Answers to Questions

Q: Whats your favorite pizza topping? I'm personally a plain old cheese guy :)

A: Pizza topping? Well, I have never thinked about that... We have some topping called beef salad and I usually put that.

Q: 1. What do you wear to bed? 2. Describe your ideal guy in as much detail as possible. 3. Same as #2, except ideal woman instead. 4. Any sexual fantasies? If so, describe them.

A: 1. Pijamas, lol, yeah, I know, but only when it's cold and it's winter. During summer, I sleep in boxers and half naked.

2. He's tall, about my height, I don't like too much short nor too much taller than me. He shouldn't be fat nor feminized, I like muscule guys, not too much, just to be deffined and that I can see his muscles... Sport guy. I would like that he's smart, talkative, outgoing, funny and beautiful. I'm searching for someone to be my support and the guy who will always be there for me, to talk to me, to understand me, to be with me. I have never thought about hair nor eyes colour. But that's not that importrant. If I feel comfortable next to a guy, then that is it :P I hope that you are satisfied.

3. She's shorter than me. Hot. She's not fat. She's beautiful, has full lips, good breasts, a line, meaning, she's attractive. I prefer longer hair and not too much makeup, as natural as possible. I like dark hair more then bright colours. I would like that she's also funny, outgoing, not too shy, talkative. That she understands me and that she's my support and my shelter. I would like to go to the seaside with her and to enjoy life with her. I will give her the same... But, I will repeat same as with boys, if I feel comfortable nexto to a girl, then that is it.

And to be honest, I have never felt comfortable next to a girl, well, at least I realised that when I made out with V. It was better than making out with a girl, even though I didn't do it too many times. Maybe it's like that cause I have some blockade in my head, cause I have „secret“ thoughts about guys and V. knows about it, so I feel more relaxed with him than with a girl.

4. I have already described this... Read my "Perfect Day" fantasy HERE.

Q: What're the top 5 countries (that you haven't already been to) that you'd most want to visit?

A: United Kingdom

Canada

Japan

United States

Holland or Netherlands

And hopefully, I will visit first two in next two years, you will be informed probably. I love to travel and I have travelled a lot. OMG, I would like so much to apply for "The Amazing Race", I love that show, as you probably noticed...

Q: Hmmm, any question eh? Are you uncut or cut? Are most guys where you live uncut/cut? What're your thoughts on it all?

A: I'm uncut and in my country most guys are uncut. And my thoughts about this is that I like uncut guys more. It's more natural and I don't know, I think that it's healthier if you wash yourself regulary, cause when you cut, your head of a penis is exposed and this as the most sensitive part of your body, it can't be that good to be constantly stroken in the pants and stuff. And it's probably easier to masturbate when you are uncut :-)

Q: what type of boys do you like?

A: I have already answer this, look above... I like boys/guys/men who are boy/guy/men, not feminised or guys acting like girls. If you are a man, be a man! I don't have anything against femisied boys, it is your own choice, but my personal taste is like this. I don't like that, I'm not attracted to that...

Q: I love you man. Do you have a lot of gay friends? How do you know them in your country?

A: I don't have any gay friends (meaning close friends) in my real life (or maybe I have, but I'm not aware that they are gay), cause it's really hard to know them in my country. I met with Ian and I thought that we will stay friends. We chat from time to time, but we didn't see each other in ages. I have few online friends, who I met throught this blog. That's all! And the only way how you can get to know someone gay is through dating site or if you are openly gay, which I'm not, and I don't act like gay, I don't go out at gay clubs and stuff like that. It's really hard. I would like to have someone to share my thoughts and just to talk. That's also one of the reasons why I started with this blog.

Q: i love you.

A: :$ :$ :$ :$

Q: Do you any interest exept sex?

A: Okay, to be honest, I didn't understand question. If it is "Do you have any interest except sex?" the answer is „yes, of course!“... I'm searching for everything considering relationship (dating, going out, hanging out, talking etc.), and I have million hobbies... I'm planning to finish school and to find my job and to live life. :-)

Q: Have you always had the certainty of your sexal orientation?

A: No... I had some suspisions when I was about 13, 14 but as I said million times before, I felt really uncomfortable and really unnormal, cause I'm raised in conservative society. I accepted my sexuality and the possability of having sexual orientation other than heterosexual when I turned 17. From that until now, a lot have happened and I consider now myself NORMAL... And I decided that I won't label myself. So, I'm "different" from the major part of our society, I like both men and women. Maybe I'm gay or bi, but for now, I won't label myself, until I fully discover myself...

Thanks all... Thank you so much for asking these questions... And sorry if I'm bit late with the answers, that's why I'm publishig all the answers in one single post.

Feel free to ask me more... This is nice way to comunicate with my readers. (Ask me Anything)

Be safe and take care,

B.

Read More

Butteflies

I didn't see him whole day, cause he had to be at some birthday and I was busy whole day, but I felt butterflies whole day in my tummy while thinking about him and the previous day... I almost forgot how this feeling is so freaking amazing. :))) We are texting each other a lot and we talked on the phone... We will meet tomorrow again and he told me that he would like to see me, but he can't get out of the party, cause the girl who is celebrating birthday is his good friend, even though we were planning and texting about seeing each other for at least half an hour. And I want to see him so bad...

Here's one picture for you, this one reminds me of yesterday... Yeah, we were in similar position yesterday, well, almost the same position, omg :)))))...

And I'm listening to 3 Doors Down the whole day, so here's one song which I really like...

P.S. Now I saw video, it's bit creepy, cause I didn't have that in my mind, but listen to the words, I really like them:

Lately i'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

That's all I've ever wanted from this world
Is to let me be me

Read More

I Kissed A Boy...

... AND I LIKED IT!!!

I'm still under shock. A lot had happened, and I still need to process everything which happened today... I just come back into my house and I'm still in shock... :)

It didn't happen on cinema date, and yeah, it's obvious, it's V. OK I will tell you everything shortly, well, shortly as I can, and sorry cause there is no pictures, I really can't put them now, I'm so excited :-)...

