Secret Blog

Today is exactly one year of making a first second contact (we had few messages before in February, but it was really short) with Mike through that online dating site. I know I'm living in past and maybe that's not good, but I wanted to share this detail with you. And there will be more details to come, just to keep record of my life, before and after Mike. I feel so hurt, and so down. I saw Mike one week ago, exactly one week ago, he got back from the country where his mom lives and I missed him... I saw him, and Chris was there too, we hanged out and I saw him. I'm retarded, I'm immature, I'm so fucking naive, I'm so fucking deep in love, I'm so fucking blind, I'm maybe masochistic... but I can't help it.

Even though only 5 days passed, I already felt that I was in Budapest for ages. I walked through the whole city in 4 days and moved to a hostel. Now I wanted to enjoy my free time alone and maybe start my book. Also, for the beginning, in this hostel I booked only two nights and then I planned to move to that small accommodation which my temporary boss offered me. I would be alone and had my own time. I changed my mind and you will see why. Like I said, I enjoyed my time with Spanish guy and I really liked that socialization in the hostel and every day new and different people come and go. I like that, variety of people. I woke up early to go to my work and I came there on time and talked weirdly with a guy who also works there. I washed some dishes and I watched how he cleans a room because later I will also do that. It was kinda boring and the hostel (well, actually it’s more a hotel) had some weird energy and I didn’t felt good there. I earned like 1500 forints and that’s around 5

Woke up early, went immediately to that hostel and talked with very cute receptionist (she’s a girl btw) and booked a bed. She showed me a room and hostel and I told her that I will bring my stuff during a day. Also, great thing that happened to me was the text I got from a guy who was my boss for a short while, because I went to Budapest asking for some jobs while I’m there. The guy owns some hostel to which I have sent an e-mail asking for a job. He called me to come for an interview. After meal, I was heading straight there to that hostel. The interview and the ho(s)tel was awesome, the guy even offered me an ‘almost’ free accommodation and I was eager to start working. The salary wasn’t that good but it kinda helped me for a few days. To be honest, I wasn’t that much into job anymore because I kinda got relaxed during my stay at Den’s place and I chatted a lot with Chris and I changed my mind about leaving university, I realized how important education is and no matter how much yo

Once upon a time, when I was at David’s house I showed him my blog and I was reckless because I didn’t cover the URL on time so he remembered it. That was about two months ago. After returning back from Budapest, I noticed that David and Lucy were kinda strange. Simply said, I suspected but I wasn’t sure. First, I didn’t told them about coming out to my parents. I didn’t tell them because my father asked me not to tell them, and I didn’t feel comfortable because they know them and they see them almost every day in the neighbourhood. And then, one week ago I found out that David, Lucy and other friend (to whom I also came out) found out and was reading my blog and they didn’t told me because they read the post about my parents, and thought that I’m not telling them everything. When I found out, I was very disappointed with them all and I thought I have lost my blog. I wanted to keep my blog private and even though I tell them almost everything, simply said, I wanted to keep it my ‘o

Last week I met with Mike and Chris, because Mike was travelling to another city in some other country to see his mother. I kinda made Chris allow me to see Mike and as I said before, Chris and I chatted a lot while I was in Budapest and even after I got back. To be honest, I realized that Chris and Mike’s relationship will never last. I don’t know how to explain. Simply, Chris made Mike not use his Facebook, Mike lost his laptop because of Chris (he broke it in some fight they had), and Chris is really complicated, very possessive and very unstable person because he is obsessed with Mike. And because I know that this will make Mike gone mad, I know that it will break someday and Chris only lives in illusion of having relationship until the end of his life. This is kinda childish and immature for 21 and 22 years old. Mike is almost 22 now. And I admit that I’m also very immature, I simply can’t let it go, I care about Mike a lot. Maybe I even love him but as I said to Sam yesterday,