Holiday, Girls, School and Dream about D

Yesterday I was in travel agency and I booked my flight to some island for the summer. I will go to some island in Europe. Well, never mind that, I’m going at that island with some friends and I will use that time to relax, to find out am I gay or bi or sraight or I don’t know what :) I’m going to go there somewhere at the end of July and the beginning of August and I’ll be on island for about 10 days. I can't wait. Simply, I feel that it will be awesome time... :)))

I god an A on biology test and I’m finish with biology, I won’t have biology never again in my life :( cause soon the high school will be over. I also got an A on first part of test in philosophy, the second part is somewhere in May. But I like philosophy, so that’s not a problem.

Soon, as I said, I’ll finish school and went to university, I already applied for one, and I will have enrolling test somewhere in June, so I will know will I be there or somewhere else. I can’t wait. I’m bit sad, cause I won’t see my classmates so often as now, but what can I do, that’s life. I will do my best to stay in contact with a few of them, the ones who mean a lot to me. If it is/was true friendship, it will last, in other way, it won’t and I must accept that as it is. Life is sometimes hard, but what the hack. I’m always optimistic :)

Now, a few words about sexuality part. I’ve noticed that I’m right now in some straight phase. I notice girls more than boys right now, and the most surprising part is that I think that I feel something about my classmate (girl classmate). I had never watched her on that way, but now, I don’t know is it because of that we are leaving, or I don’t know what else, but she looks kinda cute to me. We were together for one time, but it was one night thing only and it was while we were drunk at some party, but I must admit that from that night, I didn’t look at her on the same way. We are quite good friends, and we even make jokes about that night, but something is different and I can feel that she feels the same, or maybe I’m wrong. We’ll see.

Oh, yeah I almost forgot. I had a dream about her last night. To be honest, I had several dreams just in one night o_0. It was really scary. First some nightmare, then some party dream where I even dreamed of D. And that mustn’t happen again, it simply can’t! And the weirdest thing of all is that he was in exactly same shirt today as in my dream.

Thanks for reading,

Read More

Party, cuties and a DREAM

Party was nice, nothing special. There were a lot of my friends and I had a good time, but still nothing special. I was bit drunk and I must admit that I enjoyed a lot in that. Also I must admit one more thing. I love to dance with girls when I'm drunk, like that I don't watch boys so much, even dough there were a lot of hot boys. I love to party in my city, our city is very famous about that and the parties are just crazy. I have finally unstressed myself after 3 months :) But as I said it was nothing special, there were too many people, very crowded, but as I said I was bit drunk so I didn't care :)

The next interesting thing happened yesterday while I was downtown. While traveling to the downtown by bus, I saw one hot guy and he stared at me a lot. I must admit that I was embarrassed a bit because it was uncomfortable, he stared a lot, I could feel his eyes on me, and I just notice that, I didn't have a time to stare at him back, because I'm acting straight, so I held my view down or outside the window. But he was really hot.

And then when I was coming back to the place where I live, I also saw another guy who also starred at me and when I took off the bus, I saw that he even turned his head to see me again o_0. He was also hot, even hotter that the first one and I could even stare at him (of course, I stare when he was looking through the window). Two times in one day. WTF? I don't know did I have something on me or what. I was normal, like any other day when I go to the downtown. I was very surprised, and if I'm 'out' I could even date with these two guys. Well, the first one was bit skinny, but the second one was just perfect, but he was about 24-28 years old.

And now, when I went to bed and when I woke up, I was totally surprised by what I have dreamed. It was so real and the picture of dream isn't blurring at all. I remember it all, even the details.

