Another day
Today is Saturday, first day of week-end. Tonight, after weeks and weeks of warm and summer time, rain fell for the first time :( So today I can't go anywhere. I hate rain, first because it's too depressive and second because it's cold. But I like smell and sound of rain, it made me think about everything. I like to sit by the window, listen to rain and just be alone. Especially if it is the night.
Well, never mind that, last night I was thinking a bit. I couldn't sleep so I thought. Of course, I was thinking about D. and I realized that I care less and less about him from day to day. That's amazing, because I'm not sad and I know that our "relationship" is impossible, but still, maybe that's because I need to study more. I have one more week of school and I don't have time to think and talk about love and feelings or any other things beside school.
D. has girl-friend and he looks happy. They are in relationship for one month, more or less. But as far as I know him, he's with that girl just because she's hot and he'll be more popular. He's egocentric and as one writer says: "Egoists are doomed to be miserable in love, because their love for woman is in minimum, and brutal love to him becomes irreconcilably." Something like that. Sorry, I'm translating and it isn't good, I hope that you will get the point.
Then I thought about my bi-curious situation. What if I'm just jealous at D. and I only imagine that I "love him"? Like person, he's total jerk, but still I like to hang out with him and to listen to him and to talk to him, even if I'm confused when I talk to him. First he's younger than me, second I'm more mature than him, but still, now when I'm talking with him, I'm bit confused. It's smaller amount of confusion than in beginning, but still there are some dose of confusion. In the beginning I was so confused first because I didn't know him and second because I (or I think that I) love him.
I can't wait the end of school, so we can hang out at the pool and we'll be together on the last week-end of June :-) I will know him better, I just know.
And then in July, for 10 days we'll be together. I'd like to tell you where are we going, but, because it's great event and it's too risky, people may figure out about who I'm talking about. I know that my blog isn't popular but what if some randomly searches for that event and finds this and he/she knows me and D. Too risky!
Thanks for reading.
You seem to be moving in a good direction. But why waste your time spending time with jerks when that special boy is out there waiting for you?
ReplyDeleteYes, being in the closet is very hard: the lying, the secrets, always worrying. One day, it will all get to be too much and you will make the decision all gay men make, and you will begin to tell people who you really are. They will accept you or they won't, but by then you will have realized that the problem is theirs, not yours.
Best of luck
I understand what you think about "others having problem" with homophobia and/or other stuff, not me, especially HERE, but I simply CAN'T tell anyone, because they will exclude me from company first because they're scared (and I understand that)...
ReplyDeleteNow you probably think: "If they can't accept you like yourself, than they are not your real friends" Well, it's bit different, maybe they can accept me, but still they can't accept that they accept, if you understand me. It's bit confusing but still it's true. No metter how much my friends love me, if they find out, I really can't predict how will they react. That's the major problem HERE. Everyone is so closed and scared about gay/lesbian things, because this seem so not normal. I was in the beginning like that and I was scared of myself (very hard period in my life, I was like two personalities), but soon (well, after 4 years) I get used to it. And I don't think that other will do that if they are normal, I was like this for 4 years and finally I accepted but not 100%, I'm still not sure (translate: still scared of myself) :D
I understand that you are scared. In Italy I live in a small town in the northeast and everyday I see young men your age who I know are gay, but there is no place for them to go for support. This makes me very sad, because there is no feeling more lonely than being young and gay in a place where you can't share what you're feeling. One day you will wake up and realize that it's time to begin to change how you lead your life. You will know, because you won't be able to stand it any more! But life can be surprising. You're not alone, even though you may think that you are.
ReplyDeleteI'm aware of that, but for now, I can't and I won't tell anything to anybody. We'll see. I plan to hold this blog for long time so you'll be informed...
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading and comments :) I really appreciated.