My Life Update - part 3 (My Coming Out)

When living in a homophobic environment and when facing a lot of hatred toward gay people (even from your parents), it's not easy to come out to your parents. Especially if you know that one of them (your dad) is very narrow-minded person. Also, you are open person and it's hard for you to lie, and you feel alienated from your parents since you were a kid. For one period of your life you even thought that they are aliens cause you saw that they doesn't think like you. You feel like a stranger and that trip luckily doesn't last long, but of course it leaves a lot of influence on you in the future.

Even if you are obligated to lie them, cause you simply know that they won't understand, you still feel the need and the urge to tell them. After all, you are their own son and who can understand you better than your parents, who gave everything for you, who are still giving everything for you, cause you are their only child and you are their everything. And now you are between these two needs, to tell them or not to tell them. What choice to choose?

You can't leave it aside, you need to choose. You want to do both, but that is impossible, only one will be done, it's inevitable.

First one is leading you to slowly kill your relationship with your parents, cause you won't talk to them at all, and that conversation will be only basic conversation, nothing special, they won't know anything about you from making that choice in your mind and later on, you are going to lie them about yourself, about everything and anything, and one day you will leave, their heart will be broken, cause you left without explanation and you will always live with unbearable burden on your soul.

Second choice is riskier, harder choice, and it demands a lot of courage to do it. You are faced with your worst fears and simply, after taking this step, there's no going back. With first one you have the option to go back and try to fix things, the second one is the end. Either you get something from it, or you lose everything...

One night, a young guy lied in his bed and was staring into the ceiling, having a million thought running through his head. He has a lot of problems with his boyfriend. Something happened, something will happen, he knows that for sure. Chris is crazy, he will do something stupid. Mike is in danger. The boy doesn't know what to do to help himself and Mike. He needs to feel protected, he needs love and understanding, he needs understanding of his parents. They are older, maybe they can understand, maybe they know some reasonable solution, maybe they are there to finally understand him. And suddenly he’s experiencing some feeling he never felt before. It’s awful, awkward, strange feeling. He can’t explain it. All he knows is that it’s bad feeling, it doesn’t allow him to sleep and it makes him spin around in his bed with insomnia. He must do something, he mustn't sit aside and do nothing. He jumps out of bed and rushes inside his parents room. He wakes them up and he sees the face expression of his dad and he stops. “They won’t understand…” A simply thought runs throughout his head. They ask him what is wrong and he simply lies to them once more telling he was searching for his mobile cord, nothing special. He returns to bed.

“Okay, what was that? Are you insane? What are you doing?” he talks inside his head… He tries to fall asleep, but it doesn’t help at all. He still feels the weight of that problem and the weight of telling them everything. He doesn’t know what to do. For one second he is between decisions to turn around and tries to sleep or to tell them everything and finally stops his life full of lies, double identity toward his own parents. He jumps out of the bed again and walks again into parent’s room.

“I wasn’t searching for my mobile cord… I have something to tell you.”

***

He told them everything, from the moment he first felt something toward guys until the end. He told them how did he meet persons in person, what happened. He hoped that they will understand, and he sensed that in their voices and in mom's tears. It was a huge burden for him and finally he's revealing everything, he doesn't want to feel stranger anymore toward his parents. 
And then everything was fine. He thought that maybe his parents accept it. Everything was fine, and everything was seemed like it has a point. Even his mom told him: “I intended to ask you this by myself, but I didn’t know how…” and for the first time in his life he was truly happy. He had a perfect boyfriend, his parents was beginning to understand what have he been through and everything, like I said, was going into its place. Until one day…

One day his father returned from work and demanded from him to change, to help his mother and himself feel better, cause his mother will be sick knowing this. She doesn’t have peace after THE night and she can’t sleep, nor eat, nothing…

The young boy was hit with these words like thunder and from that moment on, until now it passed almost four months and since then the boy doesn’t have his peace. His boyfriend then cheated on him, and they broke up. He doesn’t care that much for school. He is hurt and disappointed with his parents, and he got disappointed with his boyfriend, even though he tried to be there for him, NO MATTER WHAT, after all. He loved him like he never loved anyone else.

And now, while he is writing this, he can’t concentrate and he can’t think clearly, so I’ll end this post. Now you know. I came out to my parents, and this is THE ONLY thing I regret in my life. I feel unstable and very sad, hurt and disappointed, by Mike, by my parents, by everyone. It hurts so much and there is so much sadness and so much burden on my soul.

I know that they love me, and that they will do anything for me, but because I know that they can’t understand me and feel what I feel, I feel like I’m disappointing them. It’s very funny, awkward and weird feeling. I know what is best, but I can't change myself, I tried, and we all know it's impossible.

Dunno what will happen next, wait and see...

I will stop now; I’m getting to emotional…

Thanks for reading and sorry because I this post maybe sounds confusing, cause I started like some story and finished like this, ordinary. I just wanted to finish with this post and that’s all. Hope you understand. And I’m waiting for your comments… I love you all, thanks for everything.

Also, I have million questions to answer, I’ll try to do that as soon as possible, I lost track of everything after breakup and after coming out to my parents. I told you a lot had happened, and a lot will happen.