First, I went into some apartment and there I was at some gay party. I was invited, dunno by whom. It was kinda weird and I know that I was so scared, cause I am still closeted, but I somehow knew that no one will recognize me, and I felt somehow invisible - I just watched party while sitting and drinking on some sofa. I didn't make out with anybody, but I watched some guys having sex in the bathroom, I think. OK that's bit blurry :)

And then, I don't know how it happened (you know that happenings in dreams are fast, not so real and always confusing after you woke up, but while you dream, it seems completely normal). Ok, I don't know how it happened, but I think that some guy was killed (I didn't know who, I just noticed that everyone was running and screaming) and then police came in the blink of an eye. This was the moment which scared a shit in me. They put all the party people into one room and held some press-conference. So fast o_0... I somehow wasn't put into the room, I tried to go out but the police was on the front door and I was just thinking that this will be in newspaper, everyone will know that I was at some gay party and that I'm 'different', my life is over, what will my parents say, what will happen with me. But still, one part of my body told me that it's not so bad. I don't know how, I wasn't that scared; I was just scared for one moment. Maybe I was aware that I was dreaming. Then I took courage to ask the person who was leading the press-conference. She was some blond woman from some TV show and I wasn't so surprised about her (well I was when I woke up)...

I asked: "Can I go home?" She simply said, while putting a hand over the microphone: "Of course you can" and nodded with her head. What is the chance that she will let someone go home and the murdered just happened? I was so happy that I can go home. When I was going to the front door, the police from the door was gone. And then the most surprising thing happened. Near the front door there were two of my friends from school, girl friends. They were not surprised for seeing me; they just went with me down stairs. I also felt fear for one moment, but after seeing them acting normal, I wasn't so scared. They didn't ask me anything and we went out of the building and I even know where that building was (in real life). It is somewhere in the city, near the center. We ran through the city and then, I don't know what happened, it's blurry and I don't know what was the moment when I woke up, but I know that I remembered a dream very well like you can see. I just can tell you that I was so relieved when I woke up and realize that it was only a dream.....

Read More

Mobile blogging and the party

I've just read all of my previous posts to keep a truck of what I have written until now and I decide to try something new with this blog, well it isn't so new, I used mobile blogging before. With mobile blogging I will make (I think) this blog more interesting and more up to date. And it's very easy, you just need to send message to some email address and that's all. The post will be published immediately. It's amazing. But just for the record, I won't stop using computer; I will blog from mobile and from computer from now on.

Tonight I'm going to some party with some friends. Can't wait cause I didn't party for quite some time. This will be my first club party after 3 months of 'relaxing' :)

Thanks for reading. See ya tomorrow with updates from the party.

Read More

First post again :)

It's great to be back. I re-added several blogs, which I were subscribed earlier, to my RSS feed and I feel really excited. I love to read all about other guys and it helps me a lot. First - because I feel accepted and not so different after all. Second because a lot of other guys are thinking like I do or think very similar.

I love to blog, but the reason why I don't keep this one up-to-date is because of my English. I need to think hard to write in English, but I hope that it will be better and better. But the point is that I'm improving it every day.

Just because of this reason please know that while I'm typing, maybe I didn't meant something that is written, or I didn't have words to say what I intended to say.

Oh, now I read my previous posts and I noticed that I never write what happened with my "love" with D.

Lol, D. is part of my past. He's very egocentric as I said in some post; he's jerk with all adjectives considering that word. I don't know why I liked him so much, he is sexy and cute but he's an idiot.

I'm moving on... After him, like I said I was confused with my sexuality, cause I never tried anything with some boy and I asked myself: 'How can I know am I really gay or not?' When I watch porn or some nude pictures or men's bodies, they really turn me on, but the porns, the pictures and the bodies of girls does that too. That's why I categorize myself as bisexual, but after him I wasn't sure. I don't know was I blinded by him or what, but I felt gayer when I had crush on him. Now I feel straighter :) (I don't even know does this adjective exist in English), and I'm not having crush on any girl right now. There're a lot of cuties around me, male and female, but I've never been attracted to any guy before as I was attracted by D. YET! I'm opened for new challenges and for the new pain :) from boys and from girls :)...

