Stay tuned... 2013 is coming

Hey everybody. :)

 

How are you? I’m bit in pain because I had my nose done. I had some problem with breathing (and yes, with snoring :P) and I finally, after three years of making myself do it, I went to hospital one day few months ago, got examined and I finished with having a surgery on Friday, the 28th of December.

I feel amazing and relaxed, I still can’t breathe through my nose, but I will take the bandages off on Thursday and I can’t wait to see how everything went. No pain, no gain, right?

 

Let's review the year 2012 and the past few months...

 



 

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Budapest - part 2012

Hey.

I successfully applied for scholarship and I got one. I'm now senior year and I started my classes two weeks ago and I was very busy past few months, like crazy-busy.

I'm still with N. and I'm very happy :), we even said "I love you" part. I'm spending like 4 out of 7 days a week at his place and I can't explain in simple words how I feel... 

He's amazing, comforting, smart, adoring, super hot and so on. I got totally used to him and after almost 9 months of beautiful relationship I can say that we are really close now and true couple. I will try to talk more about him later. (just for the record, I'm typing this from his computer while he's taking a shower... I'm spending night here cause the train to Budapest is tomorrow early early in the morning. He even kinda said 'hi' to "my readers" even though I didn't gave him a link for the blog, but he knows and respects my privacy. I told you he's amazing.)

Budapest...

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Smiling All The Way and Bloggers Friendship

I’ve finally opened the Twitter account for this blog, or for my alter ego online, and I decided to invest more in this blog, as you have noticed (I hope) I bought a domain name.

Exams are over, my relationship with N. is making me smile a lot :D, I enjoy every moment of it and we started great. We are together for three months and counting, and I’m falling for him really hard!

Yesterday we were at a party and we see each other almost every day. He’s sometimes really busy, cause he works on his job. I noticed that I really started carrying a lot for him. He’s amazing person, so smart, intelligent, interesting, beautiful, cute, funny, well-built, so stable, and so mature, well he’s 28, and what did you expect. He’s that kind of person who shows his affection with “deeds” and not “words” and I like that a lot on him. I like him just the way he is. He’s so sincere, so carrying and loyal. Wow! I’m bit scared to write about him, cause I don’t want to put a jinx on him :P I’m kidding a bit, but as so far, he’s so adorable. And he's the person who makes me have a smile on my face for no reason.

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Budapest log: The last days in Budapest

This post will be the ending of the story of my Budapest trip. I just wanted to finish it and then continue with blogging about new stuff going on in my life. I won't post one post per day spend in Budapest anymore, so this one will be a loooong post. Btw, all pictures in this and previous post are REAL and they are from Budapest and usually it fits the location where I was :) I would just like to mention that...

Budapest - Day 7 - Wednesday, February 9th

Today my friend who announced his arrival arrived, a friend from high school, and I clearly told Osman and Denise that he doesn’t know about my sexuality. In the beginning, I was glad he was coming, but later, he kinda disturbed my peace. I needed few more days to relax and to be on my own. But, who knows why this is good. Maybe I wouldn’t go home on time.

We walked a bit around the city, talked because we didn’t see each other in more than a month and I was really surprised he came, but I like his recklessness. Even though we are totally different persons, we are great friends. He’s bit weird, but in the same time – he’s simply himself, that’s what I like about him. Let’s call him Sancho, as a friend of Don Quixote.

In the evening, we decided to go to a club and to see more of Budapest nightlife.

Sancho and I bought some rum and beer and we started drinking. I had a great time with all the other hostel people, but I got really drunk so I kinda blacked out later, then we moved to another club. Sancho went home and I somehow ended with Turks. I was throwing up and Osman was there. I was totally fucked up. Then I don’t remember much, I just know that Osman took me, well literally grabbed me, and we walked to the hostel. Then, all the pain came out, everything about Mike and everything what was deep down in my heart came out and I started crying like… well, I don’t know how to compare, I was crying my ass off. I hate when this happens and in recent time it was very often while I got drunk. I was so embarrassed, but the pain was huge and my broken heart was so hurt so I continued. Then I took some letters and some stuff I wrote after break-up and I ‘throw-up’ all my feelings out again.

I don’t know when I went to bed, and I was so drunk and hangover and I needed to show up on the work tomorrow early in the morning.

