Spring (Butterfly) Time

New Year passed... January passed... February passed... Winter passed... My birthday passed (I'm 22 now)... Spring came... Butterflies came... :)

How are you all? I've missed you and I hate apologizing over and over again when I disappear and when I appear again, so I won't do that.

I'm right now in an office where I "work" (volunteer to be precise). It's an office for international cooperation, mobilities and scholarships/exchange for students, well, actually the office is not strictly for that, I just work in that area. It's really fun to work here and I feel important when I sit in a chair in my separate office, drinking tea (I don't like coffee) and typing, talking with students and making jokes with my office colleagues.

Beside this "work" I do another real work where I earn money, not much, but for a student it's okay to have his own separate money and to enjoy life more. I designed and I'm managing a site for a travel agency and I earn 150€ monthly. Later, the boss even proposed me to start working on holidays, to guide tours and stuff like that, which I would really like, cause I will have a chance to travel and to practice languages more.

Nothing much in my life. Mom is okay, she finished with treating the cancer recently and she was through 30 procedures with radiation and she's still at home, relaxing and waiting for control in a few weeks. But I hope that everything is/will be fine. She feels fine and looks better.

I found a new boyfriend, in a gay club, one and a half month ago. His name will be N. and I feel okay and satisfied when I'm with him. I'm really glad I met him and I like him more from day to day. The previous weekend we spent the whole weekend together in an apartment. He's 28 years old and he works in a political party, which is an awkward thing in our relationship, cause I don't like politics that much. :)

That's all from me for now. I will try to write more soon, cause I have a lot on my mind to share with you. I missed blogging.

Thanks for reading,

B.

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Back to University

Past week was my return to University, classes have started and I feel okay, and I succeed to apply for third year without major problems, even though I'm a lot behind my classmates. And I enjoyed a lot during classes, because I didn't think about anything else. And also, I'm happy because New Year's Eve is coming soon, and me and my friends are planning to go to Amsterdam, maybe. We are still searching for accommodation and for transport. And that is also keeping me busy. Can't wait... :)

I won't speak a lot about U. and about after holiday time, because as I said before I was disappointed, because I didn't expect that U. will be the way he turn out to be. He was not ready for longish-distance relationship, and we were separated only by 2 hours drive with the train, one hour by bus. And later he even proposed me to be 'friends with benefits'.

I just want to share one more stuff with the people from this blog. It's a good part of our relationship and really nice memory. A picture U. sent me while he was on Corfu and I was back. It was so romantic picture which really meant a lot to me, but later it became really disturbing to watch, and I planned to share with you in some better mood than this one, but the reality is different. Enjoy! :D

Mine and U's hand during second morning we spent together. My hand is with the watch, btw ;)

Also, I forgot to mention that I visited gay club for the first time. But I will write about this in a next post, this is enough for now. I need to learn how to make my posts shorter and more interesting ;) hope you understand...

Thanks for reading.

B.

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Pride day in my homophobic country

It's less than one week until the fourth Pride in my country. First one was a disaster with blood all around (it was held 10 years ago), I don't have information did anyone die and the pride site is down right now so I can't check the info, but I know there was a lot of blood and that a lot of people was seriously hurt. Second one (2 years ago) was canceled because of security measures and some serious threats. Third (last year) was successful, but it was really poor and very very risky and it was followed by riots and gathered like 6000 anti-gay activists (and there was like only 1000 gay people on the Pride, half of them was politicians who was there only for political purpose). Also, the whole city was blocked, violated and now, in less than one week from now, the fourth Pride is going to be held...

I'm following all the news and events which are related to the 'Pride' and I feel very sad with every comment I read or hear because I see how "my" (and I'm really ashamed right now to say that they are "mine") own people are so ignorant and so narrow minded (in my language, we use term "left behind"). Even positive and the "pros" comments aren't satisfying enough that it will really get better. It is so sad because majority of people hate something they don't even wanna find out and on their faces you can see that they don't even have a wish to just try to understand it. But that doesn't prevent them to comment it freely and openly (meaning negative) and to hate it. In one way I even understand them (fear of unknown and simply fear), but in another, I can't take it anymore and I can't understand how people can be THAT ignorant. My parents included (well, more dad than mom, I even think mom is okay right now with all that), even though they know about me more than a year. It's hating without a reason, which is the most stupidest thing ever and which is something DUMB and idiotic. They judge something they don't know NOTHING (literally) about. It's so sad. I just watched some TV talk show where they discussed Pride, and it was so sad and I felt really bad and I wished I never was born here, I feel so ashamed of my country, of my people, of everything said and done against Pride and I kinda lost hope (even though the hope dies last) that even a slightly lil bit will change. But... because I'm a helpless and unbeatable optimist... I still have a little hope left, only little...

Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know and you'll see the way to fly.