Also, I'm very confused, cause everything happened so fast and I'm really really stressed with everything... Next post will explain what I'm planning and what are my fears. And there are a lot of new feelings, a lot of drama in the house, and simply I'm feeling like I'm gonna go crazy... I'm scared and alone (almost)... Dunno... Stay tuned and thanks one more time for reading...

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I have found my peace....

I can't believe... It is so weird, so funny, so strange, but still so AMAZING... I have found my peace with Mike and Chris and all feelings I had for Mike. Everything happened so fast. I was pissed, angry, I even hate him, but in the same time I loved him. I was angry at Chris too, and I was blinded by my feelings, and I was very pissed by just hearing his name... Now everything has come to an end...

Few days ago, well two days ago, I send Chris message and came to idea to try have some friendly relationship with him, cause I don't want to lose Mike... And I did and me and Chris talked (A LOT) over Skype and... I feel relieved and amazing after so much time of sadness and all the crazy things I did because of love. I even started to care for Chris, cause he really is a nice person, who suffered a lot. I always knew that, but I was implanted with the thought by Mike that he's kinda crazy and stuff like that. Also, I found my peace cause I realised that me and Mike will never work, I knew that earlier, but I didn't want to accept that, after seeing and meeting Chris, I feel relieved...

Also, it is not only because of Mike... I also wanted to meet Chris, cause first time Mike mentioned him was when we were going out (we weren't together) and he just mentioned something basic, and I was intrigued with his story and even then I wanted to meet him, and I noticed that Mike care for him. But then, things got out of control, Mike did what he did, Chris acted crazily and I was confused, I was pissed, I was disappointed, I was blinded, but now I was able to move on and to put all my bad feelings beside, cause I believe that every person has some story to tell, and I was able to listen to Chris and to put myself in his position and I think and I hope so that this will be okay from now on. It is my wish and my desire, cause I like to hang out with good people. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. And I don't want to limit myself to my selfish goals, maybe the reason why I did it was selfish, but I will never try to ruin Mike and Chris's relationship, as long as they are together, I'll be happy for them, cause I realised few things.

I'm MOVING ON

Also I think that Mike is maybe a pathological liar, and I need to rethink about this thought, which is strange, but still maybe it's only my imagination, but something feels weird. And also that he isn't aware of it. There's something strange about him. But I don't care about that too much right now, maybe I will find with time. I only know that I love him and that my love-love feelings are a LOT reduced, cause I finally have found my peace. And I will be there for him and from now on, I will be there for Chris, too. I want to know him better and to help them both. Sounds so strange and maybe like I'm playing with fire, and maybe it's hard to understand, but it is really like that... I mean that honestly.

I will try to write longer update soon, and I also have to answer a lot of questions and I still owe you the post about my life which will shock you all, and expect that in few days :) And I'm in the middle of exams, so be patient.

And also I think that I will be rich person when I write my book :) about my life and about all crazy things that happened in it... Can't wait... I even started to write first chapter :-)

Okay, that's all folks, for now... Stay tuned for next updates... :) See ya soon! Thanks for reading and have a nice day... I love you all!!!

P.S. I forgot to wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR. ALL THE BEST, HOPE THAT THIS NEW YEAR WILL BRING US SOMETHING SPECIAL... May it be better than last one... But nevertheless, I'm still grateful to everything that happened. :) I feel so happy and fulfilled :P

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Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYBODY. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST

Enjoy your holidays and your life... :)

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Reunion with Mike

This one will be quick post to get you guys updated and also not to make myself explain all this later when I decide to write again.

After almost 21 days without contact, and every day seemed like whole month to me, me and Mike started to hear from each other again. He is still with Chris. We hanged out a few days, I gave him the book (Higher & Higher), which was a huge relief to me cause I know that it will help him a lot, and we talked a lot. I felt kinda different, cause my aching heart was still very hurt, I couldn't look at him, I couldn't talk to him normally, cause I was hurt and I still am, kinda... We even talked about whole situation, but you need to be careful with him cause he's very unstable person, very bitter and very depressed because of everything that happened to him (parents, drugs, ex boyfriends, friends, his dreams...)

And than 4 days ago I called him and we had a regular talk over the phone and in the same time Chris called him, we needed to hang up, cause Chris will noticed the second call and make a scene and make a problem. Than Mike told me to call him when they finished and then he said that we need to break contact again, cause he doesn't want to lie Chris, and Chris's not stupid, he'll figure things out, and Mike also said that he doesn't want to lie to me either and stuff like that... And then we said "goodbye" once more, I wrote him again some pathetic message and that was it. He got the point that AGAIN after all I withdraw myself from them all because of Mike, cause I know that he's unstable and that he doesn't need any stress in his life, even though HE and only HE is to blame for all this problem. He hooked up with Chris, he cheated me, he made the problem, and I simply know that he will run away someday to his mother in foreign country, cause he's like that. When the stuff gets to much stressful, he'll disappear. Which is kinda normal for all human beings, but still I don't get why is he still with Chris, he says that he cares for him and stuff like that, and I understand that, but still why he doesn't want me there and why he doesn't want the relationship with me and three days before whole chaos everything was like in paradise.... He wanted a friendship with me (which is kinda impossible for me with all this feelings) and Chris made him break contact with me and he let him to stop our friendship and before that our relationship. Mike is to blame and both of them destroyed me, but I'm holding on okay. So, because I don't want to make him any more stressful and to save my mental health, I stepped away and I let them go for the second time. What a fool I am... But never mind...