Budapest - Day 8 - Thursday, February 10th

When I woke up, it was horrible. My heat hurt so much, and I think I was still drunk after I woke up, I was dizzy and everything was spinning around. It means, rough night. Sancho was there, because it was late morning and I didn’t go to work. I was drinking a lot of water and I was hanging around in a common area with Sancho and the Turks and some other guys from the hostel, who lost their car keys on that party yesterday. Later, some Polish guy spread the word that his wallet was stolen.

Because I was moving to another room that night, when I was packing my stuff I realized that my wallet is also gone… It was nowhere to be found.

To be honest, I didn’t know what to think, I was still hangover (holding my bottle of water all day long), and packing and I wasn’t that ‘down’ because of my wallet. Why? Because I’m very calm person and after a while, I faced up the facts that it’s gone and I can’t gave it back. It was my entire fault, because I was drinking and making a fool of me.

I wasn’t sure what happened. Did I have it when we were clubbing or did I leave it in the hostel? I got drunk at the hostel and I didn’t plan to drink anymore. Also, at most clubs the entrance is free so I wasn’t sure did I bring it at all.

I lost like 100 € and this thing ruined my whole trip because I wanted to stay a bit more. Sancho helped me until the end of the week because he didn’t want to be alone in Budapest. So he paid for the accommodation (3 more nights) and for the ticket back home. He helped me a lot. I owe him so much.

Also, this with wallet maybe was a sign from some higher force, a God or something, to make me wanna go back home, who knows, but I still think that maybe someone from the hostel stole it, because I wasn’t paying attention (drunken fool).

After the drama, I got over it; the guys with the lost key later found their key in lost-and-found area of the club, Polish guy also lost his wallet.

I made a goodbye lunch for Turkish people, and the lunch to say ‘thank you’ for the last night, because they were heading to Rome after Budapest. We said goodbye and we promised to keep in touch (and we are still in touch), and I was really glad I met them all.

(Also, in this post I would like to congratulate to Osman, he got married to his boyfriend in the end of May and I'm truly happy for them. All the best Osman to you and to your husband). Wow this 'husband' part sounds in the same time so nice, so weird and so unusual but I love it :D I already wished him all the best, but I wanted to mention his marriage here, too.

Later, in the evening we didn’t go anywhere and we stayed in the hostel. I think we watched a movie and another group of Spanish people came, including some crazily hot and handsome guy. I literally was drooling…

Budapest - Day 9 - Friday, February 11th

Not very interesting day... Sancho made me stay in Budapest, while I was eager to go back home immediately. We decided not to go out and I drink a beer later in the evening, nothing much.

Sancho got stoned, an Israeli receptionist gave him some weed and he was totally wasted, he threw up like 5 or 6 times during night.

I was enjoying my talk with some Brazilian girl and she was hitting on me the whole night, made me drink her vodka and so on. Everything started when she was close to me while watching some afternoon movie.

Later, we decided to go out, but it was only 4 of us. It was two Polish people, Brazilian girl and me.

It was very cold outside and the first club we entered was empty so we returned back to the hostel.

Then we watched another movie and the Brazilian girl was all around me, with her legs and her arms around me. We were kinda sitting and hugging. We both were drunk, I wasn’t that much but I still felt alcohol in my blood system. Sancho was asleep in the common room, and he was still stoned and wasted and very very pale, but he drank some water and ate something, so I knew he was okay. He was sleeping like a baby.

When the movie ended, the other people went outside and Brazilian girl and me remained alone (well, Sancho was there next to us, but he was asleep).

I’ll make it short now… We made out, a lot… Yes, with a girl. And yes, it was only for a fun, it wasn’t serious and yes, I’m still gay, definitely gay… At one moment I was laughing because I didn’t felt anything at all. It was funny and my ‘tool’ wasn’t that hard. Then at one point I thought what she would think if she knew that I’m gay, and then I laughed. She was like: ‘What’s so funny? What’s so funny?’ and we both laughed after.

Her friend came then, Sancho woke up and we went to the bed. I’m so mean, but what can I do. She was one of those girls who have fun and ‘enjoy’ life. I’m not like that, and I didn’t bring it to another level, even though I never had a sex with a girl.

