The end of school

School has officially ended. Now I can enjoy my summer holiday and my time with D. :)

A lot happened in these past two-three days, a lot of big happening, and my emotions and impressions about all aren't settled yet, and I simply can't write right now.

I was again at some party with D. I noticed that I drink a lot, and I promised myself that I'll drink only in his presence, and I try to obey that. I was so drunk that night with him, we danced a little, we hugged each other (but only friendly) and I simply can't understand how I manage to control myself not to tell him anything about my feelings or to anybody else. They say that drunk people say a lot of things they don't want to. Alcohol is like some truth serum but not for me, I think.

Now I'm bit scared am I too predictable and too obvious. What if he and his (our) friends find about me... I really don't know what I will do. OMG, I don't even want to think about this. Am I too obvious with my acts?

First things first, take care of what can be done now before worrying too long over what might never be... I like this saying. It really relaxes me when I'm like this.

Thanks for reading, that's all...

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Another day

Today is Saturday, first day of week-end. Tonight, after weeks and weeks of warm and summer time, rain fell for the first time :( So today I can't go anywhere. I hate rain, first because it's too depressive and second because it's cold. But I like smell and sound of rain, it made me think about everything. I like to sit by the window, listen to rain and just be alone. Especially if it is the night.

Well, never mind that, last night I was thinking a bit. I couldn't sleep so I thought. Of course, I was thinking about D. and I realized that I care less and less about him from day to day. That's amazing, because I'm not sad and I know that our "relationship" is impossible, but still, maybe that's because I need to study more. I have one more week of school and I don't have time to think and talk about love and feelings or any other things beside school.

D. has girl-friend and he looks happy. They are in relationship for one month, more or less. But as far as I know him, he's with that girl just because she's hot and he'll be more popular. He's egocentric and as one writer says: "Egoists are doomed to be miserable in love, because their love for woman is in minimum, and brutal love to him becomes irreconcilably." Something like that. Sorry, I'm translating and it isn't good, I hope that you will get the point.

Then I thought about my bi-curious situation. What if I'm just jealous at D. and I only imagine that I "love him"? Like person, he's total jerk, but still I like to hang out with him and to listen to him and to talk to him, even if I'm confused when I talk to him. First he's younger than me, second I'm more mature than him, but still, now when I'm talking with him, I'm bit confused. It's smaller amount of confusion than in beginning, but still there are some dose of confusion. In the beginning I was so confused first because I didn't know him and second because I (or I think that I) love him.

I can't wait the end of school, so we can hang out at the pool and we'll be together on the last week-end of June :-) I will know him better, I just know.

And then in July, for 10 days we'll be together. I'd like to tell you where are we going, but, because it's great event and it's too risky, people may figure out about who I'm talking about. I know that my blog isn't popular but what if some randomly searches for that event and finds this and he/she knows me and D. Too risky!

Thanks for reading.

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Enrique Iglesias - Alguien Soy Yo

Music always was very important part of my life. I've always had a song which brought me to life, cheer me up, makes me happy, makes me crazy etc.

I'll present you one song. It's from Enrique Iglesias titled "Alquien Soy Yo" or "Somebody's Me" in English. Spanish version is way better than the English one. It totally describes my situation with D.

At first I couldn't believe that there is song like that. It sounded that it was made for me. English version is totally different.

Old proverb says that you are in love when every song you hear reminds you about her/him. In my case that's D. This saying is really true, because I found him in EVERY song I heard, even in Techno and House songs, only one word can make me think on him.
And here's the song (Spanish translation is mine, sorry for mistakes):


SPANISH (Original):
Tú, no sabes quien soy yo,
No sé quien eres tú,
Y en realidad, quien sabe que somos los dos.
Y yo, como un secuestrador,
te persigo por amor,
y aunque tú no sepas mi dirección,
mi apellido y mi voz,
y la clave de mi corazón...
Alguien te quiere,alguien te espera,
alguien te sueña y tú no sabes que soy yo,
Alguien te piensa, constantemente,
alguien te busca y por fin te encontró,
Alguien te amó y alguien soy yo!
Yo, no pido nada más,
que estar feliz si tu lo estas,
y sentirte bien,aunque no sepas quien,
quien te quiere sin más,
por encima del bien y del mal.
Alguien te quiere,alguien te espera,
alguien te sueña y tú no sabes que soy yo,
Alguien te piensa, constantemente,
alguien te busca y por fin te encontró,
Alguien te amó y alguien soy yo!
En el fondo de mi vida,
no me queda otra salida ...que no seas tú!
Tú, no sabes quien soy yo,
No sé quien eres tú... Ya somos dos!

Alguien te quiere,alguien te espera,
alguien te sueña y tú no sabes que soy yo,
Alguien te piensa, constantemente,
alguien te busca y por fin te encontró,
Alguien te amó y alguien soy yo!
Alguien te amó y alguien soy yo!


ENGLISH (Translate):

You don't know who I am
and I don't know who you are
And in reality, who knows who we are
And me, like abductor
I'm stalking you for love
and even you don't know my address
my surname and my voice
and key to my heart.

Someone loves you, someone expects you
Someone dreams about you and you don't know who I am
Someone thinks about you, constantly
Someone is searching for you and finally had found you
Someone LOVES you and someone is me

Me, I don't request anything else
then be happy when you are happy
and feel good, even you don't know
who loves you without doubt
above good and bad

Someone loves you, someone expects you
Someone dreams about you and you don't know who I am
Someone thinks about you, constantly
Someone is searching for you and finally had found you
Someone LOVES you and someone is me

At the end of my life,
I don't have other choices... ???
You don't know who I am
We don't know who we are...

Someone loves you, someone expects you
Someone dreams about you and you don't know who I am
Someone thinks about you, constantly
Someone is searching for you and finally had found you
Someone LOVES you and someone is me

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Feelings redused

Well, in past few days I've noticed that I care less about D. Dunno why, maybe because I finally realized that he's too egocentric and too self-loving. But he's still so cute and we are nice friends right now (it's just awkward and bit scary that I hang out with him and I'm in love with him and so amazing at the same time).

I'm going on summer holiday with him. Also, a lot of other people from school and from our circle of friends are also going. I don't expect something to happen there, I repeat he's straight, but still I can't wait to be with him for 7 days, oh sorry it's 10 days :-D Yeah, baby!

And one more thing about this blog, well two things. This blog will be just my way to express some thoughts because I have the need to do that and I won't bother you anymore about publishing comments and leaving me reply. I feel very relaxed when I'm writing this to the world.

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Bloggers

I didn't write for quite some time. I didn't have inspiration and I didn't get so many visits, so I don't know what to write anymore, and I have huge desire to talk. And I don't have time after all, because school is almost over and I need to study hard.

While not writing, I was surfing other blogs of people who is like me and I found many blogs. All stories are really similar and that confuses, amazes and surprises me the most.

Every time I found new blog with similar things that are happening to me too, I am really happy. God bless the Internet. This blogs and bloggers give me hope and support to realize myself as normal person (even my parents and friends and rest of society where I live would never consider me as normal if they know my secret). A lot of these guys are living perfectly normal life, as gays. In my country, I simply can't live like gay and that's the saddest thing about me.

I found this blog: Picture Perfect with some guy which is literally my copy :) LOL and he even managed to find boyfriend. As for me, I can't even dream about that, because even if they were gays here they are hiding that like me. And my feeling about D. is always there, and he's straight, but what can I do. Love is invincible and you can't control it.

Until next post...

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