Now I feel like I finally let it go, and this 6 days without meeting and 4 days without phone contact are kinda easier than the first 21 days from the last break. And while we got together again, I felt like I don't care that much, and he stabbed my heart for the third time (when he choose Chris for the third time over me) and I decided that I won't care anymore. He wants to be with Chris, so there you go, you are free now and go fuck yourself. Sorry for swearing, but I'm kinda pissed and I need to say that.

I don't want to be loser, poor and desperate person and to send you some pathetic messages which you won't even understand nor you will pay attention to them, cause you became a cold, bitter, self-destructing person. I wanted to help you and I still want to, but you choose Chris over me and I don't want to exist in your life anymore. You want to help him (to get him better and to feel accepted cause he's mentally insane and has difficult family life, but you will kill yourself mentally slowly like that and you will make even bigger problem for Chris later, if he gets too attached). There is always a way to go away from relationship like that, but instead of that you chose to be with him. So there you go, be with him, make yourself insane. This maybe sounds harsh, but I don't want to torture my heart anymore, I'll get over you. I also noticed that I feel better than I felt before and it's easier for me and I feel happy. I just don't want to see you for a very long time.

I returned to my hobbies and to my dreams, and I feel fur-fulled. I'm making some website and I'm all into design now, webhostings, digital art, photography, writing, reading and internet marketing. These are my goals for now, I enjoyed my time with Mike and I will never forget it, but now I need time for myself to recover from this mess. Also I would like to make some profit online and simply I want to live MY life without Mike. I don't need him anymore and that's the most amazing revelation I got in past 6 months...

I'm also planning to start blog in my own mother tongue to see reactions of people in my own country, right now I'm thinking about the domain name and soon, maybe even this "secret" blog will get .com domain ;). I would really like that... The blog will be probably about gay life in my country and all the subjects I think that is worth writing. Like that I will give my contribution to gay society and to gay people in my country and in the world.

I'm also saving money for a professional digital camera :) and I can't wait to start with photography...

Thank you all for your support and for reading...
P.S. Also, to wayner and all of you who are wondering about my education. My education is doing great, I'm almost at the end of third semester and I'm student with "okayish" grades. Of course, I was distracted by whole situation, but my final exams (for this semester) are going to begin in January so I have time to study and to replenish my knowledge... And almost two months I didn't study at all, but I woke up from a dream and I'm back to reality... See ya in the next post :)

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Class with S.

LOL, today I had an English class, and like I said last year, I so badly wanted to be same group with S. and I wasn't, he was group A, and I was group C... That was last year, but this year, as a second year of learning English, we are in the same group and in recent days we have a lot of contacts, we even walked together home few times and talked.... He is really good guy and kinda interesting, but I don't know him that much.

So today, well, this evening, it was amazing and funny cause he sat next to me cause his usual seat was taken, it was so random and unexpected. We were joking, writing together, making jokes on professor's British accent and so on, it was nice and I was so fucking deconcentrated and I was trying not to look at him that much and he was so fucking close. And yeah, he really has a bit cross-eyes... which is kinda strange, but I wouldn't make big deal out of it cause he's soooooooo fucking hot and stunning....

Okay that was a small update... Enjoy your day and thanks for reading, more bigger and better posts coming soon.

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My life update - part 2 (The Reasons)

Yesterday I heard with Mike, it was our first contact after 7 day time while we were forced by his new "boyfriend" not to have any contact at all. It was really hard period for me cause we put at end every contact we had and before that we were in contact every single day from the day we met (and that's about April 28th), one day didn't pass without a message, call, Facebook contact, Windows Live Messenger chat etc... I felt this past 7 days like a whole fucking year.

And then a few days ago I bought one book which is titled "Higher & Higher" and immediately after seeing that book in the shelf in bookstore, I thought about Mike and his problems, so I needed to buy it. It's book about drugs and how to get recovered from them. I've been reading it since then and I almost read it, only few pages left and these two days while I was reading it I was under need to send Mike a message cause I know that this book will sure help him. In every single sentence I found him. I know that he wishes for us not to have contact, cause he is in a very difficult situation with his new "boyfriend" (Chris's bit unstable, crazy and has a lot of problems with his behaviour so he simply "forces" Mike to do something against his will and Mike falls for his tricks only because he cares about him and feels sorry for him, I know that, and I can't do anything against that)... So I ignored that feeling and even thought to put somehow that book under Mike's door or something, or give him through Emma or something, write him a message on Facebook, dunno. I had a million ideas, and then I decided to wait, and to reread the book as many times as I need to, to understand everything, so I can help him even more when he's back, even though I didn't know that he will be back.

