Back to University

Past week was my return to University, classes have started and I feel okay, and I succeed to apply for third year without major problems, even though I'm a lot behind my classmates. And I enjoyed a lot during classes, because I didn't think about anything else. And also, I'm happy because New Year's Eve is coming soon, and me and my friends are planning to go to Amsterdam, maybe. We are still searching for accommodation and for transport. And that is also keeping me busy. Can't wait... :)

I won't speak a lot about U. and about after holiday time, because as I said before I was disappointed, because I didn't expect that U. will be the way he turn out to be. He was not ready for longish-distance relationship, and we were separated only by 2 hours drive with the train, one hour by bus. And later he even proposed me to be 'friends with benefits'.

I just want to share one more stuff with the people from this blog. It's a good part of our relationship and really nice memory. A picture U. sent me while he was on Corfu and I was back. It was so romantic picture which really meant a lot to me, but later it became really disturbing to watch, and I planned to share with you in some better mood than this one, but the reality is different. Enjoy! :D

Mine and U's hand during second morning we spent together. My hand is with the watch, btw ;)

Also, I forgot to mention that I visited gay club for the first time. But I will write about this in a next post, this is enough for now. I need to learn how to make my posts shorter and more interesting ;) hope you understand...

Thanks for reading.

B.

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RIP Jamey Rodemeyer

I can't help it, I must mention Jamey Rodemeyer on my blog... I suppose you all heard that he was a 14 year old gay boy who killed himself and that he was being bullied because of his sexuality. It is a really sad and not so rare story, but this one got attention because he was blogging about his suffers and he was searching for support and for comfort and you can't blame him for that, you only must respect him. I just started crying......

Jamey, Rest in Peace...

I don't like when something like this has to happen so someone take action and notice something which is in front of them all the time. It's just so sad, and we people are so weak and so selfish. I'm deeply hurt by all this and I really hope that something will be done, because Jamey and all other people (not just gay, I mean all people) out there being bullied deserve that... I'm just thinking about (now, I'm being selfish) where would I be if I didn't 'close' myself and camouflaged myself into my homophobic society and environment and stayed 'unnoticeable'. The camouflage and 'closing' was only my way of dealing with thing, until I felt that I'm ready to confront the world, which I already started, but I'm going slowly and carefully because I'm not sure am I completely ready yet... We humans are really fragile and precious things and a small word and a simple act can really damage us hard... See what happened to Jamey... But also, the small word and the small act can also make us so happy and so full of love. We must protect each other and take care of each other, that's the key to the perfection. That's the key to the Love, not Hate.

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Ricky Martin - 'Me', influence on me and a REVIEW

I finished book few weeks ago and I decided to put a little review of my own here on my own blog.

I followed Ricky's career not that much, only with tabloids and stuff, but secretly, because all my 'gay interest' and 'not-normal' stuff I did secretly. I saw rumors of him being gay and news about him getting children and all that we all knew through magazines and papers. And I was admiring him secretly. And then, accidentally I went to his site and saw that he 'came out' as a homosexual man and I was surprised and happy in the same time. It was somewhere around April or May of 2010 when I found out that he came out as a happy gay man and I was glad.

Later, I found out that he published a book, somewhere around November 2010 and that is a time when my breakup happened and after seeing the cover and seeing it's a biography, all I wanted is to get that book somehow. And I did, I got some money and I bought book in August of 2011, it took me so much time, but I got it. I wanted to learn more about him and also to improve my English.

To be honest, he's not a great writer (expected), he still needs to work more on his style and some parts of the book are repeated constantly, but it's was okay reading it, easy written, simple sentences and I kinda enjoyed it. I also realize that this is his way to promote himself more, because his career started to go down-way, but no matter what I think that he helped me to improve my English and to learn something about him.

I don't know did I mention it earlier, but this blog and all my diaries and stuff I collect about my life and all my writings are some kind of resources for me writing a book one day, a book for my homophobic society and for all the other gay and st8 people out there, and the book who will hopefully open some eyes and free some minds. I got idea few years ago and I even started it, I got a first paragraph (it's a beginning) but I need to think through this idea more, because it's not a easy task. I was also planning to start writing a gay fairytales and that will be my contribution to a gay world. It's not a big deal, but I would feel very happy if I furfill this dream of mine.

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Saying Goodbye to Mike

Last week I met with Mike and Chris, because Mike was travelling to another city in some other country to see his mother. I kinda made Chris allow me to see Mike and as I said before, Chris and I chatted a lot while I was in Budapest and even after I got back.

To be honest, I realized that Chris and Mike’s relationship will never last. I don’t know how to explain. Simply, Chris made Mike not use his Facebook, Mike lost his laptop because of Chris (he broke it in some fight they had), and Chris is really complicated, very possessive and very unstable person because he is obsessed with Mike. And because I know that this will make Mike gone mad, I know that it will break someday and Chris only lives in illusion of having relationship until the end of his life. This is kinda childish and immature for 21 and 22 years old. Mike is almost 22 now. And I admit that I’m also very immature, I simply can’t let it go, I care about Mike a lot. Maybe I even love him but as I said to Sam yesterday, I’m okay with it and I simply know that someone special for me will come. I realized that Mike and I are totally different worlds, and I made peace accepting the fact that Mike doesn’t want to be with me. My heart hurts, but what can I do. And no matter how hurt I am, I still care about him and I want to be there for him.

