Life is booming and fading...

Hello everybody.

It's nice to see you again. How have you been?

From my part, I'm amazing, living a life and enjoying every moment of it. I found a job, now I'm working full time, I have my own money and I'm saving a lot. I'm still in a relationship with N. My life is booming while my mothers is slowly fading. She has a severe cancer on her lungs. Her condition is really serious.

When it comes to my moving out of country, it happens that I will get the opportunity to do that soon. In a couple of weeks, if I get a job offer which will make me to move out of country. The offer is amazing, but I still have four major reasons why not to go.

1. My mother

2. N. and our relationship

3. People and life in my original country.

4. The University and finishing my education somehow

While the list for reasons why should I go is way bigger and more interesting.

I need to rethink it really hard and make a decision. When I get the offer, I have like 4 months to rethink it and to give them an answer. I think that this will be the hardest decision I ever made.

Even though it seems like I'm 100% sure I got the offer, the truth is I didn't, but I got an impression that they really liked me and that they will offer me a job. We'll see.

That is all for today. Welcome back to my blog!

B.

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Spring (Butterfly) Time

New Year passed... January passed... February passed... Winter passed... My birthday passed (I'm 22 now)... Spring came... Butterflies came... :)

How are you all? I've missed you and I hate apologizing over and over again when I disappear and when I appear again, so I won't do that.

I'm right now in an office where I "work" (volunteer to be precise). It's an office for international cooperation, mobilities and scholarships/exchange for students, well, actually the office is not strictly for that, I just work in that area. It's really fun to work here and I feel important when I sit in a chair in my separate office, drinking tea (I don't like coffee) and typing, talking with students and making jokes with my office colleagues.

Beside this "work" I do another real work where I earn money, not much, but for a student it's okay to have his own separate money and to enjoy life more. I designed and I'm managing a site for a travel agency and I earn 150€ monthly. Later, the boss even proposed me to start working on holidays, to guide tours and stuff like that, which I would really like, cause I will have a chance to travel and to practice languages more.

Nothing much in my life. Mom is okay, she finished with treating the cancer recently and she was through 30 procedures with radiation and she's still at home, relaxing and waiting for control in a few weeks. But I hope that everything is/will be fine. She feels fine and looks better.

I found a new boyfriend, in a gay club, one and a half month ago. His name will be N. and I feel okay and satisfied when I'm with him. I'm really glad I met him and I like him more from day to day. The previous weekend we spent the whole weekend together in an apartment. He's 28 years old and he works in a political party, which is an awkward thing in our relationship, cause I don't like politics that much. :)

That's all from me for now. I will try to write more soon, cause I have a lot on my mind to share with you. I missed blogging.

Thanks for reading,

B.

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RIP Jamey Rodemeyer

I can't help it, I must mention Jamey Rodemeyer on my blog... I suppose you all heard that he was a 14 year old gay boy who killed himself and that he was being bullied because of his sexuality. It is a really sad and not so rare story, but this one got attention because he was blogging about his suffers and he was searching for support and for comfort and you can't blame him for that, you only must respect him. I just started crying......

Jamey, Rest in Peace...

I don't like when something like this has to happen so someone take action and notice something which is in front of them all the time. It's just so sad, and we people are so weak and so selfish. I'm deeply hurt by all this and I really hope that something will be done, because Jamey and all other people (not just gay, I mean all people) out there being bullied deserve that... I'm just thinking about (now, I'm being selfish) where would I be if I didn't 'close' myself and camouflaged myself into my homophobic society and environment and stayed 'unnoticeable'. The camouflage and 'closing' was only my way of dealing with thing, until I felt that I'm ready to confront the world, which I already started, but I'm going slowly and carefully because I'm not sure am I completely ready yet... We humans are really fragile and precious things and a small word and a simple act can really damage us hard... See what happened to Jamey... But also, the small word and the small act can also make us so happy and so full of love. We must protect each other and take care of each other, that's the key to the perfection. That's the key to the Love, not Hate.

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Ricky Martin - 'Me', influence on me and a REVIEW

I finished book few weeks ago and I decided to put a little review of my own here on my own blog.

I followed Ricky's career not that much, only with tabloids and stuff, but secretly, because all my 'gay interest' and 'not-normal' stuff I did secretly. I saw rumors of him being gay and news about him getting children and all that we all knew through magazines and papers. And I was admiring him secretly. And then, accidentally I went to his site and saw that he 'came out' as a homosexual man and I was surprised and happy in the same time. It was somewhere around April or May of 2010 when I found out that he came out as a happy gay man and I was glad.

Later, I found out that he published a book, somewhere around November 2010 and that is a time when my breakup happened and after seeing the cover and seeing it's a biography, all I wanted is to get that book somehow. And I did, I got some money and I bought book in August of 2011, it took me so much time, but I got it. I wanted to learn more about him and also to improve my English.

To be honest, he's not a great writer (expected), he still needs to work more on his style and some parts of the book are repeated constantly, but it's was okay reading it, easy written, simple sentences and I kinda enjoyed it. I also realize that this is his way to promote himself more, because his career started to go down-way, but no matter what I think that he helped me to improve my English and to learn something about him.

I don't know did I mention it earlier, but this blog and all my diaries and stuff I collect about my life and all my writings are some kind of resources for me writing a book one day, a book for my homophobic society and for all the other gay and st8 people out there, and the book who will hopefully open some eyes and free some minds. I got idea few years ago and I even started it, I got a first paragraph (it's a beginning) but I need to think through this idea more, because it's not a easy task. I was also planning to start writing a gay fairytales and that will be my contribution to a gay world. It's not a big deal, but I would feel very happy if I furfill this dream of mine.

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How everything began

Well, it was in seventh grade when I was 13 years old.

At first I didn't give to much attention to that "new" feeling and with years it became more and more serious. I started to watch boys in other way (I mean on boys from my surrounding not my friends), I had fantasies with some cute guy in bus for example. Culmination of all this stunned me in second grade of high school when I fell in love (I think).

At first THAT boy was just cute to me, and slowly I start noticing him more often and then I run mad about him. Sorry because I explain in this simple way, it's just because I need to get some confidence in this blog and its readers. I wish to stay anonymous and that is prime reason why at first I won't be so communicative here. That's same thing that happened with my diary, at first I was like this, shy. Slowly you'll see that I will start talking more and more. Now to go back to my gay/bi confusion. Simply said, I'm not hundred percent sure.

From now on I will call THAT boy D, because his first name starts with D.

Until next post.

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Fresh start

OK, this will be my first post.

Today is my first anniversary of recognition me as "different person" or should I say gay/bi person. I don't know how to classify myself, because I'm still confused, but we'll see what will happen with me through this blog.

I'm hoping that this blog will have some readers who will help me to direct my confusion.

Hello, I'm anonymous blogger and I'm 18 years old. Welcome to my blog!

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