Life is booming and fading...

Hello everybody.

It's nice to see you again. How have you been?

From my part, I'm amazing, living a life and enjoying every moment of it. I found a job, now I'm working full time, I have my own money and I'm saving a lot. I'm still in a relationship with N. My life is booming while my mothers is slowly fading. She has a severe cancer on her lungs. Her condition is really serious.

When it comes to my moving out of country, it happens that I will get the opportunity to do that soon. In a couple of weeks, if I get a job offer which will make me to move out of country. The offer is amazing, but I still have four major reasons why not to go.

1. My mother

2. N. and our relationship

3. People and life in my original country.

4. The University and finishing my education somehow

While the list for reasons why should I go is way bigger and more interesting.

I need to rethink it really hard and make a decision. When I get the offer, I have like 4 months to rethink it and to give them an answer. I think that this will be the hardest decision I ever made.

Even though it seems like I'm 100% sure I got the offer, the truth is I didn't, but I got an impression that they really liked me and that they will offer me a job. We'll see.

That is all for today. Welcome back to my blog!

B.

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Photo of the Day: Reading

I won't write about anything special, I will just try to start a group of posts called "Photo of the Day".

This is today's photo. I feel a lack of inspiration to write something interesting so I want to bring closer to you a part of my life, through pictures. Hope you'll enjoy.

The picture represents my boredom when I decided to make a break from studying for today. I'm reading a book by a Hungarian author about happenings in 18th century. I'm lately kinda obsessed with the writer.

That's all for today, enjoy and thanks for reading.

B

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What happened with my studies?

To be honest, I decided my study field very hasty. When I was at the end of my high school, I was lost and I didn’t know what I will do with my life. Then I thought about computers, because I’ve always loved them and I always wanted to do something with my websites I had back then (the blog is one of them ), and I was very interested in programming in my senior year. But… to apply for any department that has computer science as a program, you need to take an exam with mathematics in it. I hated mathematics, and I still do, so I left that aside. It left an unbearable pain in my heart, because I still love computers and I learned a lot on my own, but I’m not that professional and official as I would have been if I had enrolled for some computer science program. The time was running short, and I thought - ‘oh, what the heck, I will go with my second love – literature… And why not learn some new language in the process?’ Simply, there wasn’t time to prepare mathematic exam, even if I wanted to. I was under constant pressure I just wanted to get over with that. So I applied for the department of languages. Right now I think that it was hasty decision, but not the completely wrong one, or I could pick some better language, or easier. I still like reading, learning about new cultures and languages, but the motivation and courage for my major just wore off with years.

I heard lots of bad rumors about my major, and the professors and staff before I applied, but I didn’t pay too much attention. I was like ‘It’s only angry students mambo-jumbo.’ The enrolling exam and everything seemed just so easy, and it was, I was the second on the final list. And I got scholarship.

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Joy and Strawberries

Recently, I've been investigating a YouTube partnership program and I noticed that a lot of people are blogging, video-blogging to be precise, and they are making money out of it. The key is to have an original content to attract visitor and Google Ads will do the rest. And the best of all them is Ray William Johnson. He holds an YouTube channel called "Equals three" and has an online business where he reviews viral videos. It's interesting and his jokes are funny, when you understand his humor, and until a while, he was the most subscribed person on YouTube. I love him. I will try to talk more about him in the future, he was involved in some feud with his former studio.

Basically, I started doing all this digging because as a big The Amazing Race (TAR) fan I found out that two v-bloggers will be in upcoming season of TAR, Joey Graceffa and Strawberry17, or Meghan something-something (she's soooo sweet and cute). I can’t wait to see if they will blog during TAR broadcasting, so maybe I’ll have to find a little more about TAR and to see it from some other perspective. Dunno is that allowed by the rules of TAR, I know they are really strict when it comes to privacy and to revealing all the details about the race, before it ends, so we’ll see. Also, they are kinda my favorite team, even though the show hasn't started yet.  Can't wait for the February 17th.