We went to the cinema two days ago, and the movie wasn't that good. I, as Greek mythology geek, didn't like it... We were watching "Clash of the Titans". I expected more, honestly. It was okay and effects were amazing, but still, it wasn't that good, and to be honest I was next to him and I was thinking of doing something and I was waiting in the same moment that he do something. But nothing happened, well, we were "different" guys in the full cinema, so nothing could happen expect some touch and that kind of things... So nothing happened that day and later when we went back home, we had some flirty texting and messages, and it really was good. Tomorrow (yesterday), we didn't saw each other but we were texting each other, and cause I'm this week home alone from 12 PM until 4 PM (cause my parents were working this week in different times and I was alone for about 4 hours, father works from 1PM until 8PM and mom from 8AM until 3PM), and it was somewhere about 3:30 PM and I told him as a joke to come fast, we have 30 minutes left :) (cause my mom returns somewhere around 4 PM), but it was only joke... And then, I really invited him to come tomorrow (well, it wasn't that direct, but I really can't explain how it happened, but this is the point), which is today. Then, I had some drinking party with my best friends in the evening, but that part isn't that important, things went out of control and the evening ended around 3 AM, and I didn't drink that much, which was good, cause I get fully sober in the morning and I was ready for arrival of V.

He came exactly around 12 PM, shortly after my dad went out of house. V. was in my house and we were talking and talking and talking and then we came to some awkward part with some flirting and I was kinda really, well, not confused, but I felt kinda weird, cause I knew it that we are going to kiss each other, but I'm the one who never knows when is THE moment, you know, but he was like: "Let's do it now!" and we simply come closer to each other and kissed on my couch, in my own living room. At first, it was weird, but it felt so GOOD! And then we were coddling and he was making fun of me, cause my heart was beating like crazy, cause I was really excited and maybe scared and feeling weird. But I WASN'T confused!!! I wanted this, I wanted to kiss him, and I wanted to coddle with him... And I don't know exactly how much time have passed, but, I didn't care, and I know that it wasn't too long, cause shortly after that we went to my room...

Later, we went to my room, on my OWN bed and we were making out! It was so hot! He was so hot! He was so relaxed! He throw me on the bed and lay down on me and kissed me. And that felt even better than AMAZING! I don't know how to say it, but you'll get the point. He was really gentle and slow, cause he knew that it was my first time kissing some man. It was really weird at the beginning but I get used to it really fast and relaxed. We took our shirts off and we were making out half naked...

Then, somewhere around 3 PM we finished, dressed ourselves and went out of the house, cause I was meeting with some girl friend around 6 PM... And then the stuffs went back to normal... We were "just" friends on the street. No one could tell that we were kissing each other only 5 minutes ago. And I was bit scared because of the neighbours, because of the windows, but I didn't care later. I decided that I won't be paranoid...

We went to the city, downtown and we were hanging out in some cafe, he was making me company, while I was waiting a friend to finish with classes. He was so sweet and tired, cause he was studying a lot last night and he woke up early to come at my place. He was so cute. We were eating and drinking and later we separated, by hand shake, a bit longer then usual and with some endearment :-)

And I met my friend, and she was talking and talking and talking, cause she's really talkative and we didn't see each other in very long time, but I didn't listen to her so carefully... I was somewhere else! In the clouds...

I went back home, and while traveling, I wrote a message to Alex (and remember, V. knows that I had some conversation with Alex) and I told him honestly that SOMETHING happened and that I will probably continue with that and that I will see him (if I see him) only as friends, without expectations and false hope, and that I'm only doing this because I promised him, and he was like: "You are doing this only if you wish this, not for me" and we decided that we won't meet tomorrow, and he later told me that I'm okay and nice and he really appreciate that I told him honestly this and I really wanted to be honest, cause I don't want to fool around, when I'm now in the beginning of a relationship (I think :P I didn't talk about that part with V.), but Alex was okay with it and then I told V. that I "don't have a date" with Alex... and now.... I'm writing this post and talking on the phone with May :-)

Interesting day, no doubt that... Am I in dream? And to be honest one more time, this day was better then any fantasy I have ever had... He's perfect! We were doing all the stuffs I and he liked, with all that hugging and kissing nipples and with poses and cuddling and ... I'm still really excited... :)))))) and happy!

He just wished me good night :-)... And it's really late and I need to go... OMG!

Read More

My Spring Break and Date With V.

I come back from my trip yesterday. It was amazing, even though I was with a girl who I know only for 6 months... But she was really good company and we really become close friends after this trip.

Nothing special happened, I wasn't that much alone and I didn't wanted to try anything with some guy, cause she doesn't know about me. But I felt free and I was able to watch other guys directly in the eyes without a fear and I was surprised how many views I got in return... The country is really gay-friendly and the guys are really hot :-) If I were with May or alone, definitely something would happen. I just remembered when the friend was buying the toothbrush in the store, and the guy who was working there and I think that he was gay, meaning he was dressed and he's bit a metrosexual. I mean, he wasn't feminine (feminized or whatever it's spelled) or anything (and just for the record, I don't like that feminine acting and that kind of stuff), but I simply felt that he's gay, so I think that my gaydar or whatever it's called isn't that bad :-). He looked at me and I was looking at him and we felt the vibe and it was amazing feeling :)))) We both smiled at each other and my friend didn't notice anything, she was all into the toothbrush and stuff she forgot to bring :P He was really good looking and I even thought few times to go back to that store :)

One time while I was alone, I even walked down the street toward gay village, but it was really late and I didn't have buses and metro later to come back to the hotel and the city is not that safe during the night, so I needed to go... But I noticed two hot guys sitting on the bench near that village in some small park and they were talking and watching each other with love, and they were really close and it really looked like flirting and a date, it was really romantic atmosphere all around and if I had a camera (OMG, I need professional camera really soon :'(, I want to start with photography) I would capture that amazing moment, but my normal (crappy) camera was in the hotel, so I couldn't even capture some crappy picture and I didn't wanted to pull out my mobile phone, cause it will be weird taking the picture, it would be really obvious, while with camera you can do some voyeur pictures easily. I was alone with them in that park, so I enjoyed the moment while I was passing by and I went to the next bus station.