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Party, cuties and a DREAM

Party was nice, nothing special. There were a lot of my friends and I had a good time, but still nothing special. I was bit drunk and I must admit that I enjoyed a lot in that. Also I must admit one more thing. I love to dance with girls when I'm drunk, like that I don't watch boys so much, even dough there were a lot of hot boys. I love to party in my city, our city is very famous about that and the parties are just crazy. I have finally unstressed myself after 3 months :) But as I said it was nothing special, there were too many people, very crowded, but as I said I was bit drunk so I didn't care :)

The next interesting thing happened yesterday while I was downtown. While traveling to the downtown by bus, I saw one hot guy and he stared at me a lot. I must admit that I was embarrassed a bit because it was uncomfortable, he stared a lot, I could feel his eyes on me, and I just notice that, I didn't have a time to stare at him back, because I'm acting straight, so I held my view down or outside the window. But he was really hot.

And then when I was coming back to the place where I live, I also saw another guy who also starred at me and when I took off the bus, I saw that he even turned his head to see me again o_0. He was also hot, even hotter that the first one and I could even stare at him (of course, I stare when he was looking through the window). Two times in one day. WTF? I don't know did I have something on me or what. I was normal, like any other day when I go to the downtown. I was very surprised, and if I'm 'out' I could even date with these two guys. Well, the first one was bit skinny, but the second one was just perfect, but he was about 24-28 years old.

And now, when I went to bed and when I woke up, I was totally surprised by what I have dreamed. It was so real and the picture of dream isn't blurring at all. I remember it all, even the details.

First, I went into some apartment and there I was at some gay party. I was invited, dunno by whom. It was kinda weird and I know that I was so scared, cause I am still closeted, but I somehow knew that no one will recognize me, and I felt somehow invisible - I just watched party while sitting and drinking on some sofa. I didn't make out with anybody, but I watched some guys having sex in the bathroom, I think. OK that's bit blurry :)

And then, I don't know how it happened (you know that happenings in dreams are fast, not so real and always confusing after you woke up, but while you dream, it seems completely normal). Ok, I don't know how it happened, but I think that some guy was killed (I didn't know who, I just noticed that everyone was running and screaming) and then police came in the blink of an eye. This was the moment which scared a shit in me. They put all the party people into one room and held some press-conference. So fast o_0... I somehow wasn't put into the room, I tried to go out but the police was on the front door and I was just thinking that this will be in newspaper, everyone will know that I was at some gay party and that I'm 'different', my life is over, what will my parents say, what will happen with me. But still, one part of my body told me that it's not so bad. I don't know how, I wasn't that scared; I was just scared for one moment. Maybe I was aware that I was dreaming. Then I took courage to ask the person who was leading the press-conference. She was some blond woman from some TV show and I wasn't so surprised about her (well I was when I woke up)...

I asked: "Can I go home?" She simply said, while putting a hand over the microphone: "Of course you can" and nodded with her head. What is the chance that she will let someone go home and the murdered just happened? I was so happy that I can go home. When I was going to the front door, the police from the door was gone. And then the most surprising thing happened. Near the front door there were two of my friends from school, girl friends. They were not surprised for seeing me; they just went with me down stairs. I also felt fear for one moment, but after seeing them acting normal, I wasn't so scared. They didn't ask me anything and we went out of the building and I even know where that building was (in real life). It is somewhere in the city, near the center. We ran through the city and then, I don't know what happened, it's blurry and I don't know what was the moment when I woke up, but I know that I remembered a dream very well like you can see. I just can tell you that I was so relieved when I woke up and realize that it was only a dream.....

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First post again :)

It's great to be back. I re-added several blogs, which I were subscribed earlier, to my RSS feed and I feel really excited. I love to read all about other guys and it helps me a lot. First - because I feel accepted and not so different after all. Second because a lot of other guys are thinking like I do or think very similar.

I love to blog, but the reason why I don't keep this one up-to-date is because of my English. I need to think hard to write in English, but I hope that it will be better and better. But the point is that I'm improving it every day.

Just because of this reason please know that while I'm typing, maybe I didn't meant something that is written, or I didn't have words to say what I intended to say.

Oh, now I read my previous posts and I noticed that I never write what happened with my "love" with D.

Lol, D. is part of my past. He's very egocentric as I said in some post; he's jerk with all adjectives considering that word. I don't know why I liked him so much, he is sexy and cute but he's an idiot.

I'm moving on... After him, like I said I was confused with my sexuality, cause I never tried anything with some boy and I asked myself: 'How can I know am I really gay or not?' When I watch porn or some nude pictures or men's bodies, they really turn me on, but the porns, the pictures and the bodies of girls does that too. That's why I categorize myself as bisexual, but after him I wasn't sure. I don't know was I blinded by him or what, but I felt gayer when I had crush on him. Now I feel straighter :) (I don't even know does this adjective exist in English), and I'm not having crush on any girl right now. There're a lot of cuties around me, male and female, but I've never been attracted to any guy before as I was attracted by D. YET! I'm opened for new challenges and for the new pain :) from boys and from girls :)...