I will try to review all TAR episodes on my blog too, cause I love the show. I love it because it allows me to see some parts of the world I am not able to see by myself. It's interesting, it's different from the rest of TV Shows, especially reality TV Shows, it's full of action, and unique in it's own way. They respect all kind of diversities and they promote all kinds of cultural and people development throughout the whole world.

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Stay tuned... 2013 is coming

Hey everybody. :)

 

How are you? I’m bit in pain because I had my nose done. I had some problem with breathing (and yes, with snoring :P) and I finally, after three years of making myself do it, I went to hospital one day few months ago, got examined and I finished with having a surgery on Friday, the 28th of December.

I feel amazing and relaxed, I still can’t breathe through my nose, but I will take the bandages off on Thursday and I can’t wait to see how everything went. No pain, no gain, right?

 

Let's review the year 2012 and the past few months...

 



 

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Budapest - part 2012

Hey.

I successfully applied for scholarship and I got one. I'm now senior year and I started my classes two weeks ago and I was very busy past few months, like crazy-busy.

I'm still with N. and I'm very happy :), we even said "I love you" part. I'm spending like 4 out of 7 days a week at his place and I can't explain in simple words how I feel... 

He's amazing, comforting, smart, adoring, super hot and so on. I got totally used to him and after almost 9 months of beautiful relationship I can say that we are really close now and true couple. I will try to talk more about him later. (just for the record, I'm typing this from his computer while he's taking a shower... I'm spending night here cause the train to Budapest is tomorrow early early in the morning. He even kinda said 'hi' to "my readers" even though I didn't gave him a link for the blog, but he knows and respects my privacy. I told you he's amazing.)

Budapest...

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My crappy writing

Rereading my blog, I noticed that I repeat myself constantly and that I don't think too much when I write; I just write. Which is wrong. I'm not a good writer and some posts sound so fucking pathetic.

Since this moment, I will try to improve my writing and to become more dedicated to writing than ever.

I even thought about deleting all the previous posts and start over, but I will lose precious past records, so I will just start new ones and pay less attention to my stupid old nonsense posts before.

That's all. Nothing special in my life, I'm still stuck with exams, so I didn't have time to live properly, and I will update later. I'm chasing scholarship and I will be probably getting back to Budapest and maybe visiting Berlin for the first time in some future period. But I will tell you more about it when I know something more for sure.

Thanks for reading and for putting up with me all this time.
B.

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Smiling All The Way and Bloggers Friendship

I’ve finally opened the Twitter account for this blog, or for my alter ego online, and I decided to invest more in this blog, as you have noticed (I hope) I bought a domain name.

Exams are over, my relationship with N. is making me smile a lot :D, I enjoy every moment of it and we started great. We are together for three months and counting, and I’m falling for him really hard!

Yesterday we were at a party and we see each other almost every day. He’s sometimes really busy, cause he works on his job. I noticed that I really started carrying a lot for him. He’s amazing person, so smart, intelligent, interesting, beautiful, cute, funny, well-built, so stable, and so mature, well he’s 28, and what did you expect. He’s that kind of person who shows his affection with “deeds” and not “words” and I like that a lot on him. I like him just the way he is. He’s so sincere, so carrying and loyal. Wow! I’m bit scared to write about him, cause I don’t want to put a jinx on him :P I’m kidding a bit, but as so far, he’s so adorable. And he's the person who makes me have a smile on my face for no reason.

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Sexual Attraction

Recently I’ve stumbled upon a great website for writing and I was checking the forums and topics and found one interesting and very popular at the time.

It was about sexual attractions and it was asked by an asexual person, who doesn't feel sexual attraction and because it’s really common thing, she/he wants to write about it and wanted to hear opinions of how it’s like to be sexually attracted to someone.

Than the topic made me think about how easy we put aside some stuff which is happening around us. Like for that guy/girl, we think that sexual desire is common thing and believe me, it was a great challenge to write how you feel and express your personal experience of the feeling.