Tomorrow everything was okay, but we didn’t do anything and she left in the evening because her friend was sick and she needed to go home (it was near) as soon as possible.

Budapest - Day 10 - Saturday, February 12th

Day wasn’t that special, Sancho and me said goodbye to polish people, hanged out with them, went to a tea house where Sancho bought a lot of tea.

But the night and the next day was a disaster for me. I made a huge mistake (again). I was smoking weed with that Israeli girl.

My weed experience is not that big. First time I tried it, it was with and because of Mike, because like I said he had problem with drugs and I took it as an excuse to understand Mike. Later, I tried it few more times with my friends from neighbourhood (including David and Ben). Btw, Ben is starting to have problem with that and he’s doing it very very often, almost every day and I’m so worried about him. Last time I tried it on New Year’s Eve, and I took only one smoke of some strong shit and I flew, literally. It’s called skunk if you heard about it. That day I got really stoned, I usually feel good when I’m high but I took it very carefully, I know a lot of details about that shit from Mike and I’ve read that book I already mentioned, the one I give to Mike ‘Higher and Higher’…

This is Budapest was my worst time, I don’t know what I took and I didn’t take much. I was only trying to have fun. But then I experienced huge paranoia (probably because I was in foreign country and only Sancho was a friend and a close person) and the night was so stressful for me. From the first moment I took it, I knew it will end badly. Luckily, I didn’t take much.

I was feeling very bad so I was trying to not throw up. Then, Sancho was there and later in the evening he took me to bed but as I was trying to fall asleep, I imagined that Tom, strange and weird musician alcoholic, was a thief and that he robbed me and that he will took my laptop, my precious laptop. And I was in bunk bed, on top. I saw him holding a mobile phone, which was weird because I never saw him having a mobile phone. And he had some very suspicious face… I didn’t know did I hallucinated or was it real, but I was stoned and in that fucking moment it felt so real. I just jumped out of my bed, took my bad with laptop and went to the common room. In the meanwhile, I was sick and I threw up all Chinese food I had with Sancho in the afternoon (it was so sad, I love Chinese food :P). Then I made another scene but I saw I was being very paranoid and I acted ‘normal’ somehow and I laid on the sofa in the private area in the common room. I sent text to Sancho (he was in another close hostel). Until he came, I made a whole story about everyone in the hostel and of course everyone was against me and my friend was the only person who I could trust.

He stayed for a short while, but I owe him my life (literally) because I was so fucking paranoid. I knew it wasn’t real, but still your brain believes it and you can’t help it.

In the heat of the moment, I decided not to sleep the whole night and I begged Sancho to take an early train tomorrow to home. I put laptop bag around my back and I laid there on the sofa. It was so stressful for me. I felt like I was completely alone in the whole world. In the end, I started falling asleep while that Israeli girl was watching ‘Sex and the City 2’ So, for one moment I was awake, and in the next I was trying not to fall asleep.

In the end, when the reaction to the drug worn off a little, I went to my bedroom, climbed my bed, put my laptop next to me and fall asleep.

Budapest - Day 11 - Sunday, February 13th

I woke up in 11 AM and made Sancho take the afternoon train. We were at home at 8 PM and everything was behind me. All in all, I had a great time, I made up with the fact that I’m not with Mike anymore and that there’s whole new world out there waiting for me. I made up with the fact that maybe it’s supposed to be like this. And I also made up with the fact that he’s with Chris right now, and I’m getting used to that now, because I want to still be there for him and around him. Some scars hurt me a lot, still… And some things and lies will never be forgiven but I care for him (I know I sound so mad right now, but I do care) and I will always feel something for him, he’s special in my life. But, I know that I won’t try anything new and I won’t step into anything until I feel ready and until I find someone who will knock me over.

Until then, my blog will probably become bit boring :P… Seeing Mike happy and healthy kinda makes me happy, so I think I can handle it. As long as he’s okay and he’s around me, I’ll be okay, too. I don’t need to be together with him, it’s so strange but I simply feel like this. I have fallen a lot for him and this is the first time I let myself to someone in that way and I fear that I won’t be able to give myself to anyone else in that way (and in that intensive feeling). I have changed, I can see that and I’m also afraid of myself. I went through many things the last year (exactly a year) and everything had huge influence on me. I’ve changed and I still don’t know is this change good or bad. I need to determine that as soon as possible. I’ve grown up I can see that, too and I simply feel strange toward some things. For example, I don’t feel the same when I see a sunset, I don’t feel the same when I’m on my favourite part of the city. Everything is strange, different and a lot of reminds me still on Mike.

