Secret Blog

As you may notice music is my life, I love to find songs that describe my situation and I love to listen to music (every single genre of music). I've found one more song which describes my situation (and just for the record situation is changing in past two-three weeks, you'll see in one of the next posts). Song is named "Iris" and I really can't see why. If anybody knows please explain me. And Ronan Keating is one of my favourite singers, I first heard him on Eurovision Song Contest with the song "The Way You Make Me Feel". And he's cute guy, and he's also born near my birthday, so I like him even more :-) Here are lyrics: And I'd give up forever to touch you Cuz I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven That I'll ever be And I don't wanna go home right now And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breath is your life Cuz sooner or later its over I just don't want to miss you

I really don't know is this good or bad, but in my country it is really hard to find people who are gay or bisexual. Well, they really exist, but they are pretending to be straight cause it's really hard to live your life like outed gay. So, because I never was in gay relationship or even be with a gay, I decide to join some local gay community website. You can put your profile and people can send you a message. And I can say that I'm surprised. I got a lot of disgusting messages just asking for sex in some really disgusting way... I just ignored messages like that. But I got three really nice messages, now even more with really nice people. Some guy who is only one year older than me and some other guy who is 5 years older and the third one is guy who is 8 years old. Well, I'm just discussing with them through email so nothing happened and no one knows who I am in real life. Second guy became disgusting when I told him that I'm not for a meeting right now, so

The new song I like so much. It left big impression on me. Reminds me on D. (again, well I think that every song reminds me on him, even some house songs cause I was on a lot of parties with him)... I'm losing my mind, but nevertheless I think that I'm slowly forgetting him, which is amazing... Here are the words of the song: A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I've saw your pretty face A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same But all the miles had separate They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams And tonight it’s only you and me The miles just keep rollin as the people either way to say hello I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go I’m here without you bab

OK, we were at trip for 10 days and I can tell you that it was amazing, but I'm not so satisfied about my hanging out with D. I spent more time with his best friend and other people, because he was in other room (something complicated about keys and other stuffs) because we were going on group trip. So I was in room with his best friend and some other guy. D. was in totally different area of hotel :( But we became closer than we were before this trip and I'm glad because of that. He told me a lot of things that I didn't knew before and I was disappointed with him in past two-three days. He came out to be just like I always knew, but I didn't want to accept that (love is blind believe me). He's total jerk. He's so cute, adorable, but in his head he totally egocentric (even more I ever imagine) and so selfish and so want-to-use-people. He thinks that with his cuteness and girls liking him, he can have everything. I was used by him, two times. I recently find

Sometimes the life you have isn't the one you want. I just watched movie "Shelter" online and I can tell you that it's quite good. This is my second gay movie that I watched. I watched only "Broakback Mountain" before this and I like "Shelter" cause it's more modern and closer to me. I like a story between Zech and Shaun. It is so romantic, so dramatic and so amazing. I like it as happy end, but just for the record to all gays, not every story ends like that one or starts like that one :( It will be nice, but still it isn't like that. I won't spoil anything to you; just watch the movie that's my recommendation. I'd like to find something like this (I mean on their relationship), looks kinda normal now. P.S. Recommend me some other movies like this one and "Brokeback Mountain".

I didn't write for a while. A lot of happened in this past month. I was on holiday with D. We were together for about 10 days. After these 10 days, a lot of bad thing happened about me and him. As I said a while ago, I didn't write because my blog wasn't so popular and now nothing changed about that. I told you that I will write because it makes me feel better and I don't care how many people read my blog. Well, I'd like to tell you everything, but I already write everything down in my own private diary so I don't have to feel any better. But as I said my diary is private and no one knows what is written in it so I think that I'll write here everything and MAYBE I'll got some comments cause I want some opinions about situation. Hope you understand... I don't know why, but I feel that my blog sounds boring. Maybe it's because English isn't my mother tongue and it is really hard for me to write in it. Please understand!

We were together for this weekend and we had great time. We were sleeping in same house and I really like him, but now more like friend and not like... you know what I mean. Now he's on holiday and I won't see him for about 10 days and after that we'll be together for 10 days :) Can't wait! I also noticed that I see his name everywhere on the Internet, while surfing... That's maybe sign, but sign about what? He's 100 percent straight :( Summer is here and I don't hang so much on the computer so please understand why I don't write so much. This anonymous blogs are amazing... :)

School has officially ended. Now I can enjoy my summer holiday and my time with D. :) A lot happened in these past two-three days, a lot of big happening, and my emotions and impressions about all aren't settled yet, and I simply can't write right now. I was again at some party with D. I noticed that I drink a lot, and I promised myself that I'll drink only in his presence, and I try to obey that. I was so drunk that night with him, we danced a little, we hugged each other (but only friendly) and I simply can't understand how I manage to control myself not to tell him anything about my feelings or to anybody else. They say that drunk people say a lot of things they don't want to. Alcohol is like some truth serum but not for me, I think. Now I'm bit scared am I too predictable and too obvious. What if he and his (our) friends find about me... I really don't know what I will do. OMG, I don't even want to think about this. Am I too obvious with my act

Today is Saturday, first day of week-end. Tonight, after weeks and weeks of warm and summer time, rain fell for the first time :( So today I can't go anywhere. I hate rain, first because it's too depressive and second because it's cold. But I like smell and sound of rain, it made me think about everything. I like to sit by the window, listen to rain and just be alone. Especially if it is the night. Well, never mind that, last night I was thinking a bit. I couldn't sleep so I thought. Of course, I was thinking about D. and I realized that I care less and less about him from day to day. That's amazing, because I'm not sad and I know that our "relationship" is impossible, but still, maybe that's because I need to study more. I have one more week of school and I don't have time to think and talk about love and feelings or any other things beside school. D. has girl-friend and he looks happy. They are in relationship for one month, more o