And then yesterday, I was really unstable with my feelings and thoughts all considering him, the situation, our break-up, the book and everything considering him, so I wanted a bit lonely time, I was like studying but it didn't work, it wasn't so late so I decided to go out all by myself. I entered a bus and had a random drive throughout a city... I was at a place where one of Mike's friend work and then I passed almost near Mike's neighbourhood, and always holding that book and my "after break-up notebook" (where I wrote my thoughts after break up and all my letters to Mike, imaginative and real ones) close to me, in my jacket... I was simply calling destiny to join us once again, to talk to him, to see if he's okay, to tell him about a book. After chilling my mind by a long bus drive and a long walk, I decided that it's time to go home, and it was really getting late. I entered the last bus that is going to my neighbourhood and then I got message. Because on my small road that night me and Lucy were texting each other about going out in the neighbourhood that night, I supposed that it was her. That was the first time ever I didn't hope that the message is from Mike, and then after taking my phone out of pocket I saw his name on the screen. I was shocked... Truly shocked... It was unbelievable.

He simply wrote: "I needed to send you a message to see are you okay... and what's up?"

Simple, but really dear and really hit me like thunder. I almost cried, dunno why. But I needed to hold my tears cause there were a lot of people around me, so I just hold book in one hand, phone in another and stared in one dot, somewhere between his words "are you okay" and three dots he put there...

I wrote him back: "I'm in my bus, I was taking a walk in the city, I needed that and now I'm reading a REALLY AMAZING book in the bus... How are you?"

And then he told me that he isn't that good, he has mood changes and stuff like that, he's still handling situation with Chris and stuff like that, so I asked is it okay to call him. And I called him. We were talking a lot, I read him some part of a book and he was SHOCKED, cause he always think that no one understands him and I simply knew it that he will like this book. We talked again after me getting back home until 2 AM and I was glad to hear his voice, to see that he's at least a bit okay, and that he's still alive... I'm going through hell, believe me... And then after we hang up... I started thinking again, being pissed off at him and being deep down in love with him, understanding him, trying to understand him, all in the same time... Strange feelings. I couldn't fall asleep until 7 AM and I that was really emotional stress for me...

Now, one more day and a few hours passed without a contact from him... I feel sad and bit depressed... Funny strange feeling, like I'm empty and dunno, like some shell, and I know that I can't make the first move (I made them a million times in the past just for the record) because his boyfriend will make him a huge problem, cause he's really crazy (he takes some anti-depression pills and goes to psychiatrist and he has a mental illness history in his family)... And for him being with Mike is everything. I got his twisted idea and that's why I leave them both aside and allowed Mike to help him, cause he really cares about Chris. But, like I said, Mike is really cold and bitter person, still with a million problems on his own and I simply know that problem like Chris will make him feel even worse. He's also unstable, very unstable. I won't handle if anything happens to Mike... I wanted to help him, I struggled two fucking months with my feelings after break up and I tried not to look at developing of their relationship, I tried not to hear Mike voice when speaking with Chris on the phone, I tried to understand Mike and Chris, and why we broke up, I tried to be there for him, even though he left me for Chris and even though I know that he has feelings for Chris. I tried not to notice that, and every single detail I just mentioned left a HUGE scar on my already broken heart. And then it came a day when Chris made Mike to break every contact with me. I respected Mike's wish not to send him a message nor to call him nor anything, cause I know that it will make a huge problem with Chris.

I'm having the worst experience ever, believe me. I'm totally broken... I will put one song. This one song was shown to me by Mike and since then I listen it like million times a day... The words are really piercing (especially the first two strophes)!!!

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Surprising guy at dating site

Yesterday (well, it's more today early morning cause I was staying awake late), while chatting online and hanging out at THE gay dating site I received a message from some guy which really surprised me, and that guy kinda "forced" me to think about him the whole day...

In my profile I put a lot of I WANT and I DON'T WANT, cause the people there are looking only for one thing and that's sex. Cause I don't have any other option to find someone, you need to be bit harsh and rough. And then I got this message (cause I said I don't want the person who lies):

If someone asks you: "Are you gay?", and you say that you aren't, then aren't you the one who is a liar? ;)

Very clever question and simply when I read it, I was surprised, cause I saw immediately that behind that sentence lies a very smart, mature and open-minded brain. Of course I got interested.

And after that I replied with a very long message explaining that I will lie only if I don't feel comfortable to tell that person, and that it would be a white lie, only to protect myself and the rest of people who know about me, cause it's not safe to tell everybody that you are gay, it can affect a lot of people (not just you). Than we progressed in section where he suspects my "accepting myself" and I simply was astonished with guy and his way of thinking, so open minded and so great. He was totally different from everybody there, and then I looked at his profile and I was surprised how cute he is and how popular he is, he has about 60.000 profile views...

Very mysterious and amazing person. With one word, surprising and fresh, yeah, fresh, that's the best adjective I could think off right now, he really gave me some belief in this gay world... I think I started to feel bit bitter like Mike :(

And it was late, we started talking about a lot of subjects, I can't tell you yet which ones, cause I first need to blog about them, but you will find out soon... And simply I couldn't stop, but we needed to go, cause I was waking up early and he had to work. I can't wait to talk to him tonight... :)
P.S. OMG, while I was typing this post, that person came online at that dating site, what a coincidence :P

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My life update – part 1

Let’s start. It’s about 8 PM right now.

I’m sitting here in this coffee shop, drinking my tea, looking around and watching these people. I feel like a stranger, cause really I’m a stranger. And not only because I'm "different", I simply feel like a stranger, when speaking mentally, I don’t connect with the most of these people here cause I think I’m misunderstood. It’s very fancy coffee shop and I can say very discreet and beautiful, small place where you can sit and enjoy your lonely time.