Seems so difficult, but we’ll see how the situation progresses in the future.

All in all, everything is relatively okay now. Until next post, thank you so much for reading, I love you all, and big thanks for reading and following ;)

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I would just like to add that all the previous entries for Budapest I have written few months ago and that I today feel completely different toward Mike, the feelings are starting to be friendly and everything is okay, I managed to collect all the pieces and to 'make my heart whole again' and I started searching for new 'love'... I know myself, I can't live without a love or without someone next to me, to hold my hand, to be there for me and so on... Okay, this is all for Budapest, I hope you enjoyed, even though it's huge post and the whole 'log'...

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Budapest - Day 6 - Tuesday, February 8th

Even though only 5 days passed, I already felt that I was in Budapest for ages. I walked through the whole city in 4 days and moved to a hostel. Now I wanted to enjoy my free time alone and maybe start my book. Also, for the beginning, in this hostel I booked only two nights and then I planned to move to that small accommodation which my temporary boss offered me. I would be alone and had my own time. I changed my mind and you will see why. Like I said, I enjoyed my time with Spanish guy and I really liked that socialization in the hostel and every day new and different people come and go. I like that, variety of people.

I woke up early to go to my work and I came there on time and talked weirdly with a guy who also works there. I washed some dishes and I watched how he cleans a room because later I will also do that. It was kinda boring and the hostel (well, actually it’s more a hotel) had some weird energy and I didn’t felt good there. I earned like 1500 forints and that’s around 5 € which is kinda good for 3 hours of work. And all I did was wash dishes and watched the guy cleaning.

I returned to the hostel. I spend this day talking with people, socializing and also with my friend over Skype and then (or maybe two days ago) he told me that he’s coming too. So he booked a hostel (not the one I was into, some other one, but it was very near mine).

I met some couple from Portugal. We played cards and later all people from the hostel watched some movie and the Spanish people brought a fun game. We played that crazy game with all the people from the hostel until it become very late. Also, I met two guys from Belgium, and one of them was gay for sure. My gaydar worked well, I think. He was so sweet and simply said – gay.

This day one amazing and strange thing happened to me. Two people from Turkey came to the hostel, a guy, Osman and a girl, Denise.

At night we went out together with the rest of the people from the hostel in some pub (it was some party organized by hostels). When we were going to the club, I ended up with Turks and we talked about regular things and it seemed interesting and great until one point of the evening, when it becomes strange and amazing. Denise simply said in the club: “Well, actually, Osman is a gay, but he doesn’t like to tell the people that, especially because you are from homophobic country.” I don’t know did she had an intention to tell me that or it was because of my joke on a guy who was dressed as a girl (it was a mascaraed party) but the point is that she told me even though I kinda suspected. He isn’t typical gay guy nor anything, simply said, I felt it and he was with a girl and they didn’t seem close as a boyfriend and a girlfriend. It looks like my gaydar works great.

After she told me that, I stood there, stunned and shocked – and after all glad. It kinda felt good and I was having a smile on my face. Then I bent toward her (because it was too laud, we were in the club) and told her on her ear: “Well, I’m also gay and actually this trip is my break and my vacation from breaking up with my ex-boyfriend.” And because few moments before the whole scene I commented on some girl (Spanish girl) Denise was like: “What about that girl, are you gay or bisexual?” And I was shocked because she asked and reacted so normally and it really felt good, all that normalness. I told her it was only my disguise (I kinda do that unconsciously because I’m used to it and well, the girl really was cute and beautiful). At first, I didn’t want her to tell Osman (honestly, I dunno why, well, I know, I’m kinda paranoid and under impression of my own country), but later I allowed her and he was smiling and then he showed me the picture of his boyfriend on the cellphone. It was really funny but it was so pleasant because I felt normal and I was free. I met a gay guy so strangely in person, on normal way.

Then, we went out and we talked and wandered around Budapest. I was so confused with the situation and tired so we got lost and we didn’t have an idea where we are. I told them a few segments of my story with Mike and my story about parents.

