Smiling All The Way and Bloggers Friendship

I’ve finally opened the Twitter account for this blog, or for my alter ego online, and I decided to invest more in this blog, as you have noticed (I hope) I bought a domain name.

Exams are over, my relationship with N. is making me smile a lot :D, I enjoy every moment of it and we started great. We are together for three months and counting, and I’m falling for him really hard!

Yesterday we were at a party and we see each other almost every day. He’s sometimes really busy, cause he works on his job. I noticed that I really started carrying a lot for him. He’s amazing person, so smart, intelligent, interesting, beautiful, cute, funny, well-built, so stable, and so mature, well he’s 28, and what did you expect. He’s that kind of person who shows his affection with “deeds” and not “words” and I like that a lot on him. I like him just the way he is. He’s so sincere, so carrying and loyal. Wow! I’m bit scared to write about him, cause I don’t want to put a jinx on him :P I’m kidding a bit, but as so far, he’s so adorable. And he's the person who makes me have a smile on my face for no reason.

Read More

Coming out to my friends and first visit(s) to gay club

I think it's about time I finish this post which I talked a lot in my breakdown post. 

Long title, and I think it will be long post...

On October 1st we were going out regularly in some random club on the river, me and my friends from neighbourhood (David, Lucy, Ben, Isaac, Johnny), and also there were a lot of other friend from my University. Cathrin, now David's girlfriend (and my good friend from University, my department) and Joanna, Cathrin's best friend, our great friend (also from my department), too... And during this summer and past year I came out to all of them... And I need to mention one more person - George... I don't know why I never mention all of them, I was busy by catching up to my stories from Budapest and to the story about Mike and Chris and I neglected my close friends, even though Chris became one of my dearest and closest friends, and that's another story... Which I will tell in the future, hopefully.

So, George is a guy I met through a website, the dating site and I met him after breakup with Mike, and I tried to find out someone new, so I rushed into new relationships so fast... I thought that the pain will go away and I had two 'relationships' which aren't that important for me, nothing serious happened beside kiss, I just realised that I have Mike in my head and I broke up with both guys very soon, after two or three days. The third wanna-be-relationship was George, but as soon as I met him in person I realised I'm starting to be with a guy, then a guy and a guy and I stopped, we were just walking around and when I left, I clearly told him that I'm still not over my ex and that I don't want anything from him. That happened somewhere around November of 2010. And nothing happened between us...

But, accidentally, me and George stayed in touch over Windows Live Messenger and Facebook and we chatted a lot and started to become close. Later, we realised that George and David are going at the same University and at the same department. I'll make it short now. After two months of online friendship I invited him to some party with all my friends, including David, who knew about me and he met George. And they became quite nice friends. And later George became a part of my closest circle of friends, friends from neighbourhood and later we started coming out to all of them, slowly. Now we are all one big group of friends.

First, I told David and Lucy, you know that story, then I came out to Ben, it was on Lucy's birthday, then I told Johnny like three or four months ago and finally it came to Isaac, I told him like one week after Johnny and all of them was okay in the beginning, but Isaac and Johnny still need to relax a bit and I told you already that Isaac is really hard person and that you need to be slow with him. He was mad that he was last to know and he was mad at all of us because we kept such a huge secret from him. I explained to him that THIS is a BIG deal in our country and that it wasn't EASY to me to accept myself either, and later to COME OUT to others. It's even SAD because I need to do that, but the circumstances are like that, so I MUST wait for the perfect moment. And that it was MINE to choose when to tell him, so he don't have the right to get mad on other people. And I know he is immature and very narrow minded person, but you can't explain easy to a very stubborn person that he's like that, because he'll get mad. And even though he KNOWS he's wrong and even though he KNOWS we are right in some views (I'm generally speaking) he won't admit that, and he will stick to his opinion until it happens that he accidentally, all by himself, realise something which was obvious long time ago. What I wrote here are very strong words, but they are true.

Okay, now, let's get back to the gay club going out.