Next time, I'm going straight into the village and you will see amazing pictures... :-)

So, nothing special happened, the guy from that country who I met online at THE dating site ditched me cause he is in a relationship and he didn't wanted to go for a coffee. I understand, so my potential holiday date failed... But I didn't care, I mean, I understood him and I just enjoyed my relaxing time with a friend and to be honest, I didn't want to try anything there cause you know, three guys were waiting me in my city. I even wanted to meet up with this guy only as a friends, and that's all, I didn't expected anything, I like making new friends. But nothing happened, who knows why is this good. There is a reason for everything.

BUT, the most amazing thing happened when I come back. I went on a date with V.... YEAH! I know that it's all of a sudden, and it really happened fast, but I will explain it to you. After coming back from a trip, I laid down to rest after exhaustion from the travel and while I was on my trip I was all the time in a contact with V., we were texting each other a lot and it really was good. So when I woke up, somewhere in the afternoon, we were chatting on the MSN and he needed to go out with some friend to the downtown. And then all of a sudden, he asked me what will I do that night, yesterday, and I was like: "Nothing" and he simply asked if I want to come to the downtown, and we met each other in the center after his coffee with a friend and it was AMAZING! He looks even better than on a picture and he's hot and well built (he goes to the gym) and he's really outgoing. I loved that! I'm also very outgoing and we really "clicked"... We are really alike and we talked like 2 hours and it felt like it passed only 5 minutes, it wasn't boring at all, I lost the sense of time. He's so intelligent and talkative and cute. Has a wonderful smile and you know, I already told you, his sexy voice, lol. I really liked him and I think that he liked me, too. Later, after a date and coming back home, we talked again on MSN and he told me that I look even better in person than on pictures, and that's really nice comment, cause I know that I'm not photogenic person which means that if someone liked me on the pictures, he/she will like me even more in the person... I hate to be photographed, but I love photography and taking pictures :)

And I really felt the vibe from him, we were kinda flirting and stuff, and then all of a sudden in a middle of a talk about movies he told me if I want to go to a cinema sometimes, and I was like "of course" and later he told me that he wanted to watch the movie as soon as it comes out in theaters cause he's also Greek mythology freak as me, and then he asked me: "How about tomorrow?" (which is today) and I was like "OMG" and I accepted, I want to see him so bad again, and after a date he was really talking a lot about second date and "the next time" and stuff like that. That's why I think that he liked me. So, I'm going to meet him in about 2 hours, we will take a walk in the city and later we are going to watch "Clash of the Titans"... Can't wait!!! Wish me luck, who knows what will happen in the dark... Kidding, we are taking it slow ;)...

Read More

Spring Break Trip

This will also be a quickie, I just want to inform you that from tomorrow I will be on my holiday/trip for seven days for Spring Break.

I'm traveling outside my country with only one friend, and SHE doesn't know about my sexuality. It will be very awkward cause we are both in the same room, and we know each other for like 6 months, which is not that much. And she's really hot, but I will try to control myself, hahaha, kidding. A lot of other people wanted to go, but they bailed us slowly because of their obligations, someone has late exams, someone has problems with passport and so on, and in the end, that left us with only me and this girl friend.

I'm going to a very beautiful and VERY old city with great history and culture, that's all what I'm saying... :-)

If I get a chance to be myself for some time, I will try to go to some gay club, cause this country is gay-friendly, they even have gay village, and it's very near our hotel :-)

Also, I will try to figure out what I will do with those three guys from previous post, I really need a break, and this trip will be awesome for that, but as far as I'm concerned, the best choice is V. guy (like Ethan said... Thanks, mate, for advice and sharing this opinion, I also feel that way :D, but still I feel some affection with Alex and with Mike, too... Mike is totally confused, but still really good and caring, I can see that)... Yesterday, I talked with Alex a bit, and I clearly told him that I have problem with his age (I didn't mention the looks cause I don't want to have definite opinion about that before meeting him in person, maybe that boldness looks good on him)... So, we are going to have a date on 13th of April, only one day after I'm back from my trip. And I forgot to say, and I noticed in your comments that it's a big deal. He's not OUT, he doesn't even have gay friends, and no one knows about him. When I think that way, I come out to May that I'm "different" and I met Ian, who become a friend of mine, so basically, I'm even more "out" than him. V. and Mike are not out of the closet, too. And I like that, we are really same, everyone here is.

Okay, I'm going to finish with my packing... I will have Internet access there, I won't bring my laptop, we have free Internet cafe in the hotel, but I don't know will I blog from there, or I will, but the posts will be short and fast, cause of the friend, I don't want to leave her too long alone. And I will blog if anything interesting for this blog happens :D

Take care, and big hug for you all! (wow, I'm such a gay lol)

B.

Read More

The Dating Problems And Again Simone

:) I'm back, and I'm finally on holiday (for Easter and for Spring Break)... I'm free until 25th of April and I will use this holiday to travel, study (catch up with my subjects) and to enjoy my time with some guy, probably.

As you all know, I hang around on some dating site a lot, which is kinda bad and disgusting sometimes, but what can I do... I don't have any other way to find someone, I mean gay/bi person... I will explain you the "system" of this site.

You have the profile with some information of you... If you want to be "ranked" higher, you need to put some picture... I have some partly nude photo of my torso. Then you find someone by selecting criteria, and that's basically all. And there is even a age limit, but that no one reads there. You got a message from 30 and 40 year-olds and that's kinda too sick, and their offers are really disgusting... I don't even have words to describe how I feel about that, but I kinda expected that... But with time you get used to that and you simply write down: 'Not interested' or 'No' and everything is fine.