You don't know how much I would like to try something out with some boy, just to be sure is it same as with girls. Maybe I will have chance during summer time, cause I'm going on some island with some friends. Well, that's small problem, cause no one knows about my sexuality, but I will try my best in hiding this potential adventure with some boy. It will be secret and with that fact it will be even more interesting :) I'm adventurer, just for the record.

In my life right now there's nothing special at all. It's all about school and I'm senior year and I can't wait until I finish. I will probably be sad because of my friends, because the most part of my class goes to different universities and we won't see each other so often, but I think that I will continue to hang out with people who really means me a lot (true friends) although there's a fact that we are probably going to the different university.

Oh, yeah, the university. I should write about that more. But as I'm keeping my name and my residence as secret you will probably wait until I figure out what I can say and what I cannot to you and other readers. Why? Because I don't want to risk anything to be revealed to the persons who might know me in person. I am a bit paranoid, but you can never know who is reading.

I don't really know why I am so secret and mysterious, but one of the reasons is fear of revealing. I really don't want that for now. I hope that you understand...

Thanks for reading :)

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I'm back

Hello, everybody!

I'm back to blogging at this blog and I hope that you'll enjoy my new stories. I was going to stop blogging cause I felt confused about my bisexuality and about my 'different' side, but now I think that this is the best time for me to have blog and through it I hope I'll break down this confusing.

Am I gay or bisexual or straight - we'll see. For now, I'll hold to this blog and to your comments and to your support. Thanks to everybody who is writing to me and trying to help me understand what means 'to be different'...

That is all for now.

See you soon with some new fresh stories. :D

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Online dating

I really don't know is this good or bad, but in my country it is really hard to find people who are gay or bisexual. Well, they really exist, but they are pretending to be straight cause it's really hard to live your life like outed gay.

So, because I never was in gay relationship or even be with a gay, I decide to join some local gay community website. You can put your profile and people can send you a message. And I can say that I'm surprised.

I got a lot of disgusting messages just asking for sex in some really disgusting way... I just ignored messages like that. But I got three really nice messages, now even more with really nice people. Some guy who is only one year older than me and some other guy who is 5 years older and the third one is guy who is 8 years old. Well, I'm just discussing with them through email so nothing happened and no one knows who I am in real life. Second guy became disgusting when I told him that I'm not for a meeting right now, so he's not in my list anymore.

Who knows, maybe I'm going to see one of them soon. The first (one year older) guy seems nice, but only seems. I don't really know is he real and does he have really 19 years. And I don't even know how he looks like, but from the emails, I think that he's not so hot.

Thanks for reading.

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Shelter movie review

Sometimes the life you have isn't the one you want.

I just watched movie "Shelter" online and I can tell you that it's quite good. This is my second gay movie that I watched. I watched only "Broakback Mountain" before this and I like "Shelter" cause it's more modern and closer to me.

I like a story between Zech and Shaun. It is so romantic, so dramatic and so amazing. I like it as happy end, but just for the record to all gays, not every story ends like that one or starts like that one :( It will be nice, but still it isn't like that.

I won't spoil anything to you; just watch the movie that's my recommendation.

I'd like to find something like this (I mean on their relationship), looks kinda normal now.

P.S. Recommend me some other movies like this one and "Brokeback Mountain".

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How everything began

Well, it was in seventh grade when I was 13 years old.

At first I didn't give to much attention to that "new" feeling and with years it became more and more serious. I started to watch boys in other way (I mean on boys from my surrounding not my friends), I had fantasies with some cute guy in bus for example. Culmination of all this stunned me in second grade of high school when I fell in love (I think).

At first THAT boy was just cute to me, and slowly I start noticing him more often and then I run mad about him. Sorry because I explain in this simple way, it's just because I need to get some confidence in this blog and its readers. I wish to stay anonymous and that is prime reason why at first I won't be so communicative here. That's same thing that happened with my diary, at first I was like this, shy. Slowly you'll see that I will start talking more and more. Now to go back to my gay/bi confusion. Simply said, I'm not hundred percent sure.

From now on I will call THAT boy D, because his first name starts with D.

Until next post.

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Fresh start

OK, this will be my first post.

Today is my first anniversary of recognition me as "different person" or should I say gay/bi person. I don't know how to classify myself, because I'm still confused, but we'll see what will happen with me through this blog.

I'm hoping that this blog will have some readers who will help me to direct my confusion.

Hello, I'm anonymous blogger and I'm 18 years old. Welcome to my blog!

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