My friends from University just left to attend some scholar activities which includes singing and stuff like that, so I'm left here alone. I didn't go to my English class cause I really wanted a bit time to be alone and to write my blog. In past few days/weeks I was looking for loneliness cause I really need it, to clear my thoughts and to simply be alone, it’s my way to make it through. Me and Mike broke up and it really was hard for me, as far almost the hardest thing in my life. He hurt me on the most unbelievable way you can imagine and of course I didn’t expect it, I gave him everything and I expected (of course with caution) a lot from him, but still I was cautious, and thank God, but I’m mentally very strong or I would go mad by now. My heart is broken and I'm still emotionally stressed to write about this right now (at least to write about everything). With time you'll get the whole picture of the whole breakup, I think. It really is too complicated to explain it in just a few words. I got disappointed and not just by him, but with whole gay society here in my country. I can't describe it with any other adjective but "disgusting", in every meaning of that word. And I even have fears that anywhere in the world the situation is almost same or at least similar to this one.

Even in this coffee shop there was a few gay people, you can really tell that they are gay and I had noticed them a lot in this coffee shop, it's very near my department of University and there're really a lot of cute guys, too, to be honest, but of course, you can’t openly approach them, well, you can, but, honestly, I don’t have that much guts to do that. It isn’t dangerous (so you won’t get the wrong picture over my society), nor the people will do anything bad about that, but I think that I wouldn’t be able to handle the looks, the stare when everybody is looking at you and they simply know.

But even writing this is kinda risky, cause I feel that someone will read the words "gay" but I'm in a corner and no one can look at my screen, so it's safe. My city has about 2 million citizens, but still, it feels like really small city and if this guy next to me sees anything, who knows who knows him and to whom he can tell. And also, who knows will I even meet him in the future, cause like I said, I’m very social and maybe I can even meet him in some club. Sounds bit paranoid, but believe me, here, people talks a lot and you simply can’t know to who you can trust. And like I said, the world is really small, believe me. And the less people know about me, the better.

What can I tell you more? Oh, I didn't hear with Mike in 5 days. I'm only glad to see that he's alright and alive by his Facebook statuses and seeing him online at THE online gay dating site. I didn't see him in 7 days and I feel very strange about that thought. I miss him so very fucking much. But I need to stay away, because he will have a lot of problems with his new/old boyfriend. Also, I noticed that I can handle not to see him, even I’m used to him a lot, which is also strange. I thought that it will be even harder. It is hard, but not THAT hard. I have a lot of GOOD friends and the people who worth next to me and a lot of other activities who make me not to think about him and I'm grateful for that, even though it sounds bit harsh, and from this you can see that I'm bit mad at Mike, with reason, believe me...

We broke up almost three months ago and since then I tried to be there for him, cause he still has a lot of problems considering his parents, drugs, money and psychical state of his mind. Even though he hurt me like no one hurt me before, I still was there for him, and I wanted to do anything for him, but simply it's impossible to have me and to have Chris, his new boyfriend. And it’s simply impossible for me to be there with him, cause I’m still in love with him, and to watch how he is building his relationship with Chris, even though that I know that he won’t get attached to Chris that much, cause he’s cold, disappointed person, and he doesn’t trusts people that much anymore. He got disappointed first with his parents and family (which is serious thing), then with gays, then with friends and he became bitter, disappointed person. I sensed that in him and with joy (yeah, I know that it will sound egocentric, but simply it is true and everybody says that) I can tell that I brought him back a very tiny little bit and I’m so glad because of that, that’s why I wanted to stay next to him no matter what. He is really a great person, but still hidden deep down behind that bitter, disappointed, cold shell.

Oh my God, my thoughts are so confusing even for me, there’s so much I need to tell you and I simply don’t have time to tell you everything, so I will try to write and to tell the most important stuff and I hope that you will get the whole picture from it.

Okay, with this I’ll try to finish my post. One more thing, cause I’m a lot behind answering my questions on formspring.me, I will add one question to every new post I make (and now I know that there will be a lot of posts in future times).

==== ASK ME ANYTHING PART ====
First unanswered question was some questions asked 6 months ago (somewhere in June or May I think):

Have you any plans for summer holidays? And will you go with Mike or rather alone (I mean with parents maybe or something)?

My previous answer while I was writing new blog post few months ago (while I was still with Mike and I didn’t managed to publish it) was: I had a lot of plans for summer, I planned to go somewhere abroad to work for a bit until the summer holiday is finished, and to make some money and to finally buy professional camera, but I couldn’t cause I was visited with some cousins and I couldn’t find anyone from my friends to go with me, so the whole summer time I stayed at my current city and enjoyed and developed my relationship with Mike.

My current answer is: SAME :) and plans for next summer are similar. I was planning to go somewhere together with Mike, but now that goal is kinda impossible, even though we also planned to go somewhere together as “friends” after we broke up. We wanted to work in a foreign country and to enjoy some other culture and another way of living, maybe a bit openly than this one. Who knows what will happen, but I will tend to accomplish my goal, I’m even applying for some agency that offers that kind jobs, and even Au Pair, if you know what is that. If you don’t know, please find out here. We’ll see. I simply won’t go with parents nowhere, we never go anywhere together, cause they are kinda old, maybe for a few days with mom to visit my aunt. Also, there’s option to go with my best friends from neighbourhood, for a few days of one week at the seaside. That’s all about my next summer.