Generally speaking, everyone there from my country is looking for "non-fem", "normal", "interesting" persons, even though the one who are looking for that are for example fem. What an irony!

Then because messaging system is kinda slow, but still very nicely done, everyone is asking for MSN, to chat more instant... And yeah, you need to make fake one :P lol

Then after "meeting" online you start chatting and usually they are asking for face picture to see how you look, or a webcam talk. I usually try to avoid this kinda of talk and sending pictures (or putting them as a avatar) until I get some impression about someone. There is a lot of fake profile and people using others pictures as theirs, so I'm kinda afraid that someone will recognise me or even steal my picture, so I wait as long as nessessery before showing the picture to someone.

And for example, if they ask you a question: "How big is your dick?" or "Do you life alone?" and stuff like that after two or three minutes, you need to block that person immediately :-). At least, I do that, cause those people are only looking for quick sex. And the 90% of that site is like that :-(

BUT... and this 'but' is a good 'but'... There is a little group of people like me, I mean unexperienced, searching for something good, normal, romantic, honest and beautiful. And even though I had profile for almost 2 years now, I have never tried to try anything (meaning on meeting in person and having some kind of experience) until I met Ian and you all know how that date passed.

But recently, I've been meeting a lot of NORMAL and nice people, which is kinda good (there is still hope that gay world in my country are not that screwed). I can talk now more freely (without paranoia and fear) with them... See, I'm even more talkative here, also :-)

And then I met three persons who tickled my imagination and my heart, because I think that I have found what I was looking for, but the main problem is which one of these three are the one for me. Now I feel like some slut. Teasing them and choosing like they are some toys :-( you will see, it's not that bad, I think. And I would like to hear your opinion about all this.

The first one is Alex. He's 25 years old (which is kinda too much for me for now), but he's so good and so smooth talker that basically he got me, meaning I like him. The way he talks with me is amazing. He's so out going and so nice. When I talk to him I feel kinda nice and it's amazing feeling. He wishes me good mornings and good nights and I can't get bored with him. We are doing a lot of flirt over the phone. The only problem beside his age is that he's bit bold, not entirely, just his hair is not that "bushy". He has problem with his hair. I saw him on the pictures and on the camera, and to be honest I didn't like him physically but I liked him psychically so I'm eager to give him another chance at our date when we are going to meet in person and that will be somewhere after 12th of April. Lol, and I don't even know his real name, I only know the first letter, which is A. He told me that he want to save that for meeting in person, he's so sweet. And one other guy, who was one short time "active" about all this dating stuff, told me that he met Alex in person and that he didn't like him cause he's too short and too bold and too pushy, so he ditched him. But I won't let that his opinion blind me with my impression of Alex (that much), I will just be careful and that's all. Nothing will happen without my permission, even Alex told me that. And a few times, I get paranoid that he's telling this stuff to every single guy who is his maybe future boyfriend, he's older and more experienced then me. I don't know, he can't be that bad. We'll see...

The second guy will be called V. I also don't know his name, not even the first letter. He sent me a message a bit after Alex and I clearly said to him that I'm in process of talking with some guy and I'm only available for "hanging around as friends" meaning, I would like to talk and that kind of stuff, nothing beside, cause I'm almost "in a relationship". And he was cool with that cause I seemed normal to him, so we exchanged MSNs and started to chat. Later, I told him about Alex and he told me that he met him in person, but he didn't want to reveal any other information about him beside the fact that he's so sweet and the best person he met in this gay-world (meaning the sphere of people who are gay and are living in my country and having profile on THE site). But the only problem he had with him was his age and of course boldness. But didn't wanted to reveal anything else. We exchanged the phone numbers and we are still talking, he's now away during Spring Break at hometown where he doesn't have Internet, so we are basically texting each other. And he's so PERFECT for now. And after talking to him, I get totally confused about everything what happened with Alex. The V. guy told me, for example, about his fantasies when you hug someone in a bed and fall asleep like that and woke up like that. And that's my favourite part of fantasy and I even get hard when I think about that, honestly said, if you read the story, you'd probably noticed that. And he's also horny as me, and we like same things and same things turn us both :P lol And we are very alike, he also come out to his best friend (girl friend) and she's also conservative and tries to turn him back like May does with me. I didn't even saw his face picture, I just know that he's nicely built and has sexy voice :) (yeah, we talked for some short time over the phone)... And now (meaning in this moment after publishing this long post), I need to wait until my parents are gone to bed so he can call me again, and now it will be longer. And he's one year older then me and he calls me "kiddo" which is kinda sweet. And he's such a romantic, which is also one plus.

The third one will be called Mike. He's one year older then me and he's so freaking CUTE. We talked a lot and saw each other on cam. He's bit egocentric, and he has good reasons to be like that, but he can be sweet and I'm starting slowly to get to his other side. He even told me about his sexual experience with his best male friend and how that affected their friendship. It's really sad and so UNBELIEVABLE story, and really stupid one (I mean, they act stupid, keep reading and you will see), cause they both are afraid of how that will look like and how will that affect the people in their environment which is kinda sad, cause they would have something special. They know each other for 14 years, and everything started with some kiss (real kiss, tongue included) at some party while Mike's best friend was drunk, later they did oral to each other while Mike's friend was at sleepover at Mike's house. Mike is a bit macho type of guy, but he only tries to act like that, for example, he is romantic and sweet, but kinda holds that part inside, cause he's afraid that people will see his really side and that he will get hurt sometime. Something like me a bit hehe. That's why he didn't wanted to try to talk more seriously with his friend and his friend, well, I didn't hear his version of the story, but they kinda led their friendship to destruction because of that, so now they barely talk, even though they were inseparable before "the event". They were best friends, Mike's mom was mom to his friend and that goes in oposite direction. They were like brothers, but now, their friendship is slowly turning down. Mike was really broken, he even moved from country for some short time, in the process of "getting over"... It's all because you can't act freely as a gay around here. And because of this event and with everything that happened, Mike kinda became cold person. He was hurt a lot, and now he's acting like some macho guy, which is also one sad part. He's pushing people away from him, and including me, you will see why... keep reading.

