Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYBODY. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST

Enjoy your holidays and your life... :)

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Reunion with Mike

This one will be quick post to get you guys updated and also not to make myself explain all this later when I decide to write again.

After almost 21 days without contact, and every day seemed like whole month to me, me and Mike started to hear from each other again. He is still with Chris. We hanged out a few days, I gave him the book (Higher & Higher), which was a huge relief to me cause I know that it will help him a lot, and we talked a lot. I felt kinda different, cause my aching heart was still very hurt, I couldn't look at him, I couldn't talk to him normally, cause I was hurt and I still am, kinda... We even talked about whole situation, but you need to be careful with him cause he's very unstable person, very bitter and very depressed because of everything that happened to him (parents, drugs, ex boyfriends, friends, his dreams...)

And than 4 days ago I called him and we had a regular talk over the phone and in the same time Chris called him, we needed to hang up, cause Chris will noticed the second call and make a scene and make a problem. Than Mike told me to call him when they finished and then he said that we need to break contact again, cause he doesn't want to lie Chris, and Chris's not stupid, he'll figure things out, and Mike also said that he doesn't want to lie to me either and stuff like that... And then we said "goodbye" once more, I wrote him again some pathetic message and that was it. He got the point that AGAIN after all I withdraw myself from them all because of Mike, cause I know that he's unstable and that he doesn't need any stress in his life, even though HE and only HE is to blame for all this problem. He hooked up with Chris, he cheated me, he made the problem, and I simply know that he will run away someday to his mother in foreign country, cause he's like that. When the stuff gets to much stressful, he'll disappear. Which is kinda normal for all human beings, but still I don't get why is he still with Chris, he says that he cares for him and stuff like that, and I understand that, but still why he doesn't want me there and why he doesn't want the relationship with me and three days before whole chaos everything was like in paradise.... He wanted a friendship with me (which is kinda impossible for me with all this feelings) and Chris made him break contact with me and he let him to stop our friendship and before that our relationship. Mike is to blame and both of them destroyed me, but I'm holding on okay. So, because I don't want to make him any more stressful and to save my mental health, I stepped away and I let them go for the second time. What a fool I am... But never mind...

Now I feel like I finally let it go, and this 6 days without meeting and 4 days without phone contact are kinda easier than the first 21 days from the last break. And while we got together again, I felt like I don't care that much, and he stabbed my heart for the third time (when he choose Chris for the third time over me) and I decided that I won't care anymore. He wants to be with Chris, so there you go, you are free now and go fuck yourself. Sorry for swearing, but I'm kinda pissed and I need to say that.

I don't want to be loser, poor and desperate person and to send you some pathetic messages which you won't even understand nor you will pay attention to them, cause you became a cold, bitter, self-destructing person. I wanted to help you and I still want to, but you choose Chris over me and I don't want to exist in your life anymore. You want to help him (to get him better and to feel accepted cause he's mentally insane and has difficult family life, but you will kill yourself mentally slowly like that and you will make even bigger problem for Chris later, if he gets too attached). There is always a way to go away from relationship like that, but instead of that you chose to be with him. So there you go, be with him, make yourself insane. This maybe sounds harsh, but I don't want to torture my heart anymore, I'll get over you. I also noticed that I feel better than I felt before and it's easier for me and I feel happy. I just don't want to see you for a very long time.

I returned to my hobbies and to my dreams, and I feel fur-fulled. I'm making some website and I'm all into design now, webhostings, digital art, photography, writing, reading and internet marketing. These are my goals for now, I enjoyed my time with Mike and I will never forget it, but now I need time for myself to recover from this mess. Also I would like to make some profit online and simply I want to live MY life without Mike. I don't need him anymore and that's the most amazing revelation I got in past 6 months...

I'm also planning to start blog in my own mother tongue to see reactions of people in my own country, right now I'm thinking about the domain name and soon, maybe even this "secret" blog will get .com domain ;). I would really like that... The blog will be probably about gay life in my country and all the subjects I think that is worth writing. Like that I will give my contribution to gay society and to gay people in my country and in the world.

I'm also saving money for a professional digital camera :) and I can't wait to start with photography...

Thank you all for your support and for reading...
P.S. Also, to wayner and all of you who are wondering about my education. My education is doing great, I'm almost at the end of third semester and I'm student with "okayish" grades. Of course, I was distracted by whole situation, but my final exams (for this semester) are going to begin in January so I have time to study and to replenish my knowledge... And almost two months I didn't study at all, but I woke up from a dream and I'm back to reality... See ya in the next post :)

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Class with S.

LOL, today I had an English class, and like I said last year, I so badly wanted to be same group with S. and I wasn't, he was group A, and I was group C... That was last year, but this year, as a second year of learning English, we are in the same group and in recent days we have a lot of contacts, we even walked together home few times and talked.... He is really good guy and kinda interesting, but I don't know him that much.

So today, well, this evening, it was amazing and funny cause he sat next to me cause his usual seat was taken, it was so random and unexpected. We were joking, writing together, making jokes on professor's British accent and so on, it was nice and I was so fucking deconcentrated and I was trying not to look at him that much and he was so fucking close. And yeah, he really has a bit cross-eyes... which is kinda strange, but I wouldn't make big deal out of it cause he's soooooooo fucking hot and stunning....

Okay that was a small update... Enjoy your day and thanks for reading, more bigger and better posts coming soon.

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