And last week, I realized that he is slowly forgetting me and he is also kinda lying to himself about everything he feels toward Chris and Chris is very selfish, even though he cares for Mike. Simply said, their relationship was and still is full of lies. Mike simply can’t be totally honest with Chris because Chris is really sensitive and reckless and as we all know, the trust is the most important base of every relationship, and that’s why I think it will break eventually.

I know that Mike dreams to be free and that he is very tortured inside, with his past with that friend (his best friend from childhood). I can feel it and I can see it. Maybe I’m wrong, but time will show. As for now I still don’t want to lose Mike and not in relationship-meaning, I just like when he is around me, I care a lot about him and I don’t care anymore about him being in relationship with someone else. I just wanna be there for him no matter what. And to be honest, Mike seems kinda weird, like he is doing this on purpose. Like, when I started talking with Chris he was very against that. Maybe he’s playing us both and he’s kinda put in the corner because Chris and I communicate. Time will also show. I just want to be there for him when he needs me, because as I said, I care a lot about him, no matter he hurt me, no matter we will probably never be together and I hate see him be sad and hurt.

I miss Mike. Well, to be honest, I miss kisses, hugging, cuddling and having someone to love and to know he is there for you and he is into you. I only miss the idea of having a boyfriend and not Mike, because he disappointed me, used me and now he’s kinda leaving me aside. And I just wanna know why when he told me few months ago: ‘I know that I will have you for my whole life.’ This sentence is haunting me always.

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Music: 3 Doors Down - Here Without You

The new song I like so much. It left big impression on me. Reminds me on D. (again, well I think that every song reminds me on him, even some house songs cause I was on a lot of parties with him)... I'm losing my mind, but nevertheless I think that I'm slowly forgetting him, which is amazing...

Here are the words of the song:

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face

A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same

But all the miles had separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rollin
as the people either way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
but I hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know,
and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

And here's a video, I especially love the first part (first 15 seconds) the music is great and the words are amazing. Enjoy:




Hope you'll like it.

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10 days with D.

OK, we were at trip for 10 days and I can tell you that it was amazing, but I'm not so satisfied about my hanging out with D. I spent more time with his best friend and other people, because he was in other room (something complicated about keys and other stuffs) because we were going on group trip. So I was in room with his best friend and some other guy. D. was in totally different area of hotel :(

But we became closer than we were before this trip and I'm glad because of that. He told me a lot of things that I didn't knew before and I was disappointed with him in past two-three days. He came out to be just like I always knew, but I didn't want to accept that (love is blind believe me). He's total jerk. He's so cute, adorable, but in his head he totally egocentric (even more I ever imagine) and so selfish and so want-to-use-people. He thinks that with his cuteness and girls liking him, he can have everything.


I was used by him, two times. I recently find that out. First time it happened on that party (read post Night with D.) where I brought Simone and all other girls with me. I thought that Simone started to kiss with him first, but later I discovered that D. started first even I already told him to stay away from her (I told him that I will try to hook up with her). Just for the record, both were drunk that night. Then second time was three days ago when I also brought Simone to some party at some house. D. asked me to bring her. And D. slept with her just for his selfish desire to have sex. His plan was to bring some girls and hook up with them. This was like some test for Simone, because I like her a lot and I noticed that he likes me too. I was trying to see will she go all the way with D. and she did. And just for the record, she's almost 3 years older than him and always tells me that "he's little jerk, kid, but he's so cute and good kisser, but still a kid". From that words and the tone she speaks about him I thought that she hate him. But after 4 glass of vodka she was in bed with him. That night was so depressing for me because her words and everything fall into water and my heart was broken again.

Tomorrow I talked with Simone and I told her everything, about my feelings and such. We talked also about the previous night.

And what about she-likes-me part? Well, that was true, she liked or likes me, and she admitted that to me when I told her everything, but the main problem is two things. First one, she has a boyfriend (she had it even when she was with D, she cheated her boyfriend with D.), and second problem is me, because I can't look at her the same way. She's so... I don't have or I don't know word, but so disappointing for me :( I feel so used and betrayed. D. is jerk, idiot. He didn't even send me txt or anything, and he's on another holiday right now. I'll see him in about a week, and I must see what he thinks about everything. Just for the record, he maybe doesn't know what Simone is for me, but never mind that, he's still jerk.

Comments are welcome; I need them to feel better :)
P.S. Dunno why, maybe because of jealousy or fact that I'm virgin with 18, I have enormous desire to have sex with a guy or girl, whatever comes first.

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Shelter movie review

Sometimes the life you have isn't the one you want.

I just watched movie "Shelter" online and I can tell you that it's quite good. This is my second gay movie that I watched. I watched only "Broakback Mountain" before this and I like "Shelter" cause it's more modern and closer to me.

I like a story between Zech and Shaun. It is so romantic, so dramatic and so amazing. I like it as happy end, but just for the record to all gays, not every story ends like that one or starts like that one :( It will be nice, but still it isn't like that.

I won't spoil anything to you; just watch the movie that's my recommendation.

I'd like to find something like this (I mean on their relationship), looks kinda normal now.

P.S. Recommend me some other movies like this one and "Brokeback Mountain".

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