Now let's go back to our (Mike's and mine) relationship or friendship :-P. We are even having a bit of flirt and yesterday he even did some striptease for me as a joke, but somehow I got the feeling that I'm boring to him and that I chase him, he's not that interested in me. He's still in process of "getting over" with his best friend, or at least I get that feeling. Don't know! We'll see, like I said he's cold and pushing me away from him, maybe unconsciously cause he was so hurt and doesn't want that to happen again. I will try to talk to him about this subject, maybe even tonight if he's online at MSN...

OK, so now you know why I feel like slut. I'm kinda teasing all three, but not entirely, the V. guy knows that I will see Alex and he's still insisting in conversation, like he knows that I will get disappointed with Alex, and Mike is kinda "cold" but still sweet, so even if something happens with him, it won't be any time soon.

For now, I will see Alex, I owe him that much, he will get his third chance and if I don't like him, I will go for V. guy and see how he looks like in person and if that goes wrong, there is Mike, LOL. OMG, am I that mean? All I know is that the moment of me having my first boyfriend is coming very soon. Am I egocentric? Now I feel so like someone who is using people and it's not good feeling. I need to stop, that's why I erased the profile at that site. And I need to figure this out and choose the one who is really for me... I'm so confused, but this time not sexually :-) And doing all this flirting and chatting with boys feels kinda even better then with girls, cause I always feels that I'm lying girls when I flirt with them.

And something else is happening. The feelings toward Simone is starting to returning back. And I don't like that. Recently, we are meeting each other more then previous year and I don't think that I'm that over her. And we started to talk a bit about our "past" over the Facebook today which also tickled my imagination.

Man, I'm so fucked up!!! I need a break...

Ok, that's all for now. Sorry if I'm being too boring and good news is that I will start reading all the blogs I didn't read in quite some time... So blogosphere, I'm coming back, at least for the April!

See ya and thanks for reading!

Tomorrow, I will publish another HUGE post with ALL the answers to your question... Thanks one more time for asking. I hope that everything is going well with you, my readers...

OK, see ya, now for the last time, I need to send a message to V. so he can call me :))) I will hear his sexy voice one more time, awww.

Read More

Quick post

This will be small post and big teaser for next posts... Sorry for not blogging in a while, but I had a lot of work with school and stuff and I had a problem with school (my marks and stuff)... I will explain everything.

I have so much to tell you all, you won't believe what is happening to me :-) Maybe, soon I will have my first boyfriend... And I feel so GOOD!

All the details tomorrow, I feel so happy now and I wanted to share this feeling with you... What a wonderful day! :-)

I hope that you are also doing fine...? From Wednesday I'm on my Spring Break, FINALLY!!! Can't wait!

Read More

The Perfect Day

Time for a dirty question; what is your favourite fantasy when you masturbate? - Wayne (from Ask me anything)

I got this interesting question from Wayne and I will satisfy his wish and write about one of my fantasies. This one is my current one... Inspired with some guy, and probably soon, you’ll find out more about him. I won't use names and places, it will be my attemt to make my first artistic story in English, and that’s really big challenge for my vocabulary and my whole English text structure. That’s why I was delaying the questions for so long, and now I finally found time to do it right. Sorry, Wayne… But here it is, finally :-) And when I masturbate, the favourite part is sex part, of course (obviously), but the whole story as imagined in my head turns me on, so that’s the real answer to your question and the rest is just my attempt to make post bit better and more beautiful and more artistic. And I will try to present my fantasy as best as I can, but keep in mind that I can’t write that well yet in English and it’s maybe even better in my head or in my native language than in this short story, but I gave it a shot. And also have in mind that I have never been with a guy (yet) so this is just pure imagination and my impression what is like to be with a guy. I can’t wait to hear your comments. And please write feedback on grammar mistakes and English mistakes I made… It will be great help. Thanks in advance. So here we go :) Enjoy…

***

    I just landed at the airport. After six hour flight, I felt really exhausted. He was expecting me standing there and smiling toward me. He spotted me. He was wearing his usual military uniform and seemed even hotter and more handsome then the last time I saw him two months ago. I finished with checking and I passed the control. I wanted to run to him and to hug him so hard, but I couldn’t because there were too many people in the terminal and we didn’t want any inconvenient situation, so I just slowly walked toward him making my legs walk slowly. So we just hugged for short time, so no one would get suspicious. He smelled so nice, I missed him a lot. I was feeling like I’m melting.

    “Hey, you” he simply said with his adorable voice.

    “Hey” I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t say anything more than that.

    “I missed you so much” he whispered to my ear so no one could hear.

    I wanted to kiss those beautiful full lips, which has been moving and saying those sweat melodic words, but I couldn’t - yet. So I just stared at him while we were walking together to the exit and went to the parking, trying to be as normal as we could. Quietly, we entered his small private car. He started the car. He seemed so hot when he was doing that. I didn’t have the urge to talk, I just wanted to watch him and see what have changed in past two months – nothing. He was still my beautiful, handsome boyfriend who I love so much. We continued for some time driving and then suddenly he turned left to some desert road in the woods and just when I was turning my head toward him to ask what is happening he kissed me. I felt his warm lips. He kissed me so pasionatelly, that I felt butterflies one more time, like it was first time he ever did that. I kissed him back and I tried to come closer to him, but it was really uncomfortable because we were in the car. I don't know how much time have passed, but I know that I wanted for that moment to last forever.

    “I missed you too” I said.