First time it happened between 1st and 2nd October (and the Pride Day was planned for the 2nd of October) when we were regularly going out at some random club and around 2 AM George, Lucy and me went to the gay club. The most popular one was closed (because the Gay Pride was planned for tomorrow so they needed to be careful), but the second one (with some bad rumors about it) was open. We entered and it was weird, different and strange with a lot of dirty dancing and stuff going around. To be honest I didn't like it one bit, and we stayed inside for about 2 hours max. And one guy hit on me, he was 29 years old and we even went at one date after the club, he was okay guy, but was too older and bit strange. I wanted to give him a chance to see how we will get along, but after that date, I haven't heard nothing from him. It is bit weird, I don't know, but to be honest, I didn't like him that much to consider a relationship or anything else with him...

Also, after that night, we decided to go out to another gay club in the city, that first one which was closed, which was my idea, because I heard a nice stories about that place and U. told me lot of nice compliments about that place. We (George and I) went there on 7th of October and I drank a lot, because I got scared. David, Lucy, Lucy's girl friend (she's bisexual), David's girlfriend (Cathrin, my colleague from University), Joanna, and their friend were our company.

When I entered the club I was amazed by the interior of the club, and before that by the location of the club, and it seemed wonderful. It was nice party, to be honest, but I was scared with everyone knowing I'm gay so I danced a lot with two girls and I almost got hooked-up with them. Also, everyone was staring at you and I didn't like that. Later, I realized everyone knows everyone and we were 'new' and it was awkward because everyone was staring at us, because we were 'new fags' in town. Or at least I thought about the situation like that. I told you I was scared and I didn't like everybody knowing about me, but later I got used to that feeling and it started to be a nice feeling, because no matter how good, bad or devious people are, at least I'm in my "sort". People (no matter gay, st8 or something else) will always talk behind your back and you can't do anything about that. This is bit more dangerous because being gay is not okay here, so if the word spreads, you can be in a danger, but if you don't take a risk, you won't gain anything, so I didn't care about that feeling that much after some time. I'm proud of myself and I will stand for myself if something happens.

After that okayish first experience, we went one more time there, it was all of a sudden, and it was better than the first and second time, but the third time was amazing! It was huge party with about 300-400 participants, and I wrote a post before going there. That night I met U. (I knew that he will come, because he loves Lady Gaga) and I talked with him for some short time, I was also bit drunk, but not like the first time, and we were okay, I introduced him to George and Joanna and he met me with a friend of his and showed me others, who I knew from the story while we were together. I was really glad that I saw him and to see he is okay. Then I continued to go around the club and I met the most unexpected person there - it was V.

Remember him? A guy who is "kinda" my first boyfriend, small relationship of two weeks I had when I started coming out to the world. It was nice meeting him, we talked, and I also was glad because I saw him. After that I met my neighbour, a kid (okay, for me he's a kid), and a girl who also lives in my neighbourhood, and she works there as a waiter, but I already met her the first night, so it wasn't a surprise. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that I met a second year colleague of my department the first night I went to the club, he always was obviously gay (style, behavior etc.) and we never spoke before that night, and after finding out about each other (officially) we became good friends, and we even have some classes together, so slowly, more and more people at my department knows about me, but I don't care. I told Cathrin, Joanna and one another girl (that was an accident), then this colleague find out when he saw me in the club, now his friend, who is also nice, knows... And so on, I won't bore you with this, I just wanted to mention him, because he's now a part of my life, a new gay friend :)

As the night progressed, I ended up with V. on the dance floor, and we kissed after some dancing (again), (btw that was my first time that I danced with a guy in some club or whatever), and now I was the initiator. I don't know was it alcohol, or the wish to forget U. while he was there, or desire to just kiss with someone, or not to be alone, but it was nice and okay experience. Later he asked me if I want to go to his place, and cleverly I accepted.

Nothing serious happened, to be honest I went with him because he proposed like (I quote) "We don't need to do anything if you don't want to, but it's nice to have someone close to you, so you don't sleep alone" and I wanted to see his intentions, to see how much I really knew him and how much did he change and how much will I resist the temptation. I realised that I won't do anything with him shortly after going from club, it was just kissing and a bj, and V. literally begged me to have sex, and I refused, because it didn't fell right, and he was very persistent, and I didn't like that, too. He was so turned on, and desperate so he after telling me to be a bottom (playing the role of a macho-man), said that he'll be a bottom, because he desperately was looking for sex. And later he'll do me, so it will be "equal".