You don't know how much I would like to try something out with some boy, just to be sure is it same as with girls. Maybe I will have chance during summer time, cause I'm going on some island with some friends. Well, that's small problem, cause no one knows about my sexuality, but I will try my best in hiding this potential adventure with some boy. It will be secret and with that fact it will be even more interesting :) I'm adventurer, just for the record.

In my life right now there's nothing special at all. It's all about school and I'm senior year and I can't wait until I finish. I will probably be sad because of my friends, because the most part of my class goes to different universities and we won't see each other so often, but I think that I will continue to hang out with people who really means me a lot (true friends) although there's a fact that we are probably going to the different university.

Oh, yeah, the university. I should write about that more. But as I'm keeping my name and my residence as secret you will probably wait until I figure out what I can say and what I cannot to you and other readers. Why? Because I don't want to risk anything to be revealed to the persons who might know me in person. I am a bit paranoid, but you can never know who is reading.

I don't really know why I am so secret and mysterious, but one of the reasons is fear of revealing. I really don't want that for now. I hope that you understand...

Thanks for reading :)

Read More

I'm back

Hello, everybody!

I'm back to blogging at this blog and I hope that you'll enjoy my new stories. I was going to stop blogging cause I felt confused about my bisexuality and about my 'different' side, but now I think that this is the best time for me to have blog and through it I hope I'll break down this confusing.

Am I gay or bisexual or straight - we'll see. For now, I'll hold to this blog and to your comments and to your support. Thanks to everybody who is writing to me and trying to help me understand what means 'to be different'...

That is all for now.

See you soon with some new fresh stories. :D

Read More

Music: Ronan Keating - Iris

As you may notice music is my life, I love to find songs that describe my situation and I love to listen to music (every single genre of music). I've found one more song which describes my situation (and just for the record situation is changing in past two-three weeks, you'll see in one of the next posts). Song is named "Iris" and I really can't see why. If anybody knows please explain me.

And Ronan Keating is one of my favourite singers, I first heard him on Eurovision Song Contest with the song "The Way You Make Me Feel". And he's cute guy, and he's also born near my birthday, so I like him even more :-)



Here are lyrics:

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven
That I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breath is your life
Cuz sooner or later its over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Video:

Read More

Online dating

I really don't know is this good or bad, but in my country it is really hard to find people who are gay or bisexual. Well, they really exist, but they are pretending to be straight cause it's really hard to live your life like outed gay.

So, because I never was in gay relationship or even be with a gay, I decide to join some local gay community website. You can put your profile and people can send you a message. And I can say that I'm surprised.

I got a lot of disgusting messages just asking for sex in some really disgusting way... I just ignored messages like that. But I got three really nice messages, now even more with really nice people. Some guy who is only one year older than me and some other guy who is 5 years older and the third one is guy who is 8 years old. Well, I'm just discussing with them through email so nothing happened and no one knows who I am in real life. Second guy became disgusting when I told him that I'm not for a meeting right now, so he's not in my list anymore.

Who knows, maybe I'm going to see one of them soon. The first (one year older) guy seems nice, but only seems. I don't really know is he real and does he have really 19 years. And I don't even know how he looks like, but from the emails, I think that he's not so hot.

Thanks for reading.

Read More

Music: 3 Doors Down - Here Without You

The new song I like so much. It left big impression on me. Reminds me on D. (again, well I think that every song reminds me on him, even some house songs cause I was on a lot of parties with him)... I'm losing my mind, but nevertheless I think that I'm slowly forgetting him, which is amazing...

Here are the words of the song:

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face

A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same

But all the miles had separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rollin
as the people either way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
but I hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know,
and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

And here's a video, I especially love the first part (first 15 seconds) the music is great and the words are amazing. Enjoy:




Hope you'll like it.

Read More

10 days with D.