    He just smiled and showed me his white, perfect teeth and started the car again.

    Then we started talking about everything we have missed during two month period. He was still in the army; it was his full time job, unfortunately for us, but I didn’t have problem with that. He was moved three times from one place to another for some stupid army reasons which I didn’t understand; he didn’t come out to his brother, even though he told me that he will probably. His brother started to suspect our friendship. That’s the main reason why I’m staying at the hotel this time. We didn’t want to become even more suspicious. His mother was not ill anymore and I was so glad to hear that. She had some virus and she is really old woman so it was really dangerous for her. But she’s fine now. She’s really nice and pleasant old woman and I miss her so much, too. But I think that I won’t be able to see her this time because I won’t go to his house during this visit.

    We entered the city and my hotel was becoming nearer, and I didn’t want that. I wanted to hug him so bad and to feel his warm body and only to be there with him for all eternity, because I knew that he need go, and he will leave me alone in the hotel for some time. He has some work to do today, some army work.

But, then suddenly, while I was thinking about that, he stopped the car and I realised that we were in the front of my hotel. I didn’t want to go out of the car; just being there with him was enough for me. I wanted to watch him and to hear him speaking, nothing else (for now at least). But I must go. So I slowly looked at him and wanted to kiss him one more time, but I couldn’t because there were a lot of people in the streets, so we just walked out and he helped me to grab my stuff from the back of the car.

    “I will come tonight” he said and smiled with his adorable smile. I was stunned by butterflies one more time. Even though we are together for over two years now, I felt like it is the first time for everything we were doing, and I know that he feels the same. He simply stared at me with those beautiful hazel eyes and I wanted to take him immediately inside, but I couldn’t… We hugged again for short time like in the airport and I started walking toward doors of the hotel. I heard him closing the car doors and starting the engine again. He drove away. I entered the hotel.

***

    The weather here was so sultry and I was sweating a lot, so I took a cold shower, change my cloths and went to sleep for some short time because I was still tired from my long journey.

    I was woken by knocking on the doors. Only he could know the number of my room, so I jumped from the bed, with only my underwear on me and opened the door. He had changed his cloths and now he was wearing simple shirt and shorts. His muscles were shaped as never before while he was in that shirt. I looked at his strong arms and then at his peaceful, stunning eyes. He was looking at me with lust. He wanted me and I wanted him.

    He slowly entered the dark room, and come close to me. The only sparkle of light was the moonlight that entered our room after I closed and locked the door. It seemed like we were in a dream. I kissed him first, he embraced his arms around me and I move him closer to me, too. We were connected one more time. Slowly, we moved toward my temporary hotel bed and we fell down on it. I was lying over him and felt his strong, well-built muscular body under me. While he couldn’t take anything off me, I started taking off his shirt. He muscles seems so amazing while he was in it, but when I take it off, it was even better. The army really has its own charm. It is hard and dangerous, but he is the result. He didn’t look perfect, he was perfect. I slowly started to kiss his chest, his nipples, and his packs. I was so turned on. He was so turned on. I could feel it. I slowly started to unbutton his pants while kissing him once again. I closed my eyes and then he turned me over and he repeated the same process on me, the only problem he didn’t have was my pants, they already was taken off. His strong arms once again touched me and I relaxed. I knew that I was safe and that he’s only mine. We are going to become one once more, after long time. I love him so much. He means world to me, and I know that he feels the same way.

    After more kissing, we have become one and it was feeling so good. Time has stopped; no one existed in the world except us. There was no bed, there was no hotel, and there was no one, just us in eternal embrace. He slowly climbed up so he could see my eyes. He kissed me again. I could only see two pearls of green and brown color looking at me. I closed my eyes and when I opened them again, he was still there, looking at me, loving me, wanting me, taking me to the place of eternal pleasure. I was wondering am I dreaming, and after looking in those sweat, beautiful eyes, I knew that I wasn’t.

    The time stopped again for one moment which seemed even longer than infinity, and it felt so good, and so perfect. I couldn’t feel anything, he couldn’t feel anything, time stopped and we were captured in it. Then he lay down on the bed which appeared all of a sudden and we split. The connection is broken, but it’s not lost, it is still here, and I can feel it. I could feel the bond. I could hear his fast breath and my fast breath. And then after some time everything went silent for one second.

    The clock has started to tick once again. Everything was turning back to normal. We were back. I could see the room once again. It was like I was hypnotized. Then I felt little tickle on my hand and I turned my head to him. He was looking at me with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen in my entire life. I come closer to him and kissed him one more time, and then I took his hand and turned myself over to another side and embrace his arm around me still holding it. I was going into another world, the world which isn’t better than this one; I was going into world of dreams and I simply wanted to come back as soon as possible, but I knew that he was going with me too. He was next to me, forever.

***

    I woke up, finally. He was still there, next to me, still embracing me, I could feel his warm body, his arms around me, and his slow movement while he was breathing and being alive. The sun came in slowly, it was morning, maybe the dawn, maybe the late morning, but I didn’t care. I slowly touched his hair, his lips, and his face. He was deeply asleep. I could hear the clock ticking and I wanted to start this morning on perfect way. There are so many expressions which you can say to someone. I even tried several combinations in my head and I decided to use the simplest one.

    “Hey, it’s morning”, I said and kissed his warm lips one more time.

THE END

Read More

My First Gay Date – Full Story

OK, I decided after all to write the full story about my first official gay date now and not tomorrow, because I have some amazing thing for tomorrow, and it really is amazing (well, actually Sunday already started for me, so I will publish today two posts). I just wished to publish this post first because the other one is better, I think at least. I’m so excited.

Considering my studies, this week was really hard, I had like 3 tests until now and that left me more 5 to go. It will be tough but I will do my best.