It was weird, I wasn't really "okay" with the proposal and I clearly said "no", which clearly pissed him off (because all that smooth talk was to make me go to bed and I knew that) and I saw his intentions right away but I wanted to see how far will he go, and I stayed to my principals (even though I was way too drunk after) and clearly said "No!". He just jerked off, cleaned himself up, turned away to other side and try to fall asleep... Later he turned back, hugged me and we fall asleep together. In some awkward way, it was cute and sweet :)

When we woke up, around 8 AM, I just went outside, we kissed each other on the door lightly and even though he said that he would like to stay in contact with me after that night (we lost touch a long time ago, he changed the number, I deleted him from FB and so on), he didn't even send a message or anything, and I didn't hear from him since. And to be honest, I don't want to.

And I was glad because I was a tough bitch and I stayed to my principals and didn't let him use me, because I would have felt used after that night if something had happened. I returned home with grin on my face... And I realized V. is not a guy for me and I'm glad nothing beside that from above happened between us. It was something like karma, because of our past and him leaving a wound on my heart (okay, this sounded sooo pathethic :P) I didn't like him one bit, he showed me his real face, but I was glad to see he's okay.

Thanks for reading...
Yours,
B. ;)

Read More

My friends found out about my blog

Once upon a time, when I was at David’s house I showed him my blog and I was reckless because I didn’t cover the URL on time so he remembered it. That was about two months ago.

After returning back from Budapest, I noticed that David and Lucy were kinda strange. Simply said, I suspected but I wasn’t sure.

First, I didn’t told them about coming out to my parents. I didn’t tell them because my father asked me not to tell them, and I didn’t feel comfortable because they know them and they see them almost every day in the neighbourhood.

And then, one week ago I found out that David, Lucy and other friend (to whom I also came out) found out and was reading my blog and they didn’t told me because they read the post about my parents, and thought that I’m not telling them everything.

When I found out, I was very disappointed with them all and I thought I have lost my blog. I wanted to keep my blog private and even though I tell them almost everything, simply said, I wanted to keep it my ‘own’. I wanted a free will to write about anything I want without them commenting: “You should’ve said like this, like that blah blah blah…” and so on. Also, there are some secrets other doesn’t want to know from the other people and there is a lot of details from Mike’s life I don’t want them to know, because it’s his privacy and I respect that. That’s why I’m keeping myself anonymous.

So, when I found out, I thought everything is over. Three years of blogging (well, not that regularly but still three years) and I started to love this blog more and more with every day. I enjoyed writing and I had plans with it. As I said, I have ambitions to write a book some day and I will use this. Also, few days ago I was reading my posts about Mike (when we were in relationship and when I was blinded and happy) and it really made me feel better and simply I keep a track of my life.

This blog has become my online diary (even though I have my own diary) and I’m so glad to see how many visitors I have during a day, reading the comments, see that someone cares. Simply, you feel better and I thought that everything is over.

Also, Lucy got hysterical because I wrote about her and Ben (the friend I also told and I never mention him so now it’s the time to name him). So, his name is Ben, he knows about me and Lucy has a crush on him and they had something. It’s so complicated, they were friend for more than 14 years and a lot had happened between them. David found out about this and then Lucy told me (actually, she confirmed my doubts). I was sad because of her, and this is also one of the reasons why I would like to keep my blog away from my friends. I need my freedom of writing and with them reading this, it's simply not the same.

Later, that night, I changed my URL, my RSS feed and moved my blog to another location and talked a lot with David. He promised me that he won’t ever search for it. He understood how this is important for me. But in any case, because I know him and I know Bed is very curious and I didn’t want to ruin our trust, I changed URL. I lost some visits, but not my followers, blog buddies and my posts. I’m really lucky because David, Lucy and Ben don’t know anything about Blogger, following, reading, RSS feeds and so on. So, now the blog and my freedom of writing are safe. But in any case, I will follow visits from my country, to see is everything really okay. Until then, I’m still blogging.

