Spring (Butterfly) Time

New Year passed... January passed... February passed... Winter passed... My birthday passed (I'm 22 now)... Spring came... Butterflies came... :)

How are you all? I've missed you and I hate apologizing over and over again when I disappear and when I appear again, so I won't do that.

I'm right now in an office where I "work" (volunteer to be precise). It's an office for international cooperation, mobilities and scholarships/exchange for students, well, actually the office is not strictly for that, I just work in that area. It's really fun to work here and I feel important when I sit in a chair in my separate office, drinking tea (I don't like coffee) and typing, talking with students and making jokes with my office colleagues.

Beside this "work" I do another real work where I earn money, not much, but for a student it's okay to have his own separate money and to enjoy life more. I designed and I'm managing a site for a travel agency and I earn 150€ monthly. Later, the boss even proposed me to start working on holidays, to guide tours and stuff like that, which I would really like, cause I will have a chance to travel and to practice languages more.

Nothing much in my life. Mom is okay, she finished with treating the cancer recently and she was through 30 procedures with radiation and she's still at home, relaxing and waiting for control in a few weeks. But I hope that everything is/will be fine. She feels fine and looks better.

I found a new boyfriend, in a gay club, one and a half month ago. His name will be N. and I feel okay and satisfied when I'm with him. I'm really glad I met him and I like him more from day to day. The previous weekend we spent the whole weekend together in an apartment. He's 28 years old and he works in a political party, which is an awkward thing in our relationship, cause I don't like politics that much. :)

That's all from me for now. I will try to write more soon, cause I have a lot on my mind to share with you. I missed blogging.

Thanks for reading,

B.

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Saying Goodbye to Mike

Last week I met with Mike and Chris, because Mike was travelling to another city in some other country to see his mother. I kinda made Chris allow me to see Mike and as I said before, Chris and I chatted a lot while I was in Budapest and even after I got back.

To be honest, I realized that Chris and Mike’s relationship will never last. I don’t know how to explain. Simply, Chris made Mike not use his Facebook, Mike lost his laptop because of Chris (he broke it in some fight they had), and Chris is really complicated, very possessive and very unstable person because he is obsessed with Mike. And because I know that this will make Mike gone mad, I know that it will break someday and Chris only lives in illusion of having relationship until the end of his life. This is kinda childish and immature for 21 and 22 years old. Mike is almost 22 now. And I admit that I’m also very immature, I simply can’t let it go, I care about Mike a lot. Maybe I even love him but as I said to Sam yesterday, I’m okay with it and I simply know that someone special for me will come. I realized that Mike and I are totally different worlds, and I made peace accepting the fact that Mike doesn’t want to be with me. My heart hurts, but what can I do. And no matter how hurt I am, I still care about him and I want to be there for him.

And last week, I realized that he is slowly forgetting me and he is also kinda lying to himself about everything he feels toward Chris and Chris is very selfish, even though he cares for Mike. Simply said, their relationship was and still is full of lies. Mike simply can’t be totally honest with Chris because Chris is really sensitive and reckless and as we all know, the trust is the most important base of every relationship, and that’s why I think it will break eventually.

I know that Mike dreams to be free and that he is very tortured inside, with his past with that friend (his best friend from childhood). I can feel it and I can see it. Maybe I’m wrong, but time will show. As for now I still don’t want to lose Mike and not in relationship-meaning, I just like when he is around me, I care a lot about him and I don’t care anymore about him being in relationship with someone else. I just wanna be there for him no matter what. And to be honest, Mike seems kinda weird, like he is doing this on purpose. Like, when I started talking with Chris he was very against that. Maybe he’s playing us both and he’s kinda put in the corner because Chris and I communicate. Time will also show. I just want to be there for him when he needs me, because as I said, I care a lot about him, no matter he hurt me, no matter we will probably never be together and I hate see him be sad and hurt.

I miss Mike. Well, to be honest, I miss kisses, hugging, cuddling and having someone to love and to know he is there for you and he is into you. I only miss the idea of having a boyfriend and not Mike, because he disappointed me, used me and now he’s kinda leaving me aside. And I just wanna know why when he told me few months ago: ‘I know that I will have you for my whole life.’ This sentence is haunting me always.

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