Going (Coming) Out...

I'm really in a hurry, so maybe this will be confusing post, cause I will write fast, and I wanted to share last night with you, that's why I'm blogging so fast...

Yesterday, I went out with my friends. We haven't went out in some club for quite some time, so we decided that we are going to go out yesterday. We went to some crappy club, cause our friend from Elementary School is working there, she was promoting the club last night and we helped her earn some money.

I didn't drink at all (meaning on alcohol), cause I need to study today, and I didn't want to have hangover (and now I wonder is this correct phrase "to have hangover", but never mind). So I was just enjoying music, dancing, club people by being sober, which is really strange for me, but I had a lot of fun, even though club was really really shitty, but I was with friends and that's what is important. So I had a lot of time to think about my sexuality while watching a lot of hot guys in the club (and when I say hot, I mean HOOOOOT, and I was so horny toward boys, I even think that if I was bit drunk, that I would try something, even though I have constant fear of others seeing me, I was so turned on boys yesterday, cause I was inspired by sight, probably).

That friend, who were promoting club, bored me to hook up with some girl (her good friend), cause her friend is really into me. She is really really cute girl and I even was thinking about that, but she seems like really nice and good person and I don't want to "use" her and to hook up for one night, cause I don't know how would I act when we come to that part about going to cinemas, going out and all stuff considering "dating", cause she's that dating type, not "one night stand" girl and while I'm so confused about my sexuality, I don't know will I be good boyfriend with all that on my mind. So I said "no" (and the reason for them was: "I don't want to use her, cause I'm not now into dating and that stuff, and she really seem like nice girl and I don't want to hurt her"), and ignored the girl, even though she watched me whole night and tried to catch my glimpse. Oh, man, now I feel so bad and like evil person. Shit, I'm so obsessed with guys that I can't think straight toward girls, cause I want so bad to experience something with guy, to finally confirm my "confusion" and by acting like this (ignoring girl), I'm making myself target of suspicion of being gay. I can't wait to go somewhere during Spring Break (in April). I'm going to some other country with few friends ( :-( ) but still, I'll feel more free cause no one knows me there so I will have at least some freedom to do whatever I want considering guys...

And then, while watching guys, and while I was being bored to hook up with that girl, it came to my mind: "It would be so easy if I come out and finish with all this crap and pretending" and for one second (one whole second, which is really big :P) I even thought to come out right now to my best friends yesterday, or even to that girl who bored me about hooking up. And for one whole second, I convinced myself that maybe they all will understand (which is impossible lol). :( And I felt some feeling like predicting that I will be feel so relief if I say that I'm "different", cause like this (closeted guy), I feel like lying all the time to them and to everyone. Maybe that friend would understand why I said "no" to the hook up, and finally my friend will know about me, so I can be more free when we are going out and we can become even better friend, but on the other side, I know that they will look at me like some freak and like sick person :-( so that little second of thinking passed and I didn't do anything, unfortunately...

And these past few days I'm fighting with feeling of accepting am I gay or am I bisexual. I feel that I'm attracted more to boys these past few days, and not girl, and I want SO BAD to try something with boys, to see how I will feel. You know that song... I kissed a girl (and I liked it)... Well, I want to kiss a boy and to see will I like it or not.

I didn't hear with Dan in one week, cause of all business with school so I didn't went online to chat, and I ditched Ben, cause he started behaving really weird. He wanted so bad to meet up with me, and he's stranger for me, he even invited me in his apartment to avoid public, and it was really suspicious, so I just simply told him that I'm not yet ready to meet with guys from dating site. He's history right now. And considering Dan, he's still in the game, but he's not from my city, he's about 30 km away. I will try to log on soon to chat with him more.

Oh, man, I feel so depressed now, dunno why, I want to come out so bad and to be myself for the first time in my life, but it's so hard and so risky... :-( and I feel like I'm going to do something stupid, cause I'm really really horny and I can't think straight... Ah!