Follow me and Ask Me Anything. Thanks for reading…

Read More

Hot Dream!

When I woke up I realised that I dreamt a very very weird dream. You know how the dreams can be weird and full of unexplained stuff so keep that in mind when you're reading this post. =)

Of course, I don't know how it started and of course that I don't remember the whole thing, but I will tell you what I remember. Maybe this dream was the result of not masturbating in a long time (few days :P) because of exams... You will see why I'm saying this :)

It started with some road trip with two of my friends. The first one is my male friend who I used to hang out and we were good friends, but when he started to act weird towards me, our friendship was doomed :( The other person from my dream is my female best friend, and she knows about me, I mean I came out to her two years ago. I know that I should probably give them some name, but I don't have any ideas right now. So for now, the male-friend will be male-friend, and my best friend will be my best friend.

We were heading to some house and I don't remember the trip so well. But when we come to the house, it was pretty familiar, I mean, like I saw it somewhere and like I even was inside of that house earlier, still this kind of feeling is usual for some dream, but I can't explain it, the feeling was just too familiar. Creepy feeling. We were experiencing our trip we used to take when we were in school one more time.

And then, I realised that you can see one of the tallest building in my city from this place, even though it's impossible cause we were far far away. Still, I was able to see it and it felt amazing, I don't know why, but it was. Later that building turned into some other, and I get the feeling that it's the same one. Crazy stuff happens in dreams, I know :-)

When we entered the house, it became a hotel hall, we find out that we were the only visitors with some other random (and hot) guys... :)

The next thing - I am running through some field, hiding behind the barn like I'm frighten or something and I even think that someone is chasing me, but I really can remember who he/she was, and there were some children who were playing the ball and they looked scary (OK, I really need to stop watching the horrors with some creepy children-ghost shit, like 'One Missed Call', 'The Unborn' or 'The Ring' and that kind of movies :) ). Then the children disappear, and I returned into hotel and met with my male friend from high school and with my best friend in the hall. The male-friend was wearing only a towel and we walk down the hall near the room where the others random guys were staying. And then my male-friend throws the towel and the other random guy opens the door and he's also naked, and their "tools" were amazing :)! And then I entered into scared-of-finding-about-my-sexuality mood but I somehow entered inside the room and after some short time my male friend and the other guys were flirting and my best friend encouraged me to enter their conversation. But of course, I was too scared, first because of her being there and I didn't want to get naked in front of her (that was in dream, I thought that I need to get naked) and second cause I was too shy, don't know why. If something like that happens for real, I probably wouldn't hesitate, and I even had crush on that male friend for some short time, but nothing serious.

Then, I somehow ran out of the room and was going to take a shower and I took a shower :P with a lot of jerking off while I was in a shower, and it really felt good, like real thing, beside the fact that I was asleep. When I woke up, I was home alone and we all know what happened after waking up :-)...

P.S. From now on, the 'male friend from school' will be Josh, and 'my best friend' will be May!

Read More

My antigay friend and exams

For my first post on new blog URL I would like to talk about my friend who is antigay but I honestly think that there is something more behind that, something gay to be precise.

Let me explain!

Well, I first met him about a year ago, we were applying for the same Uni and we went to some preparations for the entrance exam (something like SAT in US) and so we formed a group of about 6-7 people, and we still hang out from time to time at the University. He's a good person, bit weird. When I say weird, I mean that he has some different views on the world and acts bit weird, but you get used to it eventualy. And did I mention that he's antigay, I mean, he openly comments a gay person on the street. I mean if we see some feminized guy walking around, he would say something like: „Look at that faggot! I hate them“ or something like that, you get the point. And when I say that he comments that, he does it as a lot of anger, like they (we) are some disease.