Okay, so here we go… You all know that I’m hanging a lot at some gay online dating site, because that’s probably my only way to find someone here. So soon after I stopped writing and I took little break from blogging, I started to talk to one guy. I usually talk to a lot boys over there, but I don’t do anything special, I just try to find some information about gay related stuff and gay life in my city and yeah, I heard a lot of stories and hear a lot of experience of another gays in my country, that’s all. I never made courage to come and met some guy in person.

So let’s get back to that boy. He was really amazing, he is one year younger than me and he was really communicative and had a lot more experience than me. There was something I really liked about him, I couldn’t explain. He was very direct and talked a lot of stuff I wanted to hear, to be honest. And then after two three conversations through MSN he simply gave me his Facebook account and I checked him (with some fake profile I know) and he really seemed like nice and the guy who won’t lie about himself (and you know that on dating sites there is a lot of fake profiles, people who don’t show their real faces etc). We even have a lot in common, for example, we both like to ride bicycle like crazy, and that was our first conversation, when he contacted me he sent me image of himself riding bicycle so we started conversation on that subject.

And then he begged. Well, not exactly, but he was very persistent to talking me into coming and meeting with him in person somewhere in city. And I liked him a lot, so I promised that maybe I will somewhere in the future. And I was really busy with my birthday organization (yeah, I turned 20, so like I’m now in my third decade, shit, I feel old now)… But never mind that, after birthday craziness, he convinced me to go on a date on Wednesday 10th of March and I agreed. I thought a lot and I decided to try this to be more “out” because I was really pressured with all this happening in my head, so I needed some filter. We even exchanged numbers and I gave him my real one.

When I told May, she was really against that, because she was afraid for me, she thought that I would end beaten up or something worse, and later I realised that she’s maybe against all what I’m feeling. Even if she knows about me, she is bit conservative girl and maybe this is too much for her. I know that she would never say this to anybody. She’s maybe kind of disgusted with the idea of me having anal sex, but that’s some other subject, which I will try to write about soon. And she’s even busier than me with school so we don’t talk too much these past few days, because we are on different Faculties. But I plan to talk more with her on this subject but I will take it slow, because she has her own problems, with University and boys and stuff, so I will be only the person who hears her and later I will mention this. I don’t want to pressure her too much.

OK, let’s get back to the main subject, I’m really making this long post. Wednesday came and the day before I felt very nervous. I decided to be loyal to my word, so I didn’t want to ditch the guy (we need some name for him, let me see, let’s call him Ian, funny name, but sounds fine, and his real name starts with an ‘I’, that’s why, and I just choose the first name under ‘I’ at babynames.com). That day it was snowing really badly, we even had blizzard and snow and wind all together mixed up. It was really awful night and I made him come near my Faculty and wait for me. He came bit earlier and I was really scared in one moment of a lot of guys running toward me in the intention of beating the hell out from me, but I stayed brave. Yeah, I know I can be sometimes really paranoid, but it’s only cause I hear a lot of bullshits happening to “different” people, but slowly that shit is running away from my hear, which is really great. But I realised that it couldn’t happen, because it was really cold and no one would force himself to go in the city on that cold just to beat some stupid gay guy.

He came, but he was in the station across the road and I sent him message just to cross the street and then I saw him and from the first moment I saw him I knew that nothing will happen that night nor any other night. He is really great guy, but not my type and I simply didn’t like him. I feel kind of mean because of this, but what can I do, to hook up with him only because I feel sorry for him, sorry but no. And I would really like for my first experience to get some handsome, nice and hot guy. Yeah, I’m not only dreaming, that kind of guys really exist. But that’s some other story :-)

We like walked (yeah on the cold) in the most famous park in my city, it’s really big and I choose that cause I knew that no one will be there on this cold and I was right. I was really afraid to go to some café at first. This was the first time I was doing something like this and it felt really amazing. I didn’t felt like I’m hiding myself and for the first time in my life I didn’t have to think of what I’m talking, as not to make myself the target of suspicion. It felt amazing. And he was really patient and he tolerated all of my bullshits. He understood because he was acting the same way as I on his first date. He’s really good!

And then, the cold was too much (I didn’t expect to be so fierce) and we decided that we will go to some café. We talked about some usual stuff, and just touched the subject of “difference” two or three times. We went to some really amazing café which I like so much and it’s empty during a day (I always wondered why is that because it’s really amazing café, not too much expensive and very comfortable, some romantic atmosphere etc., my favourite place, just for the record). So we sit there, and maybe it was Murphy’s Law or something, but that night the café decided to be full of people.

And while he was in the toilette I realised that I forgot to turn off silent profile on my mobile phone and then I noticed like million calls from May. She was calling like crazy because she thought that something happened to me. I called her immediately and explained her everything and apologise. She is such a good friend. And it is fortunate that it didn’t pass too much time after I met up with him, so she didn’t worry too long.

When Ian got back from toilette, we continue our conversation; the people over there didn’t stop us to talk about a lot of subject. We exchanged our experience; I told him all about D. and a bit about S. situation. He had some amazing situation, too (also with the guy name exactly like S.). And he’s very brave, because he even admitted to that guy that he’s in love with him. It’s really complicated story, I will just tell you that they remained friends and that Ian is still suspecting his S. as “different”.

So, after a lot of talk, I realised that this is probably my first gay date and then it hit me like lighting. I mean, I’m on a date, and what happens on a date, people get together, and I didn’t want to get together with Ian. I know that he won’t try anything in public (homophobic nation blah blah blah), but still what will happen after? And from that point I thought only about that “little” thing. I didn’t want him to try to kiss me or something, so we’ll get into some really weird and awkward situation.

And nothing happened (thank God), we went to the station for the buses, we were taking different ones, so we just said good bye to each other and I entered mine because it was there first.