They told me few details about situation in Turkey and I was shocked with some details (for example: if you are gay, you don’t need to go to army, but you need to provide a proof that you are gay, and you will do that by taking a picture of yourself having sex, and you need to be bottom).

Osman helped me by telling me and advising me toward my relationship with Mike (but, Osman, I still believe that we can remain friends, I want that). By the way, Osman is the first person who picked his name on this blog. Later, when I got back, I told him about this blog and he’s probably reading it right now. With this post I would also like to thank you (him) for everything. Even though you are not aware of that, you and your story and the fact that you are with your boyfriend more than a year and the fact that you are not “look at me, look at me, I’m gay” type of guy really gave me hope and returned my faith to this world (I was very disappointed and probably still I’m a bit). This world is full of lies, dirt and bad people. I’m not judgmental, I’m just disappointed in gay people (especially here) because they see everything in sex (like most of gay people), they are bitter persons and they are full of themselves and you need to admit that a lot of gay people are really like that, and they are so bitchy sometimes. I don’t like that. I understand them, they are like that because they are not accepted and they led a psychological war inside their head. But, get over it. Also, I would like to say that I know that gay people are not usually like that when you meet them and when you get to know them, but I don’t like when people at the starts begin to act so bitchy and so harshly.

I liked Osman and Denise because they were so normal, so friendly; especially Denise, so communicative and I had a great time with them. And I’m also grateful to them about one more thing but you will hear about that in the next ‘Budapest log’ post.

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Budapest - Day 4 - Sunday, February 6th

After the rough night, I didn’t have any headache nor a hangover, everything was perfect (probably because I drunk a lot of water right after going to sleep, which is a good technique for the hangover, believe me).

This day I was visiting Citadella, the famous Hungarian hill, the highest spot in Budapest, where you can see whole Budapest, almost the whole panorama.

Also, this day I decided to find some hostel, and to move there, because I didn’t want to be a burden to Den, he already did a lot for me, usually couchsurfing lasts like 2-3 day and I was at his place 4 days already. I was visiting Citadella during night, and that moment was really scary, because I got somewhere near the hill and then ended in some neighborhood where there was no light, so I kinda got scared, but everything was fine later. Then, after going there, at the top and seeing magnificent view of the whole Buda and the whole Pest, I was stunned and amazed and it was simply – beautiful. Even this word is not enough to explain it. I saw some pictures of Citadella during day, but during night it’s way better and the weather was so clear, there was no fog, there were no clouds, you could see the stars. Simply said, it was perfect and I really enjoyed it.

When I decided to go back I again stepped into the dark. This way was a bit different, but I was walking down the hill in some crappy staircase and it was really slippery and I also got scared, because I was all alone, but still remained free.

Meanwhile, I forgot to mention that I was looking for a job while I was in Budapest (because as I said, I went there with the intention of leaving everything behind me) and I have found some. One of them was working in some hostel and the guy told me that he will message me when he’s out there in that hostel so I can come for an interview.

When I got home, totally tired, Den promised me that he will take me to cinema the following day, free of charge, to say goodbye. It was so nice of him. I told him that I will move tomorrow to the hostel, I just needed to book one. He was really great, I couldn't have wished for more. I don't know did I got lucky or is there someone watching over mer, but this couchsurfing experience was perfect.

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Budapest - Day 3 - Saturday, February 5th

Woke up around 1 PM and 12 PM. I chatted a lot with Chris throughout whole trip and we really bounded, which was my point, so I can stay close to Mike, but also, it’s a way to easier for me to suppress all the feeling toward Mike if I find Chris okay guy and if I become maybe happy because they are together. During my stay in Budapest, I planned not to have any contact with a lot of people, but simply said, it was destiny, and usually me and Chris were online in the same time and we chatted a lot, talked about a lot of things (and not only considering this complicated situation) and cleared things out, which was great and kinda very healthy for the whole situation. It helped me a lot and I’m glad.