But on the other hand, if I don't know him and don't hang out with him, and just watch him on the street, I would without doubt say that he's gay and here are the reasons. He's kinda too emotional, he always notices the details or what someone is wearing, always hang out with girls, on Facebook always writes some emotional stuff about love, about perfect one, about how life is hard (yeah, it sounds emo, but he's not emo LOL). The way he acts, the way he talks, the way he dresses makes him more gay than other guys. And above all he ALWAYS, but ALWAYS notice and spot gay on the street, and he must comment how he can't stand them, how they look like, how they walk, how they are retarded etc. I mean, I hear a lot of people doing that every day and I kinda find it okay, I mean, they (we) are not so popular „species“ in this country, but still, HE ALWAYS does that, without exeption. I think that he's maybe sexually confused or even gay/bi/bi-curious and tries to convince himself in opposite by doing that. He tries to make him hate his own kind. It's okay if you don't like it, but still, he comments in such a weird way, like he wants to make himself to hate them even if he don't, and he is ashamed of that, so he express that in this weird way. And one more thing, lol, this is so funny. Gay people always make first move on him at some parties. I know for three cases when a gay made a first move and asked him is he gay. He told us that!

What do you think about this? He's very interesting for me. I mean, I'm not attracted by him, he's so not my type, but yet, I find it interesting watching him and his personality. I never tried to talk to him about this (only through jokes, but that didn't help) and I don't think that I will ever try something like that, but still I will continue to watch his behaviour and try to figure is he or is he not a „different“ person :)

And my finals are doing great, I finished with 7 exams from 9, only two more to go. All will be finished at the end of this week. I don't know the results yet, but I think that I done a great job :) Some of them was really hard, but I managed to do my best.

The only result I know is from my major. This was really hard exam, we had two test, one in the form of the test, and second, when you are interrogated by the professor and I got really good mark. Only two marks below the maximum, which is great for this professor. And I was one of the 10 people who passed this. He is really strict, but posses great knowledge, has PhD in his profession and I can freely say that he's the best professor I even had.

Read More

First post again :)

It's great to be back. I re-added several blogs, which I were subscribed earlier, to my RSS feed and I feel really excited. I love to read all about other guys and it helps me a lot. First - because I feel accepted and not so different after all. Second because a lot of other guys are thinking like I do or think very similar.

I love to blog, but the reason why I don't keep this one up-to-date is because of my English. I need to think hard to write in English, but I hope that it will be better and better. But the point is that I'm improving it every day.

Just because of this reason please know that while I'm typing, maybe I didn't meant something that is written, or I didn't have words to say what I intended to say.

Oh, now I read my previous posts and I noticed that I never write what happened with my "love" with D.

Lol, D. is part of my past. He's very egocentric as I said in some post; he's jerk with all adjectives considering that word. I don't know why I liked him so much, he is sexy and cute but he's an idiot.

I'm moving on... After him, like I said I was confused with my sexuality, cause I never tried anything with some boy and I asked myself: 'How can I know am I really gay or not?' When I watch porn or some nude pictures or men's bodies, they really turn me on, but the porns, the pictures and the bodies of girls does that too. That's why I categorize myself as bisexual, but after him I wasn't sure. I don't know was I blinded by him or what, but I felt gayer when I had crush on him. Now I feel straighter :) (I don't even know does this adjective exist in English), and I'm not having crush on any girl right now. There're a lot of cuties around me, male and female, but I've never been attracted to any guy before as I was attracted by D. YET! I'm opened for new challenges and for the new pain :) from boys and from girls :)...

You don't know how much I would like to try something out with some boy, just to be sure is it same as with girls. Maybe I will have chance during summer time, cause I'm going on some island with some friends. Well, that's small problem, cause no one knows about my sexuality, but I will try my best in hiding this potential adventure with some boy. It will be secret and with that fact it will be even more interesting :) I'm adventurer, just for the record.

In my life right now there's nothing special at all. It's all about school and I'm senior year and I can't wait until I finish. I will probably be sad because of my friends, because the most part of my class goes to different universities and we won't see each other so often, but I think that I will continue to hang out with people who really means me a lot (true friends) although there's a fact that we are probably going to the different university.

Oh, yeah, the university. I should write about that more. But as I'm keeping my name and my residence as secret you will probably wait until I figure out what I can say and what I cannot to you and other readers. Why? Because I don't want to risk anything to be revealed to the persons who might know me in person. I am a bit paranoid, but you can never know who is reading.

I don't really know why I am so secret and mysterious, but one of the reasons is fear of revealing. I really don't want that for now. I hope that you understand...

Thanks for reading :)

Read More