OK, that’s all for now, thanks for reading, enjoy your day, and expect next post in couple of days or even in a couple of hours with all new details and happenings. You won’t get bored believe me.

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Long time no see

Hello everybody, I missed you all very very much. I'm so glad to see that my blog is still followed and that I still have some visits. I'm so so sorry because I didn't updated in a very long time, I simply didn't have the need nor urge nor inspiration to write anything down, but now I want to update you with my life and to continue reading about yours (people who I'm following). A lot had happened and I experienced a huge amount of happenings in past six months. I can with certainty tell you that this period was my life changing period. You'll all see why...

From now on, the blog is again active, and now I have urge to write almost every day... Can't wait to start, I'll start tomorrow, right now I'm in my bed, ready to go to sleep, and tomorrow in coffee shop, you'll get the first post after long break (I don't know exactly how much have passed, but for me it feels like ages, dunno why)...

Thank you so much, to everybody who are reading these lines, it means a world to me...

Sincerely,
Your's B.

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Two Month Update

It's been a long time. So much to tell you, so much to write and so much to relive again. I won't explain why I didn't write in such a long time, and it really doesn't matter, now I wish only to update my readers and this blog with my life and everything what happened during the period while I wasn't writing...

First things first, I wish to inform you that I'm still happy and that I'm still in a relationship with Mike. We are now almost three months together and it's been happy and the most amazing three months of my life... And I really mean this.

Second most important thing is that I finally found myself, considering sexuality, and now I openly can say that I'm a happy gay man and I'm PROUD of that, more than you can imagine. I thought that I'm bisexual cause in my country I've been taught that homosexuality is wrong, and it's not that accepted here, so for my brain and for me it was easier to accept me as a bisexual man, but after experiencing a lot of stuff I have experienced until now, you realise that you can't imagine youself doing that with a woman. And I decided that I won't label myself, for now I'm gay, and if it happens that I fall in love with woman than it's destiny and it's meant to be, I won't pressure myself about anything... For now, I'm happy with a man, a great man and I'm living almost the life I want to live.

After kissing a man and after hugging, cuddling, going out, hanging out, taking, watching his eyes, talking his hand, feeling his body next to me, I realised that I can't imagine myself doing that with a woman. I think that I will be capable to have sex with a woman, I can kiss them, I can do anything with them, but I and only I won't be furfilled inside. I had many woman in my life, I kissed a lot, and I really have a great straight reputation, but after kissing a guy, you realise that this is it, I felt different, and it was so amazing, so different and so RIGHT. I simply don't feel exaclty furfilled when I'm with a woman. It's so much better when you are with a guy, especially with a guy like Mike. I swear, if you see him one day, it will be on some newspaper magazine as some model. He's so hot and so cute and beautiful. And a lot of people say that he looks like Jay Sean, which is true and I will put the song in which they really look alike, all the moves, the face expressions and looks, simply the same. Even the style and everything. And I like to say to Mike that he doesn't look like Jay Sean... Jay Sean looks like Mike :)))

I simply don't know how that kind of guy fall for me. It's not like I don't have some good opinion about myself, but I always liked to be modest and imperceptible... A lot of people say I'm beautiful, cute and stuff like that, but simply, I don' (honestly) have that kind opinion about me, and while I'm with Mike, and while he says some stuff, that's slowly changing and I'm so glad because of that. I'm not egocentric, I'm just being realistic and to have a bit of selfconfidence is not that bad.

Ok, now where to start. It’s so hard. I don’t even know what I should write first. After and during my exams, and that was the whole June, we hanged out a lot, cause he’s usually free and doesn’t have obligations, long story and I’m not ready to talk about his personal life yet. Then, after my exams, my other apartment, which me and my family rent, was empty, cause the people who have lived there moved. So I took a chance and took the keys and moved there with Mike for a few days, and explanation to my parents was that I want to experience living by myself alone for a few day. And it was AMAZING. We were like 24 hours a day together. Living together, cuddling, watching movies, talking, making music, joking, making popcorns, making out, kissing, making love :-P and so much more. It was so nice that I can’t really express how much I enjoyed all that.

We don’t fight that much, I don’t know is that good or bad thing, cause you know, people in a relationship usually fight... I’m really easy tempered and really flexible he’s kinda short-tempered but I know how to tell him some stuff without making him pissed off and we both are getting used to that. We had our first fight, and we solved it soon after it arose. It was serious stuff, but we solved it on really adult way, cause it was his fault and he admit his mistake. He has huge problems considering his family and I tend to oppress him as lowest as possible and of course, trying to help him.

Enough about that. Now, you probably want to hear about us making love. It wasn’t only sex, it was an amazing feeling and amazing experience. I don’t know would I be able to do THE thing on any other way (by this I mean, if some emotions are not involved, I don’t know would I be capable of having sex with someone I don’t like or having sex no strings attached, and in Mike’s case – love). Yeah, about a few week ago, I realised I really love him, and now I'm searching for a way to tell him that. He's kinda difficult for that, and that is also a long story, so I won't torture myself writing about that yet, I'll take it slow.