Later, after a talk with Chris, I prepared myself for the bike ride. The roads of Budapest and the weather (14° C) were amazing. The sun was shining, and it almost felt like spring. I love this kind of weather and it was simply perfect. I drove throughout the whole Budapest, sightseeing all the huge, beautiful buildings with bike, my real first love. I was completely free, like a bird, driving fast. Getting across the bridge and entering Buda. I was climbing to the hill to see a statue. Then I was driving more, alongside with other people who were riding the bike today. This was one of my best experiences, I can’t really explain why (is it because I didn’t ride my bike in more than half a year, or simply because I was driving the bike in Budapest, I don’t know), but I simply loved it and doing that on my own, completely free and completely alone made me feel like a child, I didn’t need to worry about anything, just cycling and hitting the break when it was necessary to do. I was cycling for about 3-4 hours maybe and it was getting darker and darker and I was getting really hungry and I needed to go to a toilet so I returned “home”, took a shower (which was so pleasant), waited for Den and thanked him so much. But the night and the day didn’t end here. We were planning to go to some party that Saturday night.

Den worked as a host in some Budapest night club so the plan was to drink somewhere before going to that club and joining Den. But the entrance was too much so we decided that we will go to some other club instead and before that, drinking at home and drinking in some other pub (where drinks are very cheap). Meanwhile, I will be socializing with Den’s friends, which sounded great for me.

First, at the beginning I met his friend, whose name is not that important, but for this post, we’ll call him Nathanael (what a name :P). We bought some bottle of vodka and we were drinking in Den’s apartment and playing Xbox. It was very interesting, especially because neither Den nor Nathanael could speak English that good.

It was kinda funny and the atmosphere was getting to be really great, because we were getting drunker and drunker. It was really amazing and I enjoyed that a lot. After finishing vodka, beers and watching funny clips on YouTube, we went out. We went first to some pub, but the line for entering was too long, so we just went home and bought some more drinks. In the way, some other Den’s friend joined us and Nathanael was kidding and making fun of him and he clearly mentioned that he consider him “gay” and even now I don’t know is Peter gay or not. But that moment, and the eye contact between him and Nathanael was kinda weird, like they tried to tell me something. Dunno, I didn’t want to think about that, and I didn’t want to come out to anyone on this trip unless I decide otherwise. Hungary is kinda gay-friendly, but still, it was my trip and I wanted to find myself and by telling all the people around me that I’m gay, I couldn’t do that, which is on the other hand very sad for us gay men. I simply didn’t felt comfortable to come out to Den and to the rest of them. That’s why I kept myself quiet.

Later some Den’s girl friend (a friend who is a girl :P) also joined us, her name is not that important, also, and I didn’t talk to her that much, so I will just mention her only here, it’s only important for you to know how many people were in the club that night.

After finishing bottle of rum with Den and Peter and Nathanael and that girl-friend (at home, because we returned home), we went out again, and the plan was to meet some other people and go clubbing. In the meanwhile, because we were drunk and we didn’t pay too much attention, we forgot Nathanael somewhere in the way. And from that moment on, I didn’t see him. He stayed in the apartment in the toilet and we simple left him there, he kinda got mad and didn’t go to the club by himself, later we spoke over Facebook, and he was okay, at least he get some sleep because he was working in the morning, so him staying and not going to the club was kinda good for him.

We meet some other people (I think it was like 5-6 people) somewhere near city center and we were heading to the club. I don’t remember their names, because first, it was Hungarian names, second, there are pronounced so weird, so I needed a lot of attention to just remember Den’s and Nathanael’s name, and with these guys, I was too drunk, so remembering names was kinda useless.

It was birthday of one girl and Peter and Den thought me to say “Happy birthday” but I forgot the phrase. All what I could say then was: “Hello, thanks” :) Den left us somewhere in between, because he was working in the other club, totally drunk :P

On the way to the club I was joking with a lot of people, talking, making friends. I was really drunk and for the first time in a very long time I got drunk and I was happy and smiling and enjoying dancing and laughing and it was another amazing experience.

The people I met were making me dance, buying me drinks, having fun with me, even though I saw them for the first time in my life. They were so friendly and so great, and to be honest, I also didn’t expect that. It was amazing; I simply don’t know how to explain it to you. We bounded a lot, made a lot of jokes and we only saw each other one time.

I returned home around 4 AM totally drunk. Den’s wasn’t able to come to the party where we all were because he was really busy. He got home around 4:30 AM; we drunk some water together and fall asleep.