As for me, as an emotional person, I think that sexual desire is much more than just pleasing yourself and making your needs fulfilled. Sometimes I caught myself enjoying a lot more when I realize I make my partner enjoy and when I hear his sighing next to my ear. It’s not just “taking a bite of a delicious fruit” and putting it aside like some object when you taste it. It’s a mutual feeling. Sometimes when you feel attracted to someone and when he answers your moves or your looks, it makes you feel really good, feel wanted, feel great. Also, playing intellectual seducing games also counts a lot, at least for me. Everyone has his own perception of feeling excited and aroused, as for anything else in life which we feel.

Sometimes the sexual desire makes us do crazy and things we thought we would never do. It makes us question who we really are and why do we feel this way toward someone.

What do you think about the topic? How would you describe your sexual attraction feeling? Can someone realize what is sexual desire if he or she never experienced nor felt it?

As for asexuality, through my life I think I met a few asexual persons, and I'm very interested in their personality and how they think and behave. Sometimes I think they are calm and "without worries" but sometimes I think they miss a lot in their life. But as long as they are happy and enjoys other stuff more, I'm happy for them too :)

Thanks for reading. Can't wait to hear your thought on the subject...

B.

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Spring (Butterfly) Time

New Year passed... January passed... February passed... Winter passed... My birthday passed (I'm 22 now)... Spring came... Butterflies came... :)

How are you all? I've missed you and I hate apologizing over and over again when I disappear and when I appear again, so I won't do that.

I'm right now in an office where I "work" (volunteer to be precise). It's an office for international cooperation, mobilities and scholarships/exchange for students, well, actually the office is not strictly for that, I just work in that area. It's really fun to work here and I feel important when I sit in a chair in my separate office, drinking tea (I don't like coffee) and typing, talking with students and making jokes with my office colleagues.

Beside this "work" I do another real work where I earn money, not much, but for a student it's okay to have his own separate money and to enjoy life more. I designed and I'm managing a site for a travel agency and I earn 150€ monthly. Later, the boss even proposed me to start working on holidays, to guide tours and stuff like that, which I would really like, cause I will have a chance to travel and to practice languages more.

Nothing much in my life. Mom is okay, she finished with treating the cancer recently and she was through 30 procedures with radiation and she's still at home, relaxing and waiting for control in a few weeks. But I hope that everything is/will be fine. She feels fine and looks better.

I found a new boyfriend, in a gay club, one and a half month ago. His name will be N. and I feel okay and satisfied when I'm with him. I'm really glad I met him and I like him more from day to day. The previous weekend we spent the whole weekend together in an apartment. He's 28 years old and he works in a political party, which is an awkward thing in our relationship, cause I don't like politics that much. :)

That's all from me for now. I will try to write more soon, cause I have a lot on my mind to share with you. I missed blogging.

Thanks for reading,

B.

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My mom is in a hospital...

My mom is in a hospital, she has a cancer, or at least a canceroid tissue in her mouth and now the doctors are examining her to see is the cancer harmful or can they remove it.

This made me realise that it's very easy to lose someone you love and that we are really fragile. I never thought about this and what I would do when my parents die. We usually don't think about that usual thing, which happens to all of us, but when something like this happens, you simply don't know what to think. I always acted like they will be here forever, but we all know that's impossible :-(

Even though I don't have great relationship with my parents due to my coming out last year, I'm very very attached to my mom and I don't know how would I handle if something happenes to her.

Also, I didn't talk much with them the past year, but as soon as I found out about this, I started to change my mood toward them, especially mom :-(

She is okay with me being gay and I even told her a small part of my relationship with U. But simply I felt very bad toward them when they didn't accept me as a homosexual man, and only after a long time mom showed some progress toward accepting me. And because of this, I kinda started to be away from them. I felt and I still feel hurt and unwanted and I don't have a desire to share any information with them, which is so sad. We look like strangers, we became strangers, we are strangers :-(

I can't write anymore, I don't know what to write and I don't know what to think and what to do. We need to wait to see the results of the examination. I hope that everything will be okay.

Thanks for reading,
B.

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