We tried everything. I was bottom, he was bottom, he orally satisfied me and I orally satisfied him (and man, he does that so amazing) and this time I really enjoy it. He turns me on like no one before him and he says that I turn him on also, I don’t know how much, but I know and I feel I do :-P And he's such a GREAT kisser. :)

Now - outing part. He met May and she liked him so so so much and Mike liked her and he was amazed how she's so normal and thinks so normally about our relationship. He told his best friend and his best friend (it’s a girl) is now my alibi for my friends. She’s like my girlfriend, and when I’m with Mike, for my friends I’m with (oh, shit I need to think of a name, okay, let’s call her – Emma), so when I'm with Mike I'm "with" Emma. Okay, so for my friends who don’t know about my sexuality I’m with her, dating her, and even for my parents, I told them so I can easy go to the downtown without being asked the strangest questions you will even hear. But later, cause me and Mike has a strange schedule, they are having a lot of me-not-liking-that-girl, typical parents, so I think that I will soon break-up with Emma (hypoteticly for my friends so they won't bore me that much about meeting her and my parents won't be that against her), and from that moment, whenever I go in city and outside I will go with some friends or with a friend (referring to Mike). It will be so much more easier, cause my parents are sometimes really hard and complicated, and now I live for day when I will move. I know that this is kinda harsh, but it’s so much psychical pressure on me.

And now, about telling friends. After realizing that I’m gay I decided to tell a few more friends, close friends. Right now, May isn’t the only one who knows. First, I told one of my best friends, we’ll call him David. Well, I have never had a chance to write about my childhood friends, and I should have done that long time ago, cause they are a huge and really important part of my life and I have started a post million times, but I have never finished it. So, now you’ll meet a few of them, but it will be very brief and not full with details, because our relationship is so complex and so long. For example, I know David for 12 years, which is a very long time. By the way, that childhood friends are from neighbourhood. We went to the same school (Elementary) together, and with one of them I went to a same high school.

One night, me and my friends from childhood and neighbourhood were hanging out at a friend’s house (he was home alone). Our neighbourhood circle of friends count 8 people, 9 with me and we usually hang out during night, after school and all day obligations, talking, chilling and just having fun. I love them so much and we are so much different, but still we are great friends, and I’m so thankful to God because I have them. They mean to me a lot. I have been thinking a lot about telling them, cause I feel all the time like lying to them about myself. Cause, this feelings I have is simply ME, and no one can change that and if I want to have honest and more better relationship with them, I would really like to tell them everything and I would really like them to understand and to accept me like this. So, I won’t talk about them individually, only few details about David. 

All in all, I don’t think that most of them won’t understand this, cause they didn’t reach that level of maturity. I don’t say for myself that I’m so much mature, but simply, when you know someone for 12 years, you know how someone is thinking and you know everything about them. His/her moves, thoughts, behavior, desires, fears, weakness, thoughts about homosexuality etc. So, to a lot of them I can’t tell YET, but I will when I feel the right moment and when I feel that they have open mind for that. Maybe they won't understand that in the start, but after I explain how I felt and what I have experienced, they will.

Ok, let’s get back to David. Oh, and one more fact. We are always together, as a circle of friends, we don’t have two and two who are closer, we are all close. So, it’s really rare to be alone with David or any other and that night we were. It was late and me and him walked home, while the rest of friends stayed in the house of that home alone friend. And after talking to him (just 2 minutes after leaving the house) – I simply felt it, I can tell David. And I wanted to tell him. And I felt so nervous, like never before.

We walked and I asked him: “David, if I told you something and if I ask from you not to tell anyone (meaning our circle of friends), will you do that for me”? David is so good person and he simply can’t refuse someone, and cause I know that me being gay is not even on the corner of his mind, I knew it that he thought about something totally different and totally not-that-serious. Then he said: “I hate when you all do that to me, but okay, tell me, I won’t tell, but I will try later to convince you to tell others.” Then we started to walk around the neighbourhood and I started to talk about something that I have been living my whole life and that it started around when we were seventh grade and blah blah blah. And then I said that maybe it’s better that I don’t tell him but then he persisted and was really interested when I mentioned seventh grade, cause it started long time ago. And then I after few more riddles and two-meaning stories I told him: “Listen, I’m in this relationship almost a month, not two weeks… and Maria (I told them that the girl name is Maria, back then I didn’t have plan with Emma yet) doesn’t exist, but there is someone else…”

And then he realised, he’s so smart and was like: “Wait, wait wait wait wait, you want to tell me that you are… wait wait wait wait wait wait…. you mean, like… g… wait wait wait wait… like g... g... gay.” And I simply said: “Yes.” And then he was shocked… And I started talking immediately and explain him what have I did since I realised and a lot of stuff that was strange for them finally got sense. Like when I end up in hospital when I drink too much and that was only cause D. was next to me and I was drinking with him, and later both me and D. end up in hospital (it was almost three years ago) or when I run away on some party to meet up with Mike, or my strange behaviour when we were at the seaside last year. And his first reaction after wait wait wait was: "That's so messed up because of your parents and living life... It will be so hard... Having kids and stuff like that..." He's such a good friend. And he immediately agreed not telling others YET :) He realised that THIS is serious.