Also, I must mention that one of Den’s friends (one guy in that 5-6 people group) was so freaking hot and so amazingly to watch while he was dancing. It was very pleasant sight. He was nicely dressed, great shaped body, kinda short, but totally my type of guy. And I like short guys :)

I was dancing even with him, but with a lot of other girls around, so it wasn’t that “gay”… And I even added him on Facebook, so perhaps, when I’m back in Budapest next time, someone will give me a warm welcome, if I find him gay in some chat or dunno. Facebook can do miracles. And yeah, when it’s necessary I can be a stalker… :) Yeah, I know, I’m a mean and very weird person. But what can I do, I miss kisses, hugging, cuddling, and talking to someone about anything. I’m such a gay :P

This whole night was the night to remember. I want to say thanks Den’s for everything he did for me, even though he will probably never read this. But I’m really grateful to him, he is a great guy.

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Budapest - Day 2 - Friday, February 4th

Finally, I woke up at 7 AM, well, Den woke me up, because he was going to his work and I was planning to walk around the city a bit and clear my messy head. I used my whole day to go around Budapest, watching buildings, people, monuments, just walking, getting across the famous Chain Bridge and sitting on the bench in the park which overlooks the Pest side of the Budapest. I stayed there for around one hour and I enjoyed the view and it was very relaxing. It was kinda cold, but I didn’t care. I was carefree and simply said – free. I enjoyed that feeling, and I was completely alone, which I wanted, because sometimes I like being totally alone and it was amazing. Budapest is such an old, beautiful, amazing city. I liked it a lot. I bought metro ticket for 7 days, got home so tired, my legs hurt so much, I met Den at “home”, who was working late and he told me that I can use his bike tomorrow if I would like to go around the city. We were talking about this the day before and I told him that I love driving a bike, so I accepted. Riding a bike is my huge hobby, by the way, and one of my dreams is to go around every city I visit by bike.

With this day I saw that I could trust Den completely and he was really trustful to me, too. He gave me his keys for the apartment even though I was a complete stranger. It was funny but in the same time the most interesting experience.

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Budapest - Day 1 - Thursday, February 3rd

I arrived at Keleti Train Station somewhere around 3 PM and 4 PM. A friend called Den was waiting for me. If you are not familiar with term ‘couch surfing’ please visit couchsurfing.org or simply Google it. He was my first couch surfing experience and now you can see how desperate I was to go somewhere and to relax a bit. To be honest, this was very risky and very reckless move to do, because I accepted his hosting even though he and I don’t have any references in his profile, but he was the only person who accepted me, and I have sent a lot of requests. But you must start somewhere, right? However, I’m not that reckless, of course I have added him on Facebook (to see if he’s genuine, and he was), but you know that one: you can never know. So, after getting off the train, I send him a text saying that I arrived and he told me to come at the entrance of that huge station. I slowly started going there, and was making myself not to think about all the other stuff I was thinking during my travel to Budapest, considering Mike, considering fight with my parents, considering my crappy city I left behind, considering my education which I was about to drop out. I was going to Budapest with the thought that maybe I won’t go back.

Of course I felt scared, because you are stepping into unknown and I was also scared because of Den, you are meeting someone unknown and you need to spend like few days in his apartment and sleep there and simply be in stranger’s company for a few days. He could be a killer, he could be a rapist, he could be who knows what, but simply sometimes you need to trust people and to let go. And I was making myself do that, and that thought helped me move away all the other stuff torturing me. Now I had a new problem. In Den’s profile, he seemed like a nice guy and until the end of this whole story you’ll see that he really is a great guy. I was scared, but when I met him, he seemed totally normal and cool guy – with very bad English. I don’t say my English is great, but Den’s English was very very bad. For example, one time when we talked, he made only one sentence in half an hour. And I tried to help him, we talked a lot, I taught him some phrases (like: ‘nose is running’ and stuff) but I had hard time understanding him. But we managed and I enjoyed a lot in his company, no matter language barrier. He was also very cute with his iPhone and his translator while we were talking and I’m not saying this in a mean way, it was simply cute. Even though he’s 25, he seemed like a small child. And right now I’m experiencing a huge smile, because I remembered him like that. When it comes to his physical looks, he really is cute, has blue eyes (as a lot of Hungarians) and was well-built, but not my type of guy, if you see him, you can say he is beautiful, but simply, even though he is beautiful, you are not attracted by him. I mean, at least I wasn’t, beside the fact that he IS hot and cute.