OK, we were at trip for 10 days and I can tell you that it was amazing, but I'm not so satisfied about my hanging out with D. I spent more time with his best friend and other people, because he was in other room (something complicated about keys and other stuffs) because we were going on group trip. So I was in room with his best friend and some other guy. D. was in totally different area of hotel :(

But we became closer than we were before this trip and I'm glad because of that. He told me a lot of things that I didn't knew before and I was disappointed with him in past two-three days. He came out to be just like I always knew, but I didn't want to accept that (love is blind believe me). He's total jerk. He's so cute, adorable, but in his head he totally egocentric (even more I ever imagine) and so selfish and so want-to-use-people. He thinks that with his cuteness and girls liking him, he can have everything.


I was used by him, two times. I recently find that out. First time it happened on that party (read post Night with D.) where I brought Simone and all other girls with me. I thought that Simone started to kiss with him first, but later I discovered that D. started first even I already told him to stay away from her (I told him that I will try to hook up with her). Just for the record, both were drunk that night. Then second time was three days ago when I also brought Simone to some party at some house. D. asked me to bring her. And D. slept with her just for his selfish desire to have sex. His plan was to bring some girls and hook up with them. This was like some test for Simone, because I like her a lot and I noticed that he likes me too. I was trying to see will she go all the way with D. and she did. And just for the record, she's almost 3 years older than him and always tells me that "he's little jerk, kid, but he's so cute and good kisser, but still a kid". From that words and the tone she speaks about him I thought that she hate him. But after 4 glass of vodka she was in bed with him. That night was so depressing for me because her words and everything fall into water and my heart was broken again.

Tomorrow I talked with Simone and I told her everything, about my feelings and such. We talked also about the previous night.

And what about she-likes-me part? Well, that was true, she liked or likes me, and she admitted that to me when I told her everything, but the main problem is two things. First one, she has a boyfriend (she had it even when she was with D, she cheated her boyfriend with D.), and second problem is me, because I can't look at her the same way. She's so... I don't have or I don't know word, but so disappointing for me :( I feel so used and betrayed. D. is jerk, idiot. He didn't even send me txt or anything, and he's on another holiday right now. I'll see him in about a week, and I must see what he thinks about everything. Just for the record, he maybe doesn't know what Simone is for me, but never mind that, he's still jerk.

Comments are welcome; I need them to feel better :)
P.S. Dunno why, maybe because of jealousy or fact that I'm virgin with 18, I have enormous desire to have sex with a guy or girl, whatever comes first.

Read More

Shelter movie review

Sometimes the life you have isn't the one you want.

I just watched movie "Shelter" online and I can tell you that it's quite good. This is my second gay movie that I watched. I watched only "Broakback Mountain" before this and I like "Shelter" cause it's more modern and closer to me.

I like a story between Zech and Shaun. It is so romantic, so dramatic and so amazing. I like it as happy end, but just for the record to all gays, not every story ends like that one or starts like that one :( It will be nice, but still it isn't like that.

I won't spoil anything to you; just watch the movie that's my recommendation.

I'd like to find something like this (I mean on their relationship), looks kinda normal now.

P.S. Recommend me some other movies like this one and "Brokeback Mountain".

Read More

I'm back...

I didn't write for a while.

A lot of happened in this past month. I was on holiday with D. We were together for about 10 days. After these 10 days, a lot of bad thing happened about me and him.



As I said a while ago, I didn't write because my blog wasn't so popular and now nothing changed about that. I told you that I will write because it makes me feel better and I don't care how many people read my blog. Well, I'd like to tell you everything, but I already write everything down in my own private diary so I don't have to feel any better. But as I said my diary is private and no one knows what is written in it so I think that I'll write here everything and MAYBE I'll got some comments cause I want some opinions about situation.

Hope you understand...

I don't know why, but I feel that my blog sounds boring. Maybe it's because English isn't my mother tongue and it is really hard for me to write in it. Please understand!

Read More