Music always was very important part of my life. I've always had a song which brought me to life, cheer me up, makes me happy, makes me crazy etc. I'll present you one song. It's from Enrique Iglesias titled "Alquien Soy Yo" or "Somebody's Me" in English. Spanish version is way better than the English one. It totally describes my situation with D. At first I couldn't believe that there is song like that. It sounded that it was made for me. English version is totally different. Old proverb says that you are in love when every song you hear reminds you about her/him. In my case that's D. This saying is really true, because I found him in EVERY song I heard, even in Techno and House songs, only one word can make me think on him. And here's the song (Spanish translation is mine, sorry for mistakes): SPANISH (Original): Tú, no sabes quien soy yo, No sé quien eres tú, Y en realidad, quien sabe que somos los dos. Y yo, como

Well, in past few days I've noticed that I care less about D. Dunno why, maybe because I finally realized that he's too egocentric and too self-loving. But he's still so cute and we are nice friends right now (it's just awkward and bit scary that I hang out with him and I'm in love with him and so amazing at the same time). I'm going on summer holiday with him. Also, a lot of other people from school and from our circle of friends are also going. I don't expect something to happen there, I repeat he's straight , but still I can't wait to be with him for 7 days, oh sorry it's 10 days :-D Yeah, baby! And one more thing about this blog, well two things. This blog will be just my way to express some thoughts because I have the need to do that and I won't bother you anymore about publishing comments and leaving me reply. I feel very relaxed when I'm writing this to the world.

I didn't write for quite some time. I didn't have inspiration and I didn't get so many visits, so I don't know what to write anymore, and I have huge desire to talk. And I don't have time after all, because school is almost over and I need to study hard. While not writing, I was surfing other blogs of people who is like me and I found many blogs. All stories are really similar and that confuses, amazes and surprises me the most. Every time I found new blog with similar things that are happening to me too, I am really happy. God bless the Internet. This blogs and bloggers give me hope and support to realize myself as normal person (even my parents and friends and rest of society where I live would never consider me as normal if they know my secret). A lot of these guys are living perfectly normal life, as gays. In my country, I simply can't live like gay and that's the saddest thing about me. I found this blog: Picture Perfect with some guy which is li

I didn't have inspiration to write because I thought that no one reads my blog, but I started to receive some comments and I think that I'll continue with writing. A while ago I was at some party (again) and D. was there. Well, I was invited by him, just for the record. Than as the night went on, he hooked up with my friend who is girl, who was brought by me in request of party-maker. D. hook up with... Let's call her Simone. I was with two girls at that party and I was kissing one of them near D. When my one-night-girl went back at the podium to dance, I was so drunk and I starred in D. and Simone for about two minutes. I was so jealous and in that moment, totally drunk and unaware that I could reveal myself to the viewers who can see me, but to be honest I didn't care at all. That night was disaster for me, because I like Simone too and she was kissing with boy who I also like, my bisexuality :( I even think that I hooked up with that two girls just because D

It is the first day of school. I saw him, we had some vacation and I didn't see him for over a week. He's so cute. The yesterday party was really boring and he wasn't there. There were a few people (about 60) and party was so boring so I left about midnight.

Well, tonight I'm also going at some party (one friend is celebrating her 18th birthday). There is some chance (about 3% :P) that D. will be there. I'm not in mood for some party, I'm quite tired from last one (yesterday), but if he comes maybe I'll stay bit longer. No, if he comes I WILL stay longer, but I'm not so sure that he'll come :-(

OK. I'm bit drunk. D. wasn't at the party, but I had great time. I didn't hook up with that girl but we had some dirty dancing and I enjoyed a lot. Almost all my best friends were there and I was very happy. I also tried to catch some drunk guy in toilet but I didn't had luck with that action :) Lol, I'm just kidding. I met a lot of new guys and one of them in joke said that he is bisexual. :P Maybe he is, but hides that and only makes jokes with that. He is really cute and has nice dance moves. I'm writing this through mobile, as previous three posts, and I'm waiting and waiting on the stairs to let alcohol go out of my blood to go home normal. I really had GREAT time. Good night everyone!

Well, I'm going out tonight with my friends in some club. Just to mention that my friends don't know that I'm bisexual or gay. I called D and invited him too, but he can't come :-( and I'm planning to hook up with some girl who is coming and I "have some feelings" about her. If D. was coming, I'd just be happy if he is close to me, and we'll dance together, I know that, but there will be more parties so I'll go tonight and enjoy only girl's company :-)

Well, it was in seventh grade when I was 13 years old. At first I didn't give to much attention to that "new" feeling and with years it became more and more serious. I started to watch boys in other way (I mean on boys from my surrounding not my friends), I had fantasies with some cute guy in bus for example. Culmination of all this stunned me in second grade of high school when I fell in love (I think). At first THAT boy was just cute to me, and slowly I start noticing him more often and then I run mad about him. Sorry because I explain in this simple way, it's just because I need to get some confidence in this blog and its readers. I wish to stay anonymous and that is prime reason why at first I won't be so communicative here. That's same thing that happened with my diary, at first I was like this, shy. Slowly you'll see that I will start talking more and more. Now to go back to my gay/bi confusion. Simply said, I'm not hundred percent sure.

OK, this will be my first post. Today is my first anniversary of recognition me as "different person" or should I say gay/bi person. I don't know how to classify myself, because I'm still confused, but we'll see what will happen with me through this blog. I'm hoping that this blog will have some readers who will help me to direct my confusion. Hello, I'm anonymous blogger and I'm 18 years old. Welcome to my blog!