Holiday, Girls, School and Dream about D

Yesterday I was in travel agency and I booked my flight to some island for the summer. I will go to some island in Europe. Well, never mind that, I’m going at that island with some friends and I will use that time to relax, to find out am I gay or bi or sraight or I don’t know what :) I’m going to go there somewhere at the end of July and the beginning of August and I’ll be on island for about 10 days. I can't wait. Simply, I feel that it will be awesome time... :)))

I god an A on biology test and I’m finish with biology, I won’t have biology never again in my life :( cause soon the high school will be over. I also got an A on first part of test in philosophy, the second part is somewhere in May. But I like philosophy, so that’s not a problem.

Soon, as I said, I’ll finish school and went to university, I already applied for one, and I will have enrolling test somewhere in June, so I will know will I be there or somewhere else. I can’t wait. I’m bit sad, cause I won’t see my classmates so often as now, but what can I do, that’s life. I will do my best to stay in contact with a few of them, the ones who mean a lot to me. If it is/was true friendship, it will last, in other way, it won’t and I must accept that as it is. Life is sometimes hard, but what the hack. I’m always optimistic :)

Now, a few words about sexuality part. I’ve noticed that I’m right now in some straight phase. I notice girls more than boys right now, and the most surprising part is that I think that I feel something about my classmate (girl classmate). I had never watched her on that way, but now, I don’t know is it because of that we are leaving, or I don’t know what else, but she looks kinda cute to me. We were together for one time, but it was one night thing only and it was while we were drunk at some party, but I must admit that from that night, I didn’t look at her on the same way. We are quite good friends, and we even make jokes about that night, but something is different and I can feel that she feels the same, or maybe I’m wrong. We’ll see.

Oh, yeah I almost forgot. I had a dream about her last night. To be honest, I had several dreams just in one night o_0. It was really scary. First some nightmare, then some party dream where I even dreamed of D. And that mustn’t happen again, it simply can’t! And the weirdest thing of all is that he was in exactly same shirt today as in my dream.

Thanks for reading,

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First post again :)

It's great to be back. I re-added several blogs, which I were subscribed earlier, to my RSS feed and I feel really excited. I love to read all about other guys and it helps me a lot. First - because I feel accepted and not so different after all. Second because a lot of other guys are thinking like I do or think very similar.

I love to blog, but the reason why I don't keep this one up-to-date is because of my English. I need to think hard to write in English, but I hope that it will be better and better. But the point is that I'm improving it every day.

Just because of this reason please know that while I'm typing, maybe I didn't meant something that is written, or I didn't have words to say what I intended to say.

Oh, now I read my previous posts and I noticed that I never write what happened with my "love" with D.

Lol, D. is part of my past. He's very egocentric as I said in some post; he's jerk with all adjectives considering that word. I don't know why I liked him so much, he is sexy and cute but he's an idiot.

I'm moving on... After him, like I said I was confused with my sexuality, cause I never tried anything with some boy and I asked myself: 'How can I know am I really gay or not?' When I watch porn or some nude pictures or men's bodies, they really turn me on, but the porns, the pictures and the bodies of girls does that too. That's why I categorize myself as bisexual, but after him I wasn't sure. I don't know was I blinded by him or what, but I felt gayer when I had crush on him. Now I feel straighter :) (I don't even know does this adjective exist in English), and I'm not having crush on any girl right now. There're a lot of cuties around me, male and female, but I've never been attracted to any guy before as I was attracted by D. YET! I'm opened for new challenges and for the new pain :) from boys and from girls :)...

You don't know how much I would like to try something out with some boy, just to be sure is it same as with girls. Maybe I will have chance during summer time, cause I'm going on some island with some friends. Well, that's small problem, cause no one knows about my sexuality, but I will try my best in hiding this potential adventure with some boy. It will be secret and with that fact it will be even more interesting :) I'm adventurer, just for the record.

In my life right now there's nothing special at all. It's all about school and I'm senior year and I can't wait until I finish. I will probably be sad because of my friends, because the most part of my class goes to different universities and we won't see each other so often, but I think that I will continue to hang out with people who really means me a lot (true friends) although there's a fact that we are probably going to the different university.

Oh, yeah, the university. I should write about that more. But as I'm keeping my name and my residence as secret you will probably wait until I figure out what I can say and what I cannot to you and other readers. Why? Because I don't want to risk anything to be revealed to the persons who might know me in person. I am a bit paranoid, but you can never know who is reading.

I don't really know why I am so secret and mysterious, but one of the reasons is fear of revealing. I really don't want that for now. I hope that you understand...

Thanks for reading :)

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The end of school

School has officially ended. Now I can enjoy my summer holiday and my time with D. :)

A lot happened in these past two-three days, a lot of big happening, and my emotions and impressions about all aren't settled yet, and I simply can't write right now.

I was again at some party with D. I noticed that I drink a lot, and I promised myself that I'll drink only in his presence, and I try to obey that. I was so drunk that night with him, we danced a little, we hugged each other (but only friendly) and I simply can't understand how I manage to control myself not to tell him anything about my feelings or to anybody else. They say that drunk people say a lot of things they don't want to. Alcohol is like some truth serum but not for me, I think.

Now I'm bit scared am I too predictable and too obvious. What if he and his (our) friends find about me... I really don't know what I will do. OMG, I don't even want to think about this. Am I too obvious with my acts?

First things first, take care of what can be done now before worrying too long over what might never be... I like this saying. It really relaxes me when I'm like this.

Thanks for reading, that's all...

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School

It is the first day of school. I saw him, we had some vacation and I didn't see him for over a week. He's so cute.

The yesterday party was really boring and he wasn't there. There were a few people (about 60) and party was so boring so I left about midnight.

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How everything began

Well, it was in seventh grade when I was 13 years old.

At first I didn't give to much attention to that "new" feeling and with years it became more and more serious. I started to watch boys in other way (I mean on boys from my surrounding not my friends), I had fantasies with some cute guy in bus for example. Culmination of all this stunned me in second grade of high school when I fell in love (I think).

At first THAT boy was just cute to me, and slowly I start noticing him more often and then I run mad about him. Sorry because I explain in this simple way, it's just because I need to get some confidence in this blog and its readers. I wish to stay anonymous and that is prime reason why at first I won't be so communicative here. That's same thing that happened with my diary, at first I was like this, shy. Slowly you'll see that I will start talking more and more. Now to go back to my gay/bi confusion. Simply said, I'm not hundred percent sure.

From now on I will call THAT boy D, because his first name starts with D.

Until next post.

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