After meeting, we went outside and for the first time after 3 years I saw Budapest once again. I felt free, I felt the chills on my skin (because it was cold and because I simply enjoyed that), I saw building, people, and everything was so unknown and so new. Den and me took a bus and come to his building, in his neighbourhood. Now, my second float of fear was coming, because I need to enter his building and then his apartment. I was scared, but I forced my fear away and I manage to enter his room. And everything was – okay. He got me a sofa where I can sleep. I met his first roommate (he lives with 4 guys) and then we chatted and hangout till we decided to go to bed. He really looked like a great guy. From that moment and on, I knew that I could trust him and I did.

After talk and realizing that I will have a trouble with fast communication, we went to bed. That night, which is understandable, I didn’t slept well, because I was waking up every hour or two, simply because you are sleeping in a stranger’s room, and in a stranger’s bed. But with few days, I got used to it. And I miss his apartment and feeling of being safe there, which is weird to say, but with this fact you know how my first couch experience was, in one word – amazing. Honestly, I didn’t expect that. One good thing happened already during my first day. I made a friend, a really good friend.

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Back at home

Yesterday, after 10 days, I got back home from Budapest. I spent 10 A M A Z I N G days in Budapest and I returned home as a new person, I can simply say that to you. I realised a lot of things, met a lot of people, and lived a free life. I relaxed, found something new, experience something new, and I had a great time. I miss Budapest and all the people I met there.

This experience I experienced in only 10 days is PRICELESS. I will tell you more about it in future posts, so stay tuned... I'm starting to write my day one today.

Right now, I'm going to eat in my own kitchen and to take a shower in my own bathroom and get ready for the university...

Thanks everybody for reading and for being there for me. Btw, I have a questions, what is going on with wayner, I didn't hear from him in more than a month??? I'm kinda worried... Did anyone see him on another blogs?

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Budapest, here I come...

After everything, all drama, everything that happened, I feel like I’m choking and like I will slowly go insane. I screwed my exams, my relationship with Mike, my relationship with parents, everything. I feel so down and what I will write right now it’ll probably sound childish, reckless and like run away from problems, but there’s nothing else I can do. I was thinking about this a long time ago, and now, I planned everything and it feels like right thing to do, and the time is right, because of everything.

I can’t stay in this city, in this country, cause everything reminds me on Mike, I’m torturing my parents and I’m slowly dying mentally, because like I said million times before, I feel like a stranger.

I talked with my parents, I was thinking about this long time ago, to go somewhere, to clear my head, to start MY own life, to be free, to be myself, to fulfill myself.

They gave me their bless, I even found some job opportunities and in exactly two days I’m heading my way to Budapest, Hungary. And yeah, I'm putting that in public here, I won't be that mysterious like last time I went to some journey in April.

I had a chat with Chris once more, after everything, yesterday and the day before yesterday and we cleared things out, not everything but we had a nice chat. He was outraged that night and dunno what to think, about him, about Mike, about everything. I feel like naïve and very giving-myself-too-much person, because I consciously was dragged into all this, because this what I felt for Mike it’s unique, I’m aware of that, and I wanted to try anything (and when I say anything I mean anything) just to be there for him, to help him and to be next to him, I still love him no matter what and I care for him more than you can imagine, but it is impossible to be there next to him and my heart hurts like it never hurt before. I don't want to torture Chris too, because he's too possessive person, and that's how he'll make new problems for Mike and torture him more. I'm putting myself aside and I will pray and hope that Mike is alright. It will be hard, but it will be probably better far away from them, so I don't get into temptation to call them, to hear from Mike. I will have new life and new obligations, new people and new meaning. And one day, if I ever get over Mike, I know that it will be so hard and it will take a lot of time, cause I simply feel like this, 6 months after the breakup. Nothing changed, my feelings are the same, they didn't change even a tiny lil bit.

Thank you so much for reading, for all your comments, for everything, every single word on my blog, in your comments, in your emails means a world to me.

I simply love this blog.

Here’s one song for you, which is filmed in Budapest, very beautiful city. I love it! Enjoy!

Stay tuned, cause I won’t leave this blog, can’t wait to start my new adventure somewhere else.

Budapest, here I come! :)

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