And when I came home, after eating, I immediately published the post. :-)

Later, we talked again on MSN and tomorrow, I told him in a fine way that I don’t like him, don’t worry, it was pleasant talk and he was really cool with it. He sent me message in Thursday to meet up in Friday again and I didn’t want to give him any false hope, because that would be even worse than this I-don’t-like-you part, so I sent him message: “Yeah, but only in a friendly way.” And he simply replied: “We can’t go differently in public, right?” and I replied: “Yeah, you’re right, but still, I don’t want that you think something…” and he simply replied: “Oh, man, don’t worry, it’s really okay if you don’t like me… Yo, you are really complicated sometimes” and then the conversation was really pleasant and normal. OMG, it was so easy and it was so nice. Sorry for retelling in this weird way, but I can’t write any better, it’s too late and I need to get some sleep.

All in all I enjoyed the whole date even I was bit stressed. And we agreed to see each other in Friday again, as friends only. He’s really great and I’m looking forward to become friends with him.

And also some interesting stuff happened today, with two guys, but only through chat. I’m getting a feeling that something will happen soon and I would really like that. Very much! My confusion will be finally over.

This is really becoming large post and I don’t want to bore you and take you too much time. That’s all for this post. Stay tuned for tomorrow, I’m answering this question: “what is your favourite fantasy when you masturbate?” and I prepared some really nice story. I’m so excited to hear your opinion, OMG I can’t wait. I need to fix all mistakes, you’ll see why.

Thank you sooooo much for reading, it really means a world to me!!!

B.

Read More

My First Gay Date

It is exactly like it sounds, I went out on a date with some guy. I just came back and I wanted to inform you first (May already knows, lol). It was a HUGE step for me as a totally closeted guy. A lot had happened during a week and a half while I was absent. And big sorry, but this will be quick post and a teaser for the full story, cause I'm super busy with school, and my midterms are starting this Friday and I need to catch up with the work, cause I'm a lot behind.

OK, that's all for now. The complete story is coming this Sunday :-) and also a few more answers to your questions. Thank you one more time for asking and reading and following and everything. I love you all.

And sorry to all bloggers because I didn't read your blogs in quite some time, like I said, I'm very busy, and I will catch up with blogosphere when I get some spare time. I miss you and your blogs...

B.

Read More

Going (Coming) Out...

I'm really in a hurry, so maybe this will be confusing post, cause I will write fast, and I wanted to share last night with you, that's why I'm blogging so fast...

Yesterday, I went out with my friends. We haven't went out in some club for quite some time, so we decided that we are going to go out yesterday. We went to some crappy club, cause our friend from Elementary School is working there, she was promoting the club last night and we helped her earn some money.

I didn't drink at all (meaning on alcohol), cause I need to study today, and I didn't want to have hangover (and now I wonder is this correct phrase "to have hangover", but never mind). So I was just enjoying music, dancing, club people by being sober, which is really strange for me, but I had a lot of fun, even though club was really really shitty, but I was with friends and that's what is important. So I had a lot of time to think about my sexuality while watching a lot of hot guys in the club (and when I say hot, I mean HOOOOOT, and I was so horny toward boys, I even think that if I was bit drunk, that I would try something, even though I have constant fear of others seeing me, I was so turned on boys yesterday, cause I was inspired by sight, probably).

That friend, who were promoting club, bored me to hook up with some girl (her good friend), cause her friend is really into me. She is really really cute girl and I even was thinking about that, but she seems like really nice and good person and I don't want to "use" her and to hook up for one night, cause I don't know how would I act when we come to that part about going to cinemas, going out and all stuff considering "dating", cause she's that dating type, not "one night stand" girl and while I'm so confused about my sexuality, I don't know will I be good boyfriend with all that on my mind. So I said "no" (and the reason for them was: "I don't want to use her, cause I'm not now into dating and that stuff, and she really seem like nice girl and I don't want to hurt her"), and ignored the girl, even though she watched me whole night and tried to catch my glimpse. Oh, man, now I feel so bad and like evil person. Shit, I'm so obsessed with guys that I can't think straight toward girls, cause I want so bad to experience something with guy, to finally confirm my "confusion" and by acting like this (ignoring girl), I'm making myself target of suspicion of being gay. I can't wait to go somewhere during Spring Break (in April). I'm going to some other country with few friends ( :-( ) but still, I'll feel more free cause no one knows me there so I will have at least some freedom to do whatever I want considering guys...

And then, while watching guys, and while I was being bored to hook up with that girl, it came to my mind: "It would be so easy if I come out and finish with all this crap and pretending" and for one second (one whole second, which is really big :P) I even thought to come out right now to my best friends yesterday, or even to that girl who bored me about hooking up. And for one whole second, I convinced myself that maybe they all will understand (which is impossible lol). :( And I felt some feeling like predicting that I will be feel so relief if I say that I'm "different", cause like this (closeted guy), I feel like lying all the time to them and to everyone. Maybe that friend would understand why I said "no" to the hook up, and finally my friend will know about me, so I can be more free when we are going out and we can become even better friend, but on the other side, I know that they will look at me like some freak and like sick person :-( so that little second of thinking passed and I didn't do anything, unfortunately...

And these past few days I'm fighting with feeling of accepting am I gay or am I bisexual. I feel that I'm attracted more to boys these past few days, and not girl, and I want SO BAD to try something with boys, to see how I will feel. You know that song... I kissed a girl (and I liked it)... Well, I want to kiss a boy and to see will I like it or not.

I didn't hear with Dan in one week, cause of all business with school so I didn't went online to chat, and I ditched Ben, cause he started behaving really weird. He wanted so bad to meet up with me, and he's stranger for me, he even invited me in his apartment to avoid public, and it was really suspicious, so I just simply told him that I'm not yet ready to meet with guys from dating site. He's history right now. And considering Dan, he's still in the game, but he's not from my city, he's about 30 km away. I will try to log on soon to chat with him more.

Oh, man, I feel so depressed now, dunno why, I want to come out so bad and to be myself for the first time in my life, but it's so hard and so risky... :-( and I feel like I'm going to do something stupid, cause I'm really really horny and I can't think straight... Ah!

Read More