And then our conversation progressed until 5 AM (and we left friend house about 2 AM), and we simply talked and talked and I was really stunned with his reaction, cause I expected his rejection and he took this really good. I talked him about Mike, about V. and about this (meaning homosexuality) being NORMAL and about everything and finally for the first time in my whole life, I felt so relieved and so amazing toward David, I felt totally open and totally like he’s my REAL friend, and because of moments like this I’m grateful for having them in my life. And then, after releasing that we need to go home, and when we were ending our conversation, I asked him my fear: “Well, and now don’t be afraid if I touch you or anything, you know, I have never watched any of you on THAT way, I'm still me…” And he was: “OMG, B. are you crazy… I know you my whole life… See…” and he touched me and I smiled and realised how stupid my conclusion was.

But, you know here in my country, a lot of people are so homophobic, that probably they would not even want someone gay touch them.

And then I asked him did he ever had thoughts like this in his entire life and he said: "No." so that was the last puzzle in accepting my homosexuality, it's not a phase, it's only me. I felt free, and right now I feel so free and finally AMAZING about myself.

Then, tomorrow morning, Mike was visiting me and I told him about telling David and later I even called David to come to meet Mike and Mike was surprised how good he was and how good he accepted all this and I felt amazing.

After that, me and David were going a few times over at Emma’s house to hang out with Mike and Emma and David asked me a lot of questions and he really took this GREAT and I'm so glad because of this. I was honest for the first time in my life toward him and that feeling also felt amazing, cause I knew from moment I came out to him that I can tell him anything and not be afraid… 

And oh yeah, after Mike told Emma about him, she also told him about an affair going on between her and her best friend, Jessica. She told him that she don’t feel lesbian and she’s not attracted by other women, only by Jessica and they really have something SPECIAL. And Jessica found about us (Emma told her, which I understand, but that pissed Mike a bit) and we even went to a party together at Jessica’s house. And there is so many details I would like to tell you right now, but Mike is maybe coming over soon to hang a bit and it’s kinda bit hard to write so much details in English, so I’ll stop now and I will write the second part soon, about telling two of my girl friends from the same circle of friends. And that happened not that long ago.

And one more thing for the end. I decided that I will tell my parents for sure one day, cause I don’t want to hurt them not knowing why I left home one day, but that day will be after I gain my full financial independency, which will be I hope and think in about 4-5 years. I have big plans about going from my country and I will tend to fulfill that wishes and dreams.

Thanks for reading and see you soon. Hope you enjoyed. I missed you all, my readers, my blog, my online friends and my blogosphere… 

Feel free to ask me more questions HERE, more detailed questions about all this past period while I was away, cause I don’t know exactly what interest you, so if you want to ask anything and I mean ANYTHING, please ask, so I will answer all my not answered questions from Ask Me Anything and new one soon.

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Answers to Questions: MAY

Q: So if size doesn't matter, care to tell how big your (penis) size is? ;-) In inches and cm. Of course you're not obligated to actually answer this, lol.

A: This was really unusal question, but I will answer it... It was asked at the beginning of May and I needed to take my measure and I really didn't do that in a while... So, I measured it today and it's 17 cm long, which is around 6,6929 inches if my convertor on mobile phone is correct. I hope that you are satisfied :)

Q: Could you say me, I mean us what is that name of this date site, 'cause I see, there're ordinary ppl too(I mean that they arent talking ab wanking etc.) Thx ;)

A: Okay, I will tell you... The site where I met Mike and other guys I talked and I wrote at my blog is called Gay Romeo... and the URL is www.gayromeo.com... Go, visit them, it's nice site and I really met some nice people over there... But also, beware, there is a lot of creepy people and a lot of people who are talking about wanking and fucking and stuff, but there is "normal" people too, I mean, the ones who want something more, not only quick sex. You won't find me there anymore, lol, I deleted my profile, well, me and Mike deleted both profiles... :P

Q: Do you prefer being a top or a bottom and why?

A: I have never tried neither, so I can't really tell... But I would like to try both, why not, I can imagine myself in both position. And I know that Mike would also try both and that's so sweet and nice and I don't want to be strictly top nor bottom, I would like to be both. That's what being gay is all about :P

Q: Have you made love to Mike yet? If not, when is the big day coming?

A: No, I haven't made love with him yet :)... It's bit complicated, cause he's never alone at home and we can't relax enough to try it, and neither am I, I mean, home alone, only for few hours, which is not enough, cause we want to be relaxed and to spent whole day in each others arms :D... And our relationship is really starting to be amazing and so beautiful. When we come to this sex part, I simply KNOW that it will be so special and so nice and so "with love" :) it won't be just sex, it will be "making love" and I can't imagine it being the other way, I don't like meaningless sex... We aren't rushing things, and that's what I like about this relationship the most... We are taking spontanious and slowly and that's the best way for being in relationship. So, the answer to the second part of this question is: I don't know when the big day is coming, but I know that it will be soon, probably, we aren't planning anything... And when it happens, you will be informed, no worries ;)

That's all for now, thanks for reading... Feel free to ask more questions here: ASK ME ANYTHING... I will gladly answer them... I will try to make another post today to fill you up with more details happening in my life in these past few days